Friday, September 16, 2011

Some Days.....

All you can really do is...
And for today...this is what I'm doing.  One breath at a time.  One step at a time.  The TV was not turned on until my son came home from school.  There was no radio.  There was very little sensory input into my brain.

I woke up in the wee hours of the night after having a rather disturbing nightmare.  One that often creeps its way into life and distrubs my sleep.  Last night was not such a good night for such thing to happen.  I woke up with a headache to go along with the panic that seemed to over-ride a good nights sleep.

My alarm was set for 4:10am.  My 2nd alarm was set for 4:15am.  Snooze was hit for both alarms.  I had fallen backk to sleep less than an hour prior.  It was do freeking early.  My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulders hurt. My face was on fire.  There was no way I could safely do my job today.  I fought the fight.  Fought the fact that I really can't be calling sick.  I fought w/my own thoughts and negative self talk as I laid in bed staring at the clock.  I've been rather proud of has been almost 2 full weeks and I've used no FMLA and not called in sick once.  Whoa...come Sunday morning I would have made had 8 full hours of sick time as the new pay period started.  This has not happened since the beginning of summer.  I fought that battle thinking I could just go in for my first part of my shift.  Then I sat up, still fighting the negative thoughts that I should stay home/should go to work.  Walked into the bathroom (which is 20 feet from my bed thankfully) and puked my guts out.  I sat on the bathroom floor puking, sobbing, mad at myself, mad at the world, cursing at everything and everyone.....and holding my head bc it hurt so damn much.  I managed to get back to my bed, speed dial #9 is dispatch....I need speed dial at 4am in the morning bc I could barely make out the 9.  "This is _ calling in for today. No I will not be back for my 2nd piece of work. Yes. Yes. Self. I will be back tmw." click.  I then closed my eyes and it was 7:45 am.  My dh hands on my face.  "You have a u want to pick up _ or pick up _ and take _ to the dentist and shopping for Sunday outfits".  No, I have a migraine...I need to call Dr. _ office and see about getting in. Maybe if he adjusts my neck I will be better.  Maybe if I just don't move or think or takl to anyone all effing day...I will feel better.  He left to take one of our kids to school. I laid still.  Texted a friend.  Send a FB chat to another friend.  And closed my eyes.  I was not moving.  Shortly after dh came home and brought me breakfast.  Seriously...I laid flat on my back and did not move and ate 2 sandwhiches.  Pig. I know. 

I got into see Dr. M for my neck.  I felt so much better immediately.  The release was amazing.  Another friend text me and told me she was 'late' for work (which she really wasnt but its a stupid system) and she was off for the day unexpected.  I was just leaving the vet w/our new puppy.  (Vet and my Dr. were 5 min. apart).  We were close to her house and so we met for lunch. 

I came home and again spent 2 hrs laying flat in my bed. Not moving. Wishing and praying and hoping that this massive headache of mine would LEAVE.  Be gone. 

I can't tell if it is stress, fear, anxiety, phsyical, or what induced. 

I'm laying on the couch w/my son.  He is watching old cartoons.  I need to lay on the couch. In my room I find myself swirling downward and the guilt, shame, grief, denial, the you're not good enough, you eff'd up...and all that negative crap that feeds into suicdal thinking gets fed into. 

So for now...I'm laying on the couch.  With my new quilt that was made by one of my Soul Sisters mother for a fundraising auction, puppy on one side of me and son on the other.

Saturday is a new day.
I'm hoping that Saturday will be the day I snap out of this current spiral.

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