It's Not Okay. (Part 2)

Last night was a struggle.  It is now nearly 3am and I'm wide awake. Unable to sleep.  My mind is racing.  Fighting the 'why try...just give up and fuck it all' theme that struck me during my appt yesterday morning w/J*.

I'm weary.  On the verge of giving up.  I've driven family and close friends away.  I've never felt more alone than I have the last few weeks.

I want to get past this.  I'm attempting at all cost to use these tools.  To be mindful, to concentrate on my breathing, to use the fucking tools that years of therapy have provided me.   I think about the different tools, more than just safe space stuff, the tools received in the DBT course I've been in.  And, I get even more discouraged. Why am I not strong enough to fight this battle?  What is it that I'm missing?  Something...fucking something...has got to give.  The answers and healing are all within me.  Me..and ONLY me can figure this out.


 I get that.  And yet...at the same time if I truly did get it....I wouldn't still be in therapy.  

When I made several week-to-week appointments with Jodi vs biweekly a few months ago, I decided that this was the time and place...and I was going to do this once and for all.  I knew it would be tough.  But damn it all..I was ready. 


And for a few weeks...I think I did.  
And for the most part....I still do.  I do not for a moment believe Jodi's thoughts that weekly therapy enforces the "I'm sick mindset".  
And I have no problem telling her that.  


The road is a dead end road as I see it.  When the trauma piece is brought into the dynamics of therapy...I don't see myself running the other way.  I think what I'm hearing Jodi say and what she means are 2 different things.  I want and need to be challenged when it comes to this piece of the puzzle. And yet....as I hear her she feels differently.  I get where she is coming from when it comes down to uncovering the layers of trauma and how that effects me.  I hear her and understand her trepidation about going down this path.

I know first-hand what it is like to have a therapist...push to hard, to fast, without laying down some of the ground work.  I also know first-hand....that experience has made it harder for me to trust Jodi and taken several years for the 2 of us to get to this point.

What I heard from her yesterday and what she was trying to get across...I'm certain are separate things.  I think that was obvious by my reactions and inability to not shut down/tune everything out during my appt.  Deep down...depression aside....I don't believe she trusts me in this process.  Which isn't all that surprising.

These are the things that continuously swirl in my head this evening.  The fight with depression still rages on.  It's always going to be there.  How I react to the peeling of each layer will greatly depend on the battle within at that time.