It is no secret that when I get over tired...I also get over sensative and especially depressed. Given the current state health issues I'm dealing with it is no small wonder that I am able to get out of bed every day. Add in being depressed and such and well....it.is.really.hard. Then add in that most days my job requires that I report around 4:30-5:00 AM. Somedays I'm working right away. Sometimes I'm on call. (Given the nature that this blog is still rather private...I will attempt to keep my actual profession undisclosed). I'm guess that it won't be hard to figure out what I do for a living. However, I will not be outwardly announcing what I do.
Today, was a very long day. This week...ended up being rather long. Because of the holiday things were a bit different. However, my hours sucked giant donkey balls...3 VERY long days. Today my day started with my first report at 5:00am. No work came available w/in my first few hours and I was released to go for 90 min. and had to come back and sit on call. When work came to me (becuase it was 90 degrees on a pay day friday and many people called in sick) I was less than impressed. It was close to a time when I was going to be released to go home for the day/weekend.
I wasn't mentally prepared to go actually go out and work. Sitting on call was fine with me. The people I came into contact with were annoying as hell. I wanted to bash my head against the wall. On more than one occasion I had rather negative thoughts and let some of the things slip. oooppppsss!!!
And when I get really tired, as I did this afternoon, the random and impulsive thoughts of no longer wanting to fight this battle, no longer wanting to continue on w/the fight....and in cases like today it truly is a 'fight for my life..."
I called to be released from my work shift early. I was told that there was not another person immediately available would I be able to hold out for a little bit longer. Since, I wasn't sick so to say...to the geneeral population...I said sure. I said I would call them back in 30 min. if I for sure needed to be released. The more I thought about it I decided that I couldn't afford to take the time off.
And so began....
VERY deep breathing. Inhale in....exhale out. IN/OUT....over and over.
Telling myself..."you can do anything for 1 hour. In 1 hr you will be at this point in your schedule...." And then when that hour came/went....rinse and repeat. Over and Over....for 4 more hours. It was tough. Intense thoughts of being completely power-LESS to this bs that over takes my thinking and life at times.
I hope and pray the intensity and frequency of the suicidal ideation that overtook my thinking today were clearly a result of being over-tired. I hope and pray!! Because, I know my body can't keep up w/the pace that this was at today. One of the worst in a rather long time. Actually, maybe not.....maybe it was just because I was working and so there was much more thinking time than usually.
Tonight, I am safe. In a room all by myself. No husband. My daughter is outside my room w/few of hter friends being silly.