It's Scary...It's Wrong...I'm so Freeking Not Alone

Speechless....I can't even begin to tell you where my day has been.  The whirlwind of emotions.
The nearly 90 minute massage where I laid there fighting back tears.
Holding ice in my hands (as discussed in this video) in an attempt to not harm myself...bc that is just where I was at...at that moment. 

And then listening to this video............and post "Depression Lies"  by The Bloggess



.................it is a reminder that I am not alone.  YOU are not ALONE damnit!

F*ck this shit is scary.  And it is wrong.  So f*cking wrong.  As I stood at the fridge today w/my head resting on the freezer door.  My children outside playing.  My husband off in his own world doing heaven only knows what.  I stood there...and I had enough.  FB message came thru on my phone from my BFF:  'Tell me you are okay.  I'm terribly worried'.  At that moment.  At that very moment I was not okay.  I was never so close to harming myself than I've been in a long time.  There was no rational thinking on my part.  Depression had taken over.  The events of marital stress has/had taken its toll. Returning to work in a different department and being "on" as someone described to me today - taking it's toll.  Effexior kicking my mother effing ass as it has every damn day for the last month plus that I've been on it....and I was done.  DONE.  And there was only one way out. 

One of my children walked in the door.  My reminder of why I GET UP every day was right there in front of me.  He took off back out the door after he got the No-Bake Coconut/PB cookie he wanted that we had made last night.

And once again I rest my head on the freezer door.  One million thoughts racing.  Back and forth.  "Use the tools...what tools do you have....fuck the tools....pick up that phone that you just turned off and turn it back on....fuck the phone I'm not calling anyone..." over and over this mantra played out.  I reached in the freezer to get some ice for the pitcher of ice tea I had made.  I dropped the ice bucket on the floor.  As I bent over to pick up the bucket of ice I recalled something that one of the psychologists in the dbt group I attended said.  "Hold onto ICE....in both fists....You will NOT be able to keep the very same concentration of harming yourself.  It will give you the same release that cutting, banging your head, or whatever self harm behaviors you do..."

And she was right.