Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Overall I've been doing much better than I was Thursday/Friday.  I tried very hard to have a good weekend with my kids.

I spent the morning/early afternoon on Saturday with my daughter. We did a little bit of shopping, were going to get lunch and then decided to stop and at the pretzel store at the mall since we were there.

Sunday, I met my mom's siblings, cousins, and Step-Dad at the zoo for a picnic lunch and fun at the zoo. I stayed w/the food and table while everyone else went off to play.  The hour of sitting in the shade helped my aching soul.

I've had very few flashbacks/memories to this point.  And what I've had being able to actually put words or understand them has been tough.  Since last week it has been an ongoing flood of flashbacks/memories.  My mom on several occasions has started crying when I've spoke to her. I've been pretty mums-the-word with her with letting her know how I'm actually doing.

  She scolded me for calling him a mother-fucker to his sister and told me I should tell his sister I was sorry. I'm not sorry.  She also told me I shouldn't have said what I did to his mom.  Again, I meant every fucking word I said...and...I will NOT tell her I'm sorry. I won't do it.   

My mom has on several different occasions apologized over and over.  She told me tonight "I used to stand and look out our living room window waiting for him to come home from work.  Wishing that he would be in a car accident and die on his way home.  He wouldn't be able to hurt me or you anymore.  He never died. And by the grace of God his dad and step-mom got me out of that hell hole."  She has never admitted that he ever hurt me.  I don't know what is harder...her not acknowledging it or acknowledging it.

Regardless, it is crushing!!  I wake up feeling like I can't breathe. My chest is being crushed. Nigh terrors are much worse than they were.  I had 2 really good nights sleep.  So far tonight....not so good.     There is an ambulance and State Troopers next door.  The lights woke me up, again.  And that last time I saw him...is being replayed over and over.  I can't help but wonder what would have happened...if those police officers wouldn't have showed up when they did.  And I'm filled with anger....once again.

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