Slowly Processing (Part 1)

I wasn't able to fully get across what I wanted/needed from my therapy appointment this morning.  This isn't anything new and I find myself having this happen often.  Usually, I walk away with something to chew on.  Even though, I may not be able to assert or get across to J* what it is that I need to keep focus on...somehow there is always something productive...eventually.

I'm sure that something from today's appointment will come...eventually.  Mid-way threw my appt. this morning something switched.  It took every ounce of my ability to stay somewhat present. To not completely check out.  I can't say for certain what Jodi said or what I 'may/may not have heard' but it all went downhill from there.  There was one theme and one theme only that continued to roll threw my thoughts.  Regardless of how hard I tried to see things differently....it wasn't changing.  Several hours later...that thought pattern is still there.  

Often as I leave my appts with Jodi and throughout the day I will process my appt.  And usually, within a short time after leaving something will stick out and I will find it helpful.  Regardless of what thoughts, feelings, or emotions that were present during my appt...that processing begins immediately.  Occasionally, (such as the last few weeks) when it is all I can do to pull myself together and go to my appt Jodi will want to know why did I make it to that appt..and not the others? I go in with the hope and desire that even though I might be struggling and in a really dark place...there will be something that she will suggest that will stick.  That something isn't always easy to hear

Within about 10 minutes of leaving my appt. a friend called.  She wanted to know where I was and if I wanted to meet for lunch.  I left my appt fighting back tears and by the time L* called it was apparent that I was upset.  She wanted to know what was wrong and what she could do to help.  She listened to me rant about what a waste of time it was for both Jodi and I for me to make that appt.  Reassuring me that I wasn't alone and she has experienced similar experiences w/her therapist.  Reassuring me that on some level it is probably normal to think/feel this way.  This continued until I received a call from my doctors office regarding my recent mammogram.  And unfortunate for the nurse on the other line she got more than she bargained for when she called me today.

It has been several hours. I'm still in that funk. Still fighting back the same thoughts and beliefs that were present when I was in Jodi's office.

My best guess is that the darkness of depression is still fucking with my thoughts and beliefs.  I tried hard to go into my appt with an open mind, clear (or as clear as one can be in the depressive funk I've been in) from the distortion that often accompanies depression.  I didn't do so well.  

I wish the answers were easier.  I don't know what I want or need out of therapy right now. I know that I need and want to not be in this place. I know that the last million fucking years of therapy has gotten me right where I'm at today. I don't know when that switch, change, or whatever the hell it will be will happen.  

I heard Jodi and what she wants me to own and take responsibility for.  And (since I know she will read this)...I thought I adequately expressed to her that even though things are tough right now and have been for the last several weeks--last week being the worse...that I did not fall trap to the things that are easy outs for me.  This last week when I spent just about every day battling suicidal ideation and some days contemplating a way out...I made it a point to stay clear of the things that I know feed into the trap of self harm/injury.  I believe that is owning the positive.  Apparently, I wasn't very convincing.  

****This post has gotten long. It has taken me several hours to write/process...because at the moment that process is very slow!