This morning I woke in the same space as I went to bed. Actually, I never really slept. The moment I would fall asleep soundly ...was the same moment I would wake. Sweating profusely. Seeing flashing lights outside my house. There were no lights. It was all just a dream/flashback.
You see...the last "memory" I have of this person whom the State he resides in says is my dad/father.....involved flashing lights from a police car. And so much more.
And so as I laid in bed...I replayed over and over what I could control.
The call to the SS Office...Done.
The call to my therapist office...Done.
(Thank you H* for your offer to contact her. We have a good relationship. And once I was able to get past the hysterics initially I made the call to J*.)
The call to the Medical Examiner ...Done.
The email to the Medical Examiner...Done.
And as I sat in the parking lot of my therapist office...I called his mother. And I let her know how angry I was. At him. At her. At this entirely fucked up situation.
And I don't regret an ounce of what I said. I know she is grieving. I know he hurt her and she is doing the best she can. She called me several hours later. Apologetic and wanting me to forgive her. To tell me she knows why I am bitter. I informed her there were things he took to his death bed that she would never know. And I was not bitter. I am angry. Angry he hurt my mother. Angry he hurt me.
The call to my Aunt...Done.
And I pray...I'm DONE with this for now.
My employer has encouraged me to take 3 days off. To plan it around a weekend off. To add in a few extra days of vacation. Today, I called the gal at our bank we work with. Without asking my husband, I got an approval for a small signature loan.
Sometime in the next month my children, husband and I will be leaving the state. Where or how long we will be gone I don't know. But I will use those 3 days and an additional 3-4 days to reconnect with my husband and children.
I have an idea of where I want to go...I just need to see if it fits within our little budget.