I can't place my finger on what seems to be going on internally. It's almost like the emotional roller coaster ride that never ends. Sometimes it is really intense and others not so much. Then the ride is intense again and I'm holding on for dear life again.
One minute I am doing well. The next I am in tears. The next I am yelling at my husband. And another I am literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. Then I am back to a place where I think I got a handle on things and it is going ok. The rapid changes, rapid switching and unpredictability is very hard to manage and deal with. I am feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain why and what is going on.
I know there's stuff going on internally that is creating the undercurrent of a lot of these feelings. The intensity seems to be getting worse. Often over the last few weeks (and always my therapist will ask how I am doing. I keep saying ok bc I don't know how else to explain what is going on. There are really no words to describe what I am feeling. I worry that as time continues to go on and I am unable to describe what I am experiencing she will not know how to help me. If I can't tell her how is she supposed to know? She can usually tell by facial expressions and body language there is something going on. Often it feels like she has the words that I don't.
I am thankful I don't have do this alone. I have a therapist who is there to help me through this. I have a husband that is trying to learn and be more understanding. I have my best friend who is trying her best to be supportive as she can from 5 states away. Ultimately, at the end of the day....days like today...I need them by my side when I feel as though I am sinking miserable and feel so unstable.