Thursday, July 5, 2012

No Words

There are no words to accurately described how incredible upset I am this evening. 


I've cried till I can't cry.
I've cursed till I can't curse.
I've thrown shit till there was nothing more to throw.
I've cursed some more, cried some more....

Because I am the next of kin and the ONLY child that was not adopted at birth or by step-parent and because he never married the GF he lived with for the last many years.....

I am responsible for releasing his body.
I am responsible for giving permission to his parents, sister, GF....whomever to do as they wish.

And I'm pissed.

I hope the SOB rots in hell.

And in the mean time....I'm left to pick up the pieces. 

I am not an evil person.
I want my Grandfather, Aunt, his GF and whomever else to have that closure.
I don't want to be responsible for giving that permission.  
I shouldn't have to.

And shit it if isn't being laid on my lap.

I don't want to call the Medical Examiner's office.
I don't want to be told how/why he died.
I didn't want my Aunt to tell me how he died.
I don't want to know.

He never cared about me.  Why should I care about him?

F* this sucks.

I can't do this right now.  I barely have had my head above water long enough to take a breathe. I was just at a point where I could see the light flicke.  And son of a bitch if it wasn't all thrown back in my face.  


GB's Mom said...

If you can't do this right now, then don't. Take care of you. Please.

schnitzelbank said...

Hey, we don't know each other. But I'm a survivor. I would say f*ck it, sign the papers over to someone else, and walk away. You don't need to take this on. It's not anything you need to do.
Be kind to yourself. Do you have a list of kind, simple, self-care things you can do, when you feel like there's nothing else you can do?