Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dirty little B* called Shame...

At some point a few months ago I came to the realization that most of my 40+ years on this earth have been filled with shame.  It is a theme that has pepper sprayed my life from the time I was very young.  There have been things that have come out in therapy in the last year, that continue to come to light, and the common theme for me is shame.  In addition to my abuse struggles, came several years of infertility and then a failed adoption...these things added to the shame that was already there.

I want to be in a place where I can let go of the shame.  Damn it has a really tight grip on me though. It isn't a fun place to be in.  It is so deeply ingrained into my though process and mind, into who I am as a being, it's been there for nearly 40 years.  It is so deeply rooted the process of shedding the shame is like manually separating muscles from my bones.  It is feels impossible.  It is excruciating.  I have had four shoulder surgeries in less than 4 years.  It feels impossible to be be able let it go.

I am sure if you talk to my therapist she will share with you (and me) that it is possible.  I am thankful for her hope and commitment to me. If I am honest, I will tell you that I have a very hard time believing it is no more possible than it is for me to get a new body.

If I am being honest, I will say that therapy feels kind of like a war zone most of the time.  I often wonder if we will survive all of the minefields in the ward zone. As with so much of the things that drive the struggles I continue to have, shame drives these thoughts.

Today...I am breathing.  Today...I am alive.  Today...I continue to put one foot in front of the other.  It's all I can do.

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