It is late on Sunday evening.
I don't feel like bothering anyone, my therapist office is closed (and quite honestly she/they are the very last people I want to speak to anyway), and so as one child is off in the family room watching heaven only knows what, my dh is reading 'back to school information for the new school our children will be attending' and another child sits next to me playing a hunting game on his hand held game....along with tv blaring some idiotic show.
I'm depressed. If you hadn't figured that out already by a few of the previous posts.
Sleep deprivation often leads anxiety and then leads to depression for me. This week sleep and I have not been very good friends. I've cursed more in the wee hours of the am than I have in a long time. I've shed more tears in the early morning hours than I have in a long time.
I'm tired. I want to take a week off work. I want to stay in bed the entire time. I want to take a very hot bubble bath and cry the entire time. I sit on my computer and do nothing productive as a way to zone out.
I need to eat healthier. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. I need to cut out sugars completely out of my life. I need to drink less diet soda. I need to drink more water. I need to take my vitamins. I need to give myself a B12 shot. I need to do so much more on the self care spectrum. I don't want to. I dont' want to do one damn thing of anything. Just a few of the things I know I NEED to be doing....but don't WANT to.
I had hoped that the treatments I received earlier in the summer would be more helpful in this department. Reality is I know it doesn't fix or even help the root of what is going on.
I really needed to nip this in the bud earlier in the week before it got out of control. I'm beyond knowing what I should do.
I may just have to give out an award to anyone who gets to the end of this choppy and rambling post.
I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm sick of my job. I hate my job. I'm sure those reading this will say I should be thankful I have a job. I am thankful I have a job. That doesn't mean I can't hate my job. I love what I do for a living. I really do. I've actually been doing this type of work on various levels for 11 years. However, the intensity in this particular job can be overwhelming. The people suck. They are idiotic. They are un-greatful. They are full of entitlement. They drive me to want to drink myself to sleep. Only I've never had a drink in my life. I need a vacation. I only had a 'lil' vacation this year in March. For 4 days. It was wonderful. But it wasn't a true blue vacation. I've not been able to go on a vacation or take an extended amount of time off work because I've been sick. I've used nearly 3 weeks of vacation and more unpaid time off since March...and most all was because I have been sick. It is no wonder I'm burned out.
It is hard to put on a happy face and continue on working. Reality is all I want to do is cry. The really sad part is I have no real reason to cry. I think I am putting on a happy face. Specially when I am working. When I was working on Friday afternoon something happened and I had to have a face-to-face with one of my supervisors. I thought I was appearing to be happy and in an okay mood... Yesterday after I got off work and was reporting in before I left for the day he mentioned that I looked like I was having a bad day on Friday. Really? Are you serious? Because...I REALLY thought I had put on that poker face. Screw it. Why try when I'm obviously not doing a very good job.
The positive part of my day yesterday was hearing the sweet and tender voice of one of my soul sisters. What a blessing it was. Little 20-30 min. conversation about this/that but enough to know that I'm not alone.
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