Sunday, January 29, 2012

Feelings vs Thoughts

I have pulled out my handy dandy book "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention".  I've had this book for 5-6 years.  I've read it front to cover a few times. 

Occasionally, I pull it out and open it to any page.  Believing that whatever page I open up will be what is needed for me at that time. At times I find myself getting upset with whatever it is that I might be reading. 

It is my plan right now to re-read the entire book. 

Here are a few thoughts that have stuck out to me so far.  I've only read a few 'pages'.  The following really seemed to sink in. More than ever before.

Suicide begins as a thought.  That thought is then driven by negative FEELINGS.  Such feelings are temporary (even though it doesn't ever feel like that in the moment) and are definitely changeable.  The Author states "Suicidal is not a feeling".  These thoughts are paired with feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, and desperation.  It is crucial to separate these feelings from the thoughts of suicide.  Personally....this is a really hard concept for me.  As I try hard to notice the thoughts and feelings associated with the physical and emotional pain that I am experiencing...(specifically physical since that seems to be brought on by emotional pain), I find it extremely hard to differentiate between the thoughts vs feelings. These things didn't develop overnight and they will for sure not go away over night.

The day has been long.  Filled with lots of commotion.  I'm ready for some downtime. And the next step is in the "Tricks of Trade" portion of the book.  I am going to spend sometime reading the tricks of the trade portion of this book - creating a crisis plan.  One that I can keep on an index card w/me at all times.  It has been a long time since I've had one that I've kept in my datebook.  Several years to be honest.  The last week...I've needed something quick and easy on more than one occasion.  Something that I can pull out.  Glimpse over and attempt to find some sort of relief in remembering that these THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. 

I want to add a few other thoughts.....I have a ton of different tools.  I've spent enough years in therapy that I've got the tools to use.  I know them. I often use them (even though it doesn't seem like it.)  At the end of the day....Depression is a lying bastard! Plain, cut, simple, and dry.  It is this saying that I read on another blog readers blog a few months back so incredible difficult to remember in those dark moments.  During my last appt w/J* she basically said the same thing on more than one occasion.  "That is the depression is not true...blah blah blah.." and each time she would say this I would think (and tell her) "Eff..that!"  It is true. I know it is.  Today...I'm able to see and hear that.  There is no promise that tmw or the next day or next month I will be able to remember, see, hear....BELIEVE it. 

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