Excerpt

Most people don't have to think about how they deal with life.  Suicide thinkers do.  Other people know how it feels good to run a mile,  look at their stamp collection, meditate e build a bird house,  garden, do a crossword puzzle.  They do these things instinctively.  Their thought process is not : "I feel like shit.  I'd better find some way to divert my attention and improve my mood before I fall deeper into despair. "  Their brain style allows them to cope with stress and pain,  like a car engine having enough gas and oil to keep it running smoothly.  My brain was (is) short on gas and oil.

Exerpt from "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain was Trying to Kill Me " by : Susan Rose Blauner

~~~~

Holy shit does that paragraph resonate DEEPLY with me today.  As in deep.  Depression and the bs surrounding it has taken up residence in my brain today.  And when I say deep I mean.....deep!  I'm out of gas.  Running on empty far to long.

Overwhelmed and Tiresome

At this very moment I am ready to give up. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry!

This fight to getting help, finding a better place, balance and whtvr else you call it is incredibly tiresome and overwhelming.

I can't do it anymore.
I don't want to do it anymore.

Ouch

I woke up this morning in incredible amount of pain.  I can't say it is any one area.  I slept horrible, which is really not anything new.  But worse than usual.

Days like today that not being able to take pain medication, specifically anti inflammatory ones, bites! !

Feelings vs Thoughts

I have pulled out my handy dandy book "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention".  I've had this book for 5-6 years.  I've read it front to cover a few times. 

Occasionally, I pull it out and open it to any page.  Believing that whatever page I open up will be what is needed for me at that time. At times I find myself getting upset with whatever it is that I might be reading. 

It is my plan right now to re-read the entire book. 

Here are a few thoughts that have stuck out to me so far.  I've only read a few 'pages'.  The following really seemed to sink in. More than ever before.

Suicide begins as a thought.  That thought is then driven by negative FEELINGS.  Such feelings are temporary (even though it doesn't ever feel like that in the moment) and are definitely changeable.  The Author states "Suicidal is not a feeling".  These thoughts are paired with feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, and desperation.  It is crucial to separate these feelings from the thoughts of suicide.  Personally....this is a really hard concept for me.  As I try hard to notice the thoughts and feelings associated with the physical and emotional pain that I am experiencing...(specifically physical since that seems to be brought on by emotional pain), I find it extremely hard to differentiate between the thoughts vs feelings. These things didn't develop overnight and they will for sure not go away over night.

The day has been long.  Filled with lots of commotion.  I'm ready for some downtime. And the next step is in the "Tricks of Trade" portion of the book.  I am going to spend sometime reading the tricks of the trade portion of this book - creating a crisis plan.  One that I can keep on an index card w/me at all times.  It has been a long time since I've had one that I've kept in my datebook.  Several years to be honest.  The last week...I've needed something quick and easy on more than one occasion.  Something that I can pull out.  Glimpse over and attempt to find some sort of relief in remembering that these THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. 

I want to add a few other thoughts.....I have a ton of different tools.  I've spent enough years in therapy that I've got the tools to use.  I know them. I often use them (even though it doesn't seem like it.)  At the end of the day....Depression is a lying bastard! Plain, cut, simple, and dry.  It is this saying that I read on another blog readers blog a few months back that....is so incredible difficult to remember in those dark moments.  During my last appt w/J* she basically said the same thing on more than one occasion.  "That is the depression speaking.....it is not true...blah blah blah.." and each time she would say this I would think (and tell her) "Eff..that!"  It is true. I know it is.  Today...I'm able to see and hear that.  There is no promise that tmw or the next day or next month I will be able to remember, see, hear....BELIEVE it. 

Taking my Own Advice

Today is my Friday.
Work was more than stressful.
Saturdays for me at this time are usually very uneventful.

Reality is:  it is winter, cold, dreary, and most of the drunks and riff-raff middle and high school kids are not up until about the time I get off work.

By 9:25am...my morning was eventful.  It started at one side of town.  It continued for nearly 2 hours.  And hot damn was it a long 2 hours.

During that time, I continued to remind myself that I needed to "just breathe".  Something that has been very hard for me in recent days/weeks/months. 

This afternoon as I was writing an incident report about what happened I had the opportunity to think about the things that I said to one of my passengers.  The advice that I gave him to diffuse the situation, bring himself down off the ledge of freak-the-hell out mode...and how it really did pertain to myself. 

I am reminded that it is much easier to give advice, talk others off the ledge (and trust me the situation at hand was one of incredible intensity) and help them stay present...than it is for yourself.  I seen this particular person 2 more times during the course of my work shift.  And as he began screaming at some up-to-no-good teens...I walked up to him, calling him by name and reminded him what he needed to do.

I need a me in my everyday-to-day life.  Someone to remind me...to stop internalizing (in his case  flipping out on others) and to just take a deep breathe.

Things I'm Sick Of....

How fitting is it that I read this post titled "Things I'm Sick Of" by Depressed Mormon Mommy and then read a post of a dear friend who is hurting beyond words.  And one of the comments (actually there were 3 who were from the same person I'm 99% sure of) fits and was going to be part of this post that I'm writing. 

Depressed MoMo wrote out her lil diddy.  I will add my .02 cents.

*Top of the list and it was on hers...is well meaning (or not in my not so humble opinion) people, specially other mothers/women, telling me that if I was just happier, tried harder, was more positive, excersised more, drankk more water....blah blah blah....I would not be in the place that I am.

*Top of the list after the one above...and this just gets my blood pressure going.....people who tell others they should not have had children bc they suffer/struggle with mental illness.  Shut the fuck up.  Serious!  In my case, which I've not blogged a great deal about and in MANY cases.....there were issues.  But they were nothing signficant.  I never saw a therapist. I never even considered medication.  I never needed medication.  And I sure as hell was never suicidal.  The issues that I have were suppressed so incredible deep that it wasn't till after the birth of my son and a few other traumatic things that happened in my life....did the abuse and trauma come to the surface. 

and the list goes on.  However, right now...I'm not in any space to keep going w/it.  But these are just a few of the things that I'm more than sick of...that truly piss me off!!

Taking My Life Back...

...one step at a time.

Contrary to what my husband, therapist, close friend(s),psychiatrist and family, -- those who know me believe.  I do listen to them when given advice.  I don't always believe or agree.  However, it does go in and often will lay dormant for whatever time period it needs to.

Yesteday, I had an appt w/J.  Not much really to 'work on'.  More of a 'how do you get to the end of each day" type of montra.  What are some simple and easy things that you can do.

I have picked up the phone and called my PCP's office several times this week.  I need to see her, get her on the same page (up-to-date) and see if she has any way of getting me in sooner to the new psychiatrist in her clinic sooner.  Regardless, there are several different things I need to discuss w/her.  My husband gave me the ultimatum....make the appt or I will.  Few deep breathes later, I was speaking with one of her nurses and made an appt for Monday. 

Going back on lamictal, contrary to my own thoughts and beliefs....needs to happen.  Something even if it is minor needs to hold me over till April when I can get in for another opinion with Dr. S.  The thought of making an appt with my current psychiatrist, Dr. SB was to overwhelming.  I'm not very happy with her.  I want to be clear, not just bc I know J* occasionally reads my blog but bc I deep down have a love for Dr. SB, that even though I'm not to happy w/her...I understand where she is coming from and I can appreciate her stance on the entire med issue.  That being said, I also realize that going off the lamictal wasn't the best thing to do. In my head, all I could think about (and still do) is that "I was taking it as I was RX'd and still having really bad depressed days.  Still having suicidal ideation."  Here is the kicker...Off the med that is still happening.  As much as I hate to admit it, found myself verbalizing it even though I really didn't realize it till it came out of my mouth.....it is still happening....but it is different.  Much different.  There has been a shift from ideation to thoughts of actually doing self harm. 

This morning I called Dr. SB's office.  I made an appt for the soonest I can get in, which isn't for a month and I left a message in hopes we can do this via my therapist and phone consult.  I'm hesitant and don't believe that she will be willing to do this. I tried.  That is all I can do for today.

And the last thing I did...for me....was something that I've been contemplating and planning on for several months.  In the end, I was struggling with spending the $$ when things are tight for us to begin with.

After seeing J* yesterday, I left with a renewed commitment (okay not when I left but over the next several hours) to FIND airline tickets that were w/in my price range.  I went over my original budget of $200 but with in my 'latest budget of under $250'.  And I can't be more excited today to spend some awesome, very much needed, MOMMY only time...w/a group of wonderful women!! 

March 1st...can't come soon enough!

For today, things are a little bit lighter.  I am still struggling.  My fingers are extremely raw from picking my nails to the beds, clipping them till they can't be clipped anymore.  I've ate breakfast AND lunch.  And both were healthy.  Eating both of those 2 meals is more than I did all week.  Protien bar and dinner w/my family was all that I have been able to muster up this week.

And now...I'm off to work. Praying for a smooth afternoon.

Breathing

Do As One FB Status Reads:    Notice the space between your breaths. Hang out there for a moment or two.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very powerful for me today.  One of the things that I notice myself doing  when I'm down and out, being triggered, PTSD crap kicking in, or just in complete freak the heck out mode is....hold my breathe. 

The last massage I had didn't go so well.  In a world of fight or flight and trying hard to stay present, I found myself holding my breathe more than a few times.  As I've mentioned before that gal I see is great.  She always says something to me about it, bringing my thoughts (and breathe) back to the table.  And on this particular day....I did exactly what the above FB status reads..."notice the space between each breathe...was it short, long, weak, strong, labored, smooth". 
~~~~~

This evening, again in a fit of furry.  PTSD raring its ugly head.  My son, crying bc of an ongoing freaking rash/open sores, my daughter wanting to go to the cell phone store and get a new phone (my sons phone took a bath in the washer....he was due for a new phone anyway.  So he will get my daughters and she will get a new one.  Thankfully, the cell company we use has some great deals on $1 phones. She is planning on using some of her babysitting money and purchasing one that is a bit nicer.)  Anyway, I was struggling.  Struggling w/my childrens needs, wants, and desires.  I WANTED to take my dd to the cell phone store but I could not bare the thought of leaving my house.  I wanted my dh to take her.  He can't.  It is in my name and to do things like get new contract/phones updated I have to go with them.  UGH UGH UGH.

I gave myself permission to come home and go to bed after my therapy appt.  Work was horrid. Chiro appt was horrid.  And therapy is just that..therapy.  It went okay but was just enough to make me want to come home and go to bed an dnot get up...ever.  I resisted that urge and other than a 20 minute hot shower...I stayed present w/what was going on.  Breathing wasn't something I was doing very well.  My dh noticed on several occasions and said "Do you always hold your breathe like that?"  That is all it takes for me to snap out of it.  For a few moments. 

~~~

I finally broke down and called my PCP's office and made an appt.  It took everything I had in me to do it.  As I stood in my kitchen in tears talking to my dh about making this appt he said "You need to do this."  And...I did.  I asked to speak to my PCP's nurse.  I got someone different.  However, she  was who I need to speak with this afternoon.  I have an appt. on Monday.  I have no expectations going in.  My dh was going to go with me. However, he has an appt at the same time that he has had to reschedule 2 different times bc of sick kids.  And he is not willing to change it.  I'm praying for the strength to lay it all out there.  I can only hope and pray that I'm in a space that I can do that.  Today or tmw...that would SOOOO not happen.  We shall see.  And....I will remember to breathe!!

~~~~~~~~~

Looking to You

My strength is gone. 
I'm weary and weak.
And I'm laying it right down at your feet, Lord. 
I can't keep this fight up.

Plentiful

Tears have been plentiful today.
It is 2pm; And I still have nearly 4 hours left of work.
I have sat in my car for all of 30 minutes since I got off work at 930am.
I had an appt with surgeon after I got off work for 3 mon follow up.  It went as I expected. I will return in 3 mo
The stress of being the primary income/health insurance carrier is killing me.  Nearly freeking killing me!!
Contrary to what anyone else believes....I know that the balance that I'm currently balancing isn't working. 
And today...its nearly killing me.

This Boy

His energy is insane most days.  And yet on other days he is loving companion and does not leave must side.  He knows and senses the dark days/moments.

I want nothing more than to just lay next to him and not get back up!  At 4:25am...the day is already long. 

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above portrait gives hope.
Hope of brighter days even when it is cold and windy.

It was taken a year or so ago while we were in Las Vegas visiting a dear friend of mine.

 How I wish and pray she was near.

I could hear her sweet voice.

  I could soak in her special spirit. 

I could have the warmth of her her home and spirit wrapped around me...giving me hope of brighter days. 

Even when they are cold and dreary.  

For today all I have are the portraits and memories of a few days in our life where things were normal.  Where getting to the end of the day didn't take so much energy.

Therapy, Psychiatrist, Medication Management ..

After a great deal of thought I have decided to make an appt with a different psychiatrist. Specifically one that is experienced with gastric bypass patients.

At my last appt the beginning of December my pdoc made it clear she had no other options for medication nor was she willing to try anything.  I understand where she is coming from. However, I do not agree.  I respect Dr. SB and have for the entire 12 yrs that she has been my psychiatrist. I do not foresee switching 100%.  My hopes are that Dr S will correlate care w/Dr. SB.   It would be awesome if my current pdoc could do this without me having to wait 3+ months for an appt.  I attempted to discuss this with her in December when I last saw her.  She wasnt hearing me and therefore it wasnt an option.  And I'm certain that my current emotional stability st that time wasnt the best either and so getting my thoughts across didn't work to my benefit.
I'm my opinion she believes that seeing my current therapist J* and continuation of DBT is what will be helpful.  I hv no doubts she is correct.

The deal is this....I am at the end of the 6 month course for DBT....the last module to be exact.   I have no plans on continuous group therapy.   It's just not happening! !

I generally see my therapist biweekly.   Sometimes more or less. Which depending upon where I am at ...depends on how much I gain or don't.  I have been in therapy for a hell of a long time.  And more recently just touched upon the tip of the iceberg.  With appts being biweekly I often feel as though it is just what I mentioned...touching upon the tip of the iceberg.  And then another 2 weeks pass and we are back at the rinse and repeat montra. We discuss from time to time what I do/don't need.  And the wall is up.....I don't know what I need.  If I don't know than how the hell am I to expect her to know?  Part of the not knowing comes from past negative therapy experiences.  And even though deep inside me I trust and respect J*....the wall is there.  As we have touched very lightly on the tip of this iceberg......another wall goes up.  The negative experiences come flooding back.  I loose insight on the trust that had been built over the last 3-4 years.  And we rinse and repeat again and again.

I know what I NEED...I just don't trust myself.  And certainly don't trust anyone else. 
There has been a shift in noticing different thoughts, feelings, physical pain, and so forth over the last 2 weeks.  I'm not ready to share them here at this point.

Severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts have ran rampant over the last several days and continue to do so.  How I will ever wait till April is beyond me.  And that isn't even saying this new Dr will treat me w/o coordination of care with my current pdoc.  Which just leads to more time.  I failed to mention that I have had a rather not-so-good experience with this Dr before my WLS.  And he is a man.  I need someone to go with me....just not my husband! !  Unfortunately, having somone go isn't an option and I can only pray that I'm in somewhat of a good space before and do not end up on the end canceling my appt.  I have a history of freaking out and canceling appts.

Ugliest of Days

There have been many ugly days in recent months/weeks/days.  There have been many not so ugly days where life moves foward.  Not wonderful. Not horrible.  It moves and I carry along with it.  Hoping and praying that slowly there will be a shift.

I don't want to go in to details at this point.  I know I have laid almost everything out there in past posts.  Suffice to say that today was a very ugly day.  As in very ugly.  I wanted an out.  I looked for an out at every corner, thought, feeling, ect., ect..

I got in my car to come home from work.  Weather was not good. I pulled out of the parking lot from work and into main road to go home and there was a flood of emergency vehicles.  I was not prepared for what I saw.  It has left me physcially and emotionally ill for the remainder of the evening.  I need to go to sleep and it just isn't happening.  As I close my eyes, I hear the police officers talking.  I hear the man scream at the officers to not come any closer.  I see the flashing lights all over again coming at me from all angles.  Telling the police officer that "I need to be able to move my car and get out of the middle of the chaos...NOW."  And him telling me 'no m'am we need you to stay right here. We can't have anyone move their vehicles.  And me expressing to him in a rather blunt way that I HAD TO MOVE or they would need to have more emergency personal come my way.  I truly...was in a panic.  The officer realized the urgency and made sure I got out of the area. I called my dh. He blew me off. I called my friend L* she was shoveling and turned on the scanner and said just as flurry of activity took place even more...I will call you when you get home...just lookk forward.  I spoke to my dear friend S*.......  I was not prepared to see, hear, be witness to something that I personally think about on a regular basis.

 Someone lost their son, their father, their brother, their husband.....somoene potentially lost a beloved person in their lives tonight.  (I should say that I don't know the ultimate fate of this persons actions.  However, I know that it will be life changing/altering/ending!)

My 9 year old came into my room to put something away.  He saw that I was laying awake in bed and came over and said "Mommy, can I talk to you?"  And we laid in bed and had a great conversation about his week at school.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the awesome.

It is moments like this....laying in bed next to my son that remind me....why I was not the person on that bridge this evening.  Struggle as I might on a day-in-day-out basis with suicidal ideations....I will be damned if I will let this illness take from my children the very thing that they deserve. 

And so.....I continue to fight.  Fight hard.  It is ugly most days.  And not so much many others.  I may drive my husband, best friend, and therapist out of their minds...but damn it all...I will continue to fight and get up each and every damn day. 

For my children.
For me.

*updated to add:  This person involved was drunk.  Involved in a mult-car accident a few blocks away from this bridge.  Fled the scene and decided that jumping off the bridge was the lessor of two evils.  I don't drink and therefore, it is easy for me to call people who do and do stupid shit like this fucking idiots.  It is what it is...and he could probably thanks himself for being to drunk...that is probably what saved his life.  Just like the dumbass who drove their bike into a bus a few months ago....being so drunk saved his life.

DBT

I'm done with it.
Not technically.  But in my heart and desires to keep going ...keep trying to gather something that will he helpful.
I can not nor will I commit to keep it up.  Initially, it was 6 months long.  It has been more than 6 months.  And I'm burnt out.  I starter the beginning of June.  It is middle of January.   More than 6 months.  And....I'm done.  In my heart and desires to keep going.
The last module we just did I could use repeating.  And maybe that is something J* and I need to work on.

There's really no words to describe the place that I'm in right now.  I've been here before.  It isn't anything new.

Don't ask me what I need....I don't know what I need. Well, I know....but it isn't anything anyone can say or do.  Right now - sleep would be nice.

Thursday and Fridays generally are very hard days for me.  If the last 2 days are any indication how the next few days are going to go - I will be in a one hell of a place by "my weekend".    I can't miss work any more than I already have. I can't.  The stress of knowing that....just adds to the downward spiral that I've been in.

It is A Rocky Road!

That is all. Just need to put that out there.  I posted via my phone last night. It didn't work.  The road is rough and rocky right now.  Leaving my house for work this morning was tough.  Very tough.  There is no noticing w/o judgement.  And it is a matter of time before I crash.  This morning it doesn't seem like there is any good reason to fight it.  Yet, acceptng the inevitable almost seems as though I am giving up.

Strikes Again...

Continue to have spells that knock me down wishing that I could sleep the next year away.  Spells of pain...not depression.  Yet in those moments I certainly think it would be best for all aspects....of course that is the pain and irrational thinking.  I had two REALLY GOOD pain free days.  And the last 24 hours not so good.  Late last night I wondered if a trip to the ER was going to be in store.  I'm cheap and refuse to pay the ER copay.  So I weathered the pain.

By this morning it has lessened a tad.

This has truly knocked me on my ass.  By all accounts it appears this has been the same stuff I have been dealing with since December 13 or so.  It is getting really old..mreally fast.

Today my mood has taken a significant dip.  Trying to 'notice' without judgement ....it isn't going so well.  

Mystery Illness Solved

Ive posted on FB wht the verdict of my mystery illness was.

I got a call on Monday from my PCPs office.

Areomonas hydrophelia ( not 100% on spelling)

Google it.

Rare form of water borne bacteria commonly found in fresh water.  Attacks the fish and ultimately can end up as a rare case of food poisoning.  So rare that my PCP, PA AND several other drs w/in their clinic had NEVER treated anyone with it.

I don't eat fish!!  Ever!!  My PCP believes I have most likely had it since I got sick on December 13.  It laid somewhat dormamt causing problems off and on over the weeks following.  The biggest problem being pain.  It then seemed to attack my kidneys.   I received a 'check up call' from my both the PA and PCP Tuesday-Thursday.  Friday I got a call from one of the Nurses tellng me to stop taking tylonal for pain.

Which sucks!!  I no longer have diarrhea. The pain in my kidneys remains.  Not as often or severe.   Generally sporadic and brings me to my knees.

I was able to work all week w/o missing.  I have slept a ton!  I have had wonderful support from my husband and family.

It is early and I'm off to bed.  My pain level is up there tonight.  We discussed gong away over night with tie kids tmw night.  My wants to stay close to home.  Because, I am still not feeling the greatest.

Change = Part 2

After leaving my massage on Monday with the homework assignment and my head filled with my conversation w/H*....I thought a great deal about...Change.  How was I going to do what I committed to doing.  It seemed very overwhelming.  I stressed about it for most of the day and into the evening.  At the end of the day, albiet ill, I decided that there was only one thing I could do about this particular homework assignment.  Try.  That is all I can do.  At the end of the day, that is what counted.

A few hours after I wrote this post H* sent me the following quote in an email.  She mentioned it during my massage. She couldn't remember it word for word.  I heard something similiar before.  This wasn't the quote that I was thinking about.  It is much better!!

"...and the time came when the risk it took to remain in a tightly closed bud became infinitely more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

I know what I need to do in order to change. I know what things I need to work on in my personal life, in my marriage, in therapy, all around....in everything.  I know that the tough stuff that needs to be addressed and worked through in therapy needs to be done....and damn it all it is tough stuff.  And as I mentioned change is tough.....freeking tough.

"I know what needs to be done. I know that I deserve to live my best life.  To be happy.  To be healthy.  To be pain-free.  To just BE...... 

BUT (and here is the kicker...and what H* heard me say).....I don't believe I deserve it.  I know I can...because I have.  I don't believe that I deserve it.

Over the next few weeks......I'm going to notice...

Notice when the stiff neck, headache, and racing thoughts start popping up.

Notice when the need to eat an entire pack thing of mints pops up.

Notice when I am about to start going on a swearing tyraid.

Notice when the need to stay in bed and not leave my room arises.

That is it.

Just notice and put feelings.  No judgement. Just NOTICE.....

Fear.

Anger.

Excitement.

Pissed-Offness.

Content.

It isn't as easy as I would have thought.

More to come on....

Some of the things that I've noticed as I've been "Noticing"..



I "GET" it

Often one of the toughest things about struggling with depression and other mental health illness is the fact that others don't get it.

Often we go to the dr for one reaosn or another and are dismissed.  Sure, I've heard the reports that people who struggle with mental health related illnesses have a higher rate of being seen and mystery illness.

*My recent illness...that I should have been hospitalized for....was brushed off.  I have no doubt in my mind that bc of my journey with depression that I was dismissed. My phone call to the clinic on Fri, my ER visit, and the call on Saturday...ALL left me thinking that "I" was crazy.   I knew that I was violently ill last week. I knew that I needed to be hospitalized. I in NO way fought it.  My husband spoke to my PCP while I was in the the bathroom, asking her to admit me...only for her to somewhat dismiss him.  I love my PCP-PA.  I also know...she works w/in a system that has labeled myself and many others....with mental health problems. She is stuck performing....w/in that system.  I don't know the exact 'label'.  I do konw that on MANY incidences w/medical related stuff I've been dismissed and told to "see your therapist".  

This post by Etta over at Depression Marathon; she discusses why she does what she does.  And it made my heart sink.  Once again, I'm not alone.  I get it. I hear her. I get her. I get why.  I don't cut.  I've never cut.  However, I've struggled with other self harm issues.  For a nano-second and sometimes longer the physical pain over takes the internal pain and swirling that rages on.  I don't really care to go into what/why more indepth.  Only to say....I get where she is at in this post.

And then this evening after I read Etta's post I came across another blog post by someone else....Seeing Isn't Believing.   I love her picture she posted...for some reason I'm not able to upload it.  So you will have to click over and see it. I will attempt to add it later to another post.

Tired

This is a pity post.

Short and sweet.

I want to bang my head against the wall.
I'm tired of being sick.
I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired....of every effing thing you can imagine.

Makes me want to bang my head on the wall over and over!!

Change

It is not something that comes easily. 
For me.
For many people.

However, it is often needed.

I have blogged before here and on my other blog about my experience/relationship with massage and my current massage therapist.

This morning she focussed on something I said in our 'check in'. 
I will be attempting to blog on the homework assignment she gave me for the next 2 weeks.

Sounds simple.

It isn't.  I left her home 2.5 hrs ago and finding it isn't 'so' easy!

More to come...

Little Moments

Sometimes all it takes to cheer my heart up is to hear my son in the back seat singing along with Adele..word for word.  Missing not a beat.  Every ooohhh and ahhhh right along with her.  Then he says.....I will be sure that every woman in my life knows I care deeply about them.  I will not hurt them.  Atleast not pm purpose! 

Bawawaaaaa. I LOVE HIM!!

A bit lighter

I'm still relatively sick.  Woke up with a bit of a fever this morning and new 'sypmtoms' that will most likely have me back in the urgent care. I'm trying very hard not to get depressed and worry about the financial aspect of me being off work for 4 days.  Three of the four days will be unpaid.  We were planning a few different little get aways over the next several months and I'm pretty sure that they are out of the question completely.  Right now I can't even go there or think about it bc it will just make me upset.

I woke up about 5am this morning and attempted to get ready for work.  It wasn't happening.  So I turned on my computer and decided to spend some time on pinterest.  Oh' dear do I love that place. 

And this was the little reminder that I needed for today:

TMI Warning....

You have been forwarned...this is a shitty post.

I'm sick.
Very sick.
Not mentally....physically.
I was seen in my PCPs office and received one bag of fluid.  My IV died and they sent me to the ER.
Three or so bags of saline, millions of viles of blood and a CT scan, I was sent home.

I have a virus.

The kind that makes you shit every 10-30 minutes for hours on end.

The kind that makes you shit undigested toast 10 minutes after you eat it.

The kind that makes your entire house smell like shit...your hair, your breathe, your sweat ...

The kind that requires you to stop running to the bathroom while you are in the ER until 10 minutes AFTER your IV s removed.

At this very moment...6:00pm on Friday night I am not dehydrated yet.  It is a matter of time.  Maybe I'm finally turnings the corner.  Maybe not.

I'm weak.  I have not worked in 3 days.  I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. And then have the next 2 days off.  Idk how I'm going to be able to work.  Last week I slept every moment I was not working.  I can't help but think it was my body fighting off something.  Or do I have something else? 

Whatever it is....it needs to fucking leave my body and house!

Pain

I'm a wimp when it comes to pain.  So I think anyway.  Because of my WLS my options are VERY VERY limited.  Earlier in the week when I started having spasms in my hip/pelvis and  low back I started taking tylonal.  Very limited - since that is basically the only thing I can take for pain.

I knew yesterday I was headed in a downward spiral.  I was unable to stay on top of the pain by last night.  Pain = lack of sleep.  Pain and lack of sleep = increase depression and anxiety.  Pain, lack of sleep, increased depression/anxiety = recipe for potential disaster.

This morning I worked very hard to stay present.  Something I've been struggling  agreat deal with.  My chiro was out sick and unable to see me.  Turns out his kid was sick and he came in this afternoon for emergency patients only.

I saw H for a massage mid morning.  It was by far one of the most uncomfortable and painful massages I've ever had.  And I've had some doozy's.  My job and muscle issues tend to give me issues.  This was different.  Very different and I couldn't put words to it.  By the time I made it to Hy-Vee to meet my husband and a friend for lunch I was in tears...again.  Unable to eat my dh said "Call Dr._ and make an appt for tmw morning since he was gone today."  So I called.  His receptionist was able to hear in my voice that I wasn't doing well.  I asked for any appt tmw regardless of work schedule I would take whatever he had.  She said "do you need to be seen today? I can tell you are in a great deal of pain." I hung up the phone and made my way back to the other side of town (where I had just came from my massage appt) to see my chiro.  Bless his good-looking sweet self.  I love that man. Oh' do I ever.  By far, it was one of the most painful adjustments I've had.  He spent a great deal of time with me knowing that the pain level was high.  He told me he didn't want me working tmw but knew that I am in a tough spot financially and w/it being unpaid.  He discussed w/me his concerns and what he knows about me....that the more pain I'm in...the more depressed I become...and the equals a recipe for disaster.  He questioned the fact that I'm no longer on any type of mood stabalizer or AD and with this flare up he worries about how I will hold up.  (I'm telling you the man is a gem)

He was more than a chiropractor this afternoon and I appreciate it. He suggested I contact my therapist or psychiatrist and touch base w/them. (Which will be a waste of time since my Pdoc believes there is nothing more she can do...her words not mine.) I agreed to call in sick tmw since he was adament that I not work. And left a message at his suggestion for my therapist.  Which was counter productive bc I was in a freeking bad space, there were voicemail issues or I wasn't doing something right. I dont' really care right now.   Even though I wasn't really interested in talking to him more in depth about how I am doing...we both know that I knew he was catching on real fast.

I'm in for a very long night.  The pain I'm in right now on a scale of 1-10 would be 12+.  I can't get comfortable.  My husband gets pissy bc I have my computer in bed and "you don't look comfortable".  Well, WTH am I supposed to do?  Lay here and let my brain spin and make things worse and be bored and STILL hurt?  Or I can chat, play games on FB and do other odds and ends.  I need to do some senior pic re-edits for a family member. I've not touched them because the reality is....I am not really thinking all to clearly and want to make sure I do my best on them.  There are 'specific things' I need to do and concentrate on.

And reality is.....I want to bash my head into the wall over and over and over.  With the hope that maybe...just maybe it would hurt and take my mind of the pain in my low back and rest of my body.  That is the issue...it isn't just my back, hip, and pelivs.  It is my entire freeking body. My ENTIRE body hurts. I've started having the contraction-like pains in my right side again.  And taking tylonal is about as worthless as a crack addict sniffing candy.  I asked my husband what he had for muscle relaxers since he has chronic/severe back issues.  Of course the one medication he has is the one that I really can not be taking...ever!!!  I'm already depressed and in a hopeless downward swing where I could just drive my car right off the road...and I know from experience that taking that medication would only increase that spiral.  And having it actually help with the pain would be unlikely.

I've rambled on enough and will end.  I praying for some sort of relief.  Anything at this point.  I am not in a spot where I can afford to head back on a downward spiral to the extent that I've recently been at. Sure there are bad, pissy, all around hopeless days.  I can't go there again...and I fear that is right where I'm headed.

On Letting Go...

I don't read this blog very often.  Usually, only when someone links to it or personally sends me to it.  I've tried to limit my blog reading and specifically limit to blogs that have a tendancy to trigger my issues. However, sometimes you just need to read certain things.  Things that are simply very powerful.



This post titled "What Does 'Letting Go" Mean" is a must read for anyone who has suffered any type of trauma, abuse, and neglect.

It brought me to my knees this morning in a way that I was not prepared.  Reality is, letting go is so much more than "letting go".

The comment she quotes stating  “I’d love to let it go if it would only let go of me.”  Hits home in a way that I can't even begin to explain.

Still Missing

UPDATE : Alex will he with his dad by tmw.  He is flying to the town he is currently in.  Jaycee is with her brother.

My 16 yr old cousin, mentioned in yesterdays post, is still missing, along with her 17 year old boyfriend.

My heart aches on a way that I can not describe.   I can not even begin to imagine the pain my Aunt D is enduring.

It angers me.  That J is missing.  That her father committed suicide.  That she was in so much pain that she could not ask for help.  That her only answer was to runaway. 

This is an otherwise, happy..healthy..well rounded young lady.  Wth so much going for her.

The effects of suicide are devastating.

Please remind me....in my next downward spiral...why I GET UP...AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!

Connection

There has not been much talking in the last 24 hours. 
Just time spent together.
With no children.
With no demands.
Laying side by side watching reruns of Law and Order in a fancy hotel room.
No phone calls from baby-sitters or children.
No demands.
No hopeless thinking.
Wonders of how to keep the 'light hearted thinking to stick around'.
Grieving the loss of one child, yet hope of the future for our 2 children at home.
Just my husband and I connecting on a much different level than we have in many months...possible couple years!

~~~~~~

My heart is still heavy.  It has taken s great deal of energy to stay present.  To not stray.  I really need a break.  Praying for lighter days...and thinking/thoughts!

HEAVY

My heart is heavy today.
With joy and sadness all in one.

It is my 18th anniversary.
I might be one second away from stuffing my dh in the toilet half the time.  But...I love him fiercely!   And can not imagine life with out him. 

My happiness on this aspect.  We are doing something we never do.  EVER.  I tear up just thinking about it.  We are going to The Windy City to see Blue Man Group.  Staying in a 4 star hotel.  Just us!!

The sadness:  my uncle who committed suicide a few months ago...his family is enduring more pain.  One that has had me in tears all morning.  My 16 yr old cousin disappeared 2 days ago. No trace of her anywhere!  No signs.  Nothing.

Over lunch I told my kids:  there is nothing you can ever do that is so horrible you can't come talk go us.  Nothing so bad you need to run away.  My 12 yr old said " but what if she was hurt or kidnapped?"  And her innocent heart reminded me indeed....that could be the worst case scenario.

Keep them n your prayers.