The Day

....is today.

Last minute chiropractor appt.  When I was adjusted yesterday my neck wasn't quite right afterwards.  And my sciatic is screaming.

Next stop : hospital for surgery.

Yes I Can

Yes, I can.
Yes, I will.
Yes, I did!
Make today count!
Courtesy of:  Begin with Yes

I can...
I will...
I am trying....


To make each moment and day count. 

Do you need a pick me up?

Read this blog post if you do.
So This One Time at Target....

It will have you belly laughing before you know it.

Blessings

I've posted this here before.  I've posted how this song speaks volumes to my heart.  Often, in moments when I haven't believed I could go on any further.

I can't find the words this evening to go along with what is truly running threw my head.  So instead of saying much at all...I will post this video.  Which speaks volumes on many different levels.

Flower Unwilling to Bloom

Sometimes we are like a flower unwilling to bloom. We hang on tightly to things that no longer serve us, and our hearts and hands aren’t able to fully open to receive the gifts the Universe has planned for us. But when we allow ourselves to bloom, we not only receive those gifts--we become them! Courtesy of: Begin with Yes

Headed Home

The week has went from bad to worse.  From the very beginning it has been a whirlwind of chaos.

My heart hurts right now more than I could ever begin to admit.

My expectations are to high.  And my daughter thinks that she means shit to me.   Her words not mine. 

It has taken every ounce of my energy to pull myself together and out of the black hole of depression I've been in.  It has been at every turn and curve.  Yet, I have muddled threw it. 

I can say it is a good thing I am not driving home.  We wouldn't arrive in one piece.

Day 2

It is 10:30am on the 2nd day of my 'funeral leave'.  Unable to get up and move my body forward.  Sure my shoulder hurts.   It isn't that I can't move because I hurt.  I don't want to.

Grief is one of those things that hits you when you least expect it. 

And today...I just wanna go back home.
And today...I just wanna not have this pressing ache in my gut.   The one that mourns for what should/could have been.  The one that mourns the loss of a child whom sits in a small town jail...awaiting his court date on Monday. 

And for today ...I don't want to he reminded why/how I got an extra 3 days off work.

R & R

Trying to get a little R & R.
Trying to stay cool.
Trying to keep my shoulder mobilized...in hopes to reduce pain.
Trying to not think about my upcoming surgery.
Trying to not loose my patience with my almost teenage child...
Trying to keep my head above water...

Moving Forward....Only Forward

Embracing life for what it is worth.  I'm a tad overwhelmed (doesn't take much) as I think about what the weeks ahead will hold.  I'm excited and terrified all in one.  While I had another massage appt today I knew exactly what I needed and wanted going in.  I made sure to let H* know that I did not want to happen.  We discussed the possibility of how to deter the easily triggered portion of my massage.  This has been an ongoing theme.  Being able to discuss it with H* and have the ability to trust she would listen to me is priceless!


My gut twisted a bit as I spoke w/my surgeon this morning regarding my upcoming surgery.  The recovery will be tough.

Even more priceless is having someone you trust to have your well-being at heart.  I'm confident that I will be in one of the best hands among surgeons in this University town.  I am not seeing anyone at the University and WILL NOT be going to the University.  I was not just another number today as I spoke w/my surgeon. I was his patient.  I was someone whom he cares about.  Sure, he will get paid because I am his patient.  Unlike, the other surgeon I saw.  He sees me for WHO I am.  A patient w/an injury.

I will rest much easier when I leave the hospital knowing that my work comp insurance company hasn't tried to screw with me.  The Nurse Case Manager has attended all of my appts except last week when I went in for an emergency appointment.  She made it clear today that I had surgery approval and it was about time to get this show on the road and start getting better...that I've attempted to do everything in my power to get better and I continue to go backwards.  I hope and pray she is right.  That her employer will not be asshats and I will be well on my way to recovery..moving forward.  ONLY forward.

Motions

Going through the motions.  Hoping and praying each day the light will emerge.  Sometimes,  it shines.  Ever so lightly.  Letting me know that it is there.  Somewhere.  And if I continue to move through the motions..the tough stuff..it will shine brighter than I've ever scene .
~~~~~
I'm concerned about having surgery and being dependent on pain medication. 

I know they increase depression and agitation.   And yet, there will be no choice. 
~~~~

I have had very little success processing and understanding the stuff that came up this week in my appt with H*.  As long as I stuff that crap right back where it came from...I'm okay...for today.

I have a surgery date.

Soon.

We had plans of using my 3 days of paid time off for funeral leave and 2 vacation days ...and...were going to escape.  Our plans to drive the NY...possible changed.   It is ALL up in the air.

I think we just need to do it.  Leave earlier than planned.  Cancel therapy appts,  reschedule dermatology evaluation, and worry about every single ounce of everything...later.

It would mean we cut it short a day in order for me to see my therapist before leaving.   I'm thinking the ability to see 2 of my sweet Soul Sisters is worth leaving a day early.  I understand my dh's thoughts and concerns.   Hello ...I'm living it.  I get it.

We need to sit down and evaluate our budget.  Can we for sure justify going?  Did we ggo somewhere closer.

In 2 weeks I'm hopung to be in my way to recovery!

The Missing Piece

During an appt with H* today some tough stuff came to the surface.  Again.  In the past I've scheduled massage appointments to be back to back or same day as my therapy appointments with J*. Somehow, I need to go back to that routine.  Granted, my appt with H* was a last minute schedule because J* is off for the week.

I've attempted to write the things that were fresh on my mind as I left that appointment.  The body-work that jolted me once again...has left me speechless...once again.  The space that was created by H* to continue moving forward and finding healing was what I needed.

Even though the work was tough.  Even though it has jolted me to my core.  Even though my heart hurts in ways that I can't even begin to describe.  Even though grief on so many levels is raging it's ugly head.  Even though all these things....I still feel desire to keep going back.  One more missing piece that I'm not the only person that knows.  Somehow, having someone else know it takes the power away from it.

Still doesn't make it easier.
Tonight it makes it much tougher.

No Real Words

This pretty much sums things up.

Month 4

It has been 4 months since I re-injured my shoulder and injured my other shoulders in an accident that was 110% preventable.   It upsets me when I think of how easy this could've been prevented.  Yet, I feel strongly it was an accident waiting to happen...as far as the reinjury is considered.

When I returned to driving 2 hours a day 3 weeks ago, I was optimistic that things wouldn't work out and be okay.  I knew it was not going to be easy.  I also knew that having not drove the 43,000 lb vehicle in 3 months would pose some physical issues.  Again, I was optimistic that with time I would begin to feel better.

That hasn't happened.   Not at all.

Each week by Thursday,  I find myself having more and more pain.  Come Friday, I'm searching for pain medication.  Maxing out the amount of tylonal I can take in 24 hour period. 

By Saturday afternoons,  I'm feeling significantly better.  With little to no issues.  Last weekend I attributed the increased pain and mobility issues to RBS dying and the stress that came with that.

As the week progressed, I have experienced more and more pain.

It is Sunday evening.   I'm in just amount of pain as I was on Friday.

I've done nothing to make the pain be increased.  I've iced it.  I have been mindful of trying to take extra care.  And I'm still struggling with the pain.

I'm afraid of calling the surgeon for fear of what happened with previous surgeon.  I know they are separate surgeons,  with separate views, and that still is keeping me from feeling like it is acceptable to call them.

I want this to be done.  I'm so afraid that as soon as this surgeon decides to schedule surgery that the work Comp company will drop my case.  Because, that is what they do.  Financially,  we can't have that happen and even moreso I don't believe I have the energy to fight them.

My prayer is that when he decides to do surgery he can get me in very quickly.  Making it work that WC won't have time to deny me.  Once I have surgery if I'm denied I can/will go back to my primary clinic.  But if it is denier before surgery is performed I have to start this process all over.  AGAIN. 

I miss driving in some ways.  I miss the passengers that I had on regular basis.

Ultimately,  I want to feel better.

I Get Up...Because of Them.

The pictures in this video are breathtaking.

These kids of mine...they fill my heart with gladness.
These kids of mine...they ease my heart of sadness.
These kids of mine...they give me hope.
These kids of mine....they fill my heart with laughter.
These kids of mine....they easy my troubles.

At the end of the day.....I do give thanks to The One...that has made this all possible for these beautiful spirits to be in my life.

They are the reason I roll out of bed...and...get up each and everyday.

Hot

I fixed the tub drain.  Waiting for my dh to do it would been useless.  It is fixed.  The evidence is clear.  Rugs now need washed.  The floor is now dry AND clean.  And the tender burnt skin is a fresh reminder that falling asleep in a scalding hot tub is not the best idea.
~~~~~
I don't need co-workers and others around me to confirm what I already know.   Walking up to someone you are not really close to and telling them "hey...--, add you ok?  You look like crap.  What is going on?  What can I do?"  Yeah...saying things like that really isn't helpful.  I am not going to in turn tell you why I look so shitty.
~~~~
My OT is certain surgery is a must.   Tonight,  even though I knew it is inevitable ....it just adds to the sinking hole I'm in.
~~~~
I need my hair cut.  My beautician and I have become friends.  She sent me a private FB message checking in.  It is just one more person I can't bring myself to talk to.   And so I have not went to get my hair cut.
~~~~
I mentioned to my husband what J* said/suggested on the phone today...he shook his head and laughed.  I can't even remember what his snarky comment was.   Basically,  he knows me and he knows the chance if anything of me reaching out for help next week in J*'s absence is not likely.  When asked what he thinks would be best he shrugged and said something on the lines of 'you need to figure that out for yourself'. 

So here I sit.  Again.  In a hot bath.  I have managed to keep myself from retreating to them.   It is what numbs out the noise and pain  around me. 

It is what it is...till it isn't. 

Look to You

I'm not feeling to religious right now.
I'm not feeling the faithfulness that my friends and family are encouraging me to look towards.
I'm not feeling anything of the sorts.

The storms have been plenty.  I am tired. I'm broken down.
I don't have the strength to keep looking and fighting.

I've posted this before.

I'll listen to this until I am able to lift my head and look to Him.
And find the strength that I need.

Obit, Flag, and Other Ramblings

I requested my name and children not be listed in RBS's obit.  It was.  My children were not listed by name.  Atleast they respected my wishes some.  I don't care regardless.  He was nothing to me other than a sperm donor.   My last name was spelled wrong.  I got a good chuckle when I read it.

Even bigger chuckle when the last sentence read "will be missed by family and friends alike."  That is the farthest thing from the truth.  His family did not ever associate with him.  Ever.

I received a phone call from someone on Tuesday asking me if I would be attending the memorial and such when his remains are entered into the veterans memorial.  In order to be given the flag that would be presented.  I won't go.  And I don't want the flag.  I don't want anything.  Just left alone.

Like a horror movie being rewound over and over....that is what the reel is playing in my head.  At every corner I see his fucking face.  At every commercial on the radio I hear his fucking voice. Every person who smokes that comes near me reminds me of his fucking breathe.  I would have never imagined a week ago when I got the call he died....this would he happening.   NEVER IMAGINED!!  Rinse, rewind, repeat....over and over.

I can't pull myself together today.  I started off raring and ready to go.  And then got hit by an overwhelming amount of grief. 

My sons FM confirmed to me last night something I knew.  And it would have knocked me down to begin with.

These two events have taken its toll today.  And I can't seem to get up.  I hurt everywhere. My entire body hurts. 

I hate this.

Tough

Today has been tough. Every ounce of my body hurts.  My chest and ribs are incredibly tender.

Surprisingly not because out our son we adopted /disrupted and the conversation I had with his Foster Mom.

Therapy took every ounce of the very little energy I have.  I came home and crashed. And getting back up is gonna be tough.

My tub drain stop is broke.  I broke it in the middle of the night when I took a bath  to find some sort of relief.  I'm feeling trapped in not being able to retreat to that. 

Crushing

Overall I've been doing much better than I was Thursday/Friday.  I tried very hard to have a good weekend with my kids.

I spent the morning/early afternoon on Saturday with my daughter. We did a little bit of shopping, were going to get lunch and then decided to stop and at the pretzel store at the mall since we were there.

Sunday, I met my mom's siblings, cousins, and Step-Dad at the zoo for a picnic lunch and fun at the zoo. I stayed w/the food and table while everyone else went off to play.  The hour of sitting in the shade helped my aching soul.

I've had very few flashbacks/memories to this point.  And what I've had being able to actually put words or understand them has been tough.  Since last week it has been an ongoing flood of flashbacks/memories.  My mom on several occasions has started crying when I've spoke to her. I've been pretty mums-the-word with her with letting her know how I'm actually doing.

  She scolded me for calling him a mother-fucker to his sister and told me I should tell his sister I was sorry. I'm not sorry.  She also told me I shouldn't have said what I did to his mom.  Again, I meant every fucking word I said...and...I will NOT tell her I'm sorry. I won't do it.   

My mom has on several different occasions apologized over and over.  She told me tonight "I used to stand and look out our living room window waiting for him to come home from work.  Wishing that he would be in a car accident and die on his way home.  He wouldn't be able to hurt me or you anymore.  He never died. And by the grace of God his dad and step-mom got me out of that hell hole."  She has never admitted that he ever hurt me.  I don't know what is harder...her not acknowledging it or acknowledging it.

Regardless, it is crushing!!  I wake up feeling like I can't breathe. My chest is being crushed. Nigh terrors are much worse than they were.  I had 2 really good nights sleep.  So far tonight....not so good.     There is an ambulance and State Troopers next door.  The lights woke me up, again.  And that last time I saw him...is being replayed over and over.  I can't help but wonder what would have happened...if those police officers wouldn't have showed up when they did.  And I'm filled with anger....once again.

I am....

Something that I've struggled with my entire teen and adult life.  Remembering these 3 simple truths.

I am Enough.

I have Enough.

I do Enough.

Depression lies.

Develop from the Negatives

I am not sure what the lesson is to be learned from this last week or even the last few weeks.  However, there is something to be learned.  And with time it will present itself to me.

I was relieved to not receive any calls today from family members in regards to my birth father.

Can't Get Up

When I got home last night I ended up retreating to the tub.  The water wasn't hot enough.  My dh telling me it is still 104 degrees and 7pm and WTH was I in a hot bath for.  He was right.

I called my grandparents.   My grandpa remarried before I was born.  And my grandma is sooo incredible awesome.  At 70 she water skis,  hikes, horse back rides, and you would never know she is 70.  I miss her so much.  I am especially glad I got her.   We talked for a long time.  She listened mostly.  Shared her experience that was similiar to mine with her birth mother.

She reminded me over and over that my Father in Heaven is all knowing and his love will not waiver even when I do.

She showed compassion for my birth father.   Telling me she has never truly hated anyone.  He was one she did.  For what he did to my mother and I.  She shared what she knew.   I let her in a little bit about what happened when he.moved back to the Midwest and what his intentions were. 

I laid in bed and chatted on my computer most of the night.   This morning I can't get up.  My body is not moving.  At all.    I want to do things and had intentions of spending time with my family.  I have a Dr appt in an hour.  I have no choice...I have to.get up.!

This pic of my pug and his monkey...remind me of how I feel today!

Done! Done! And Done!

This morning I woke in the same space as I went to bed.  Actually, I never really slept.  The moment I would fall asleep soundly ...was the same moment I would wake.  Sweating profusely.   Seeing flashing lights outside my house.  There were no lights.  It was all just a dream/flashback.

You see...the last "memory" I have of this person whom the State he resides in says is my dad/father.....involved flashing lights from a police car.  And so much more.

And so as I laid in bed...I replayed over and over what I could control. 

The call to the SS Office...Done.

The call to my therapist office...Done. 
(Thank you H* for your offer to contact her.  We have a good relationship.  And once I was able to get past the hysterics initially I made the call to J*.)

The call to the Medical Examiner ...Done.
The email to the Medical Examiner...Done.

And as I sat in the parking lot of my therapist office...I called his mother.  And I let her know how angry I was. At him.  At her.  At this entirely fucked up situation. 

And I don't regret an ounce of what I said.  I know she is grieving.  I know he hurt her and she is doing the best she can.   She called me several hours later.   Apologetic and wanting me to forgive her.  To tell me she knows why I am bitter.  I informed her there were things he took to his death bed that she would never know.  And I was not bitter.  I am angry.  Angry he hurt my mother.  Angry he hurt me.  

The call to my Aunt...Done.

And I pray...I'm DONE with this for now.

My employer has encouraged me to take 3 days off.  To plan it around a weekend off.  To add in a few extra days of vacation.   Today, I called the gal at our bank we work with.  Without asking my husband, I got an approval for a small signature loan.

Sometime in the next month my children, husband and I will be leaving the state.  Where or how long we will be gone I don't know.   But I will use those 3 days and an additional 3-4 days to reconnect with my husband and children.

I have an idea of where I want to go...I just need to see if it fits within our little budget. 

No Words

There are no words to accurately described how incredible upset I am this evening. 

None.

I've cried till I can't cry.
I've cursed till I can't curse.

I've thrown shit till there was nothing more to throw.

I've cursed some more, cried some more....

Because I am the next of kin and the ONLY child that was not adopted at birth or by step-parent and because he never married the GF he lived with for the last many years.....

I am responsible for releasing his body.
I am responsible for giving permission to his parents, sister, GF....whomever to do as they wish.

And I'm pissed.

I hope the SOB rots in hell.

And in the mean time....I'm left to pick up the pieces. 

I am not an evil person.
I want my Grandfather, Aunt, his GF and whomever else to have that closure.
I don't want to be responsible for giving that permission.  

I shouldn't have to.

And shit it if isn't being laid on my lap.

I don't want to call the Medical Examiner's office.
I don't want to be told how/why he died.
I didn't want my Aunt to tell me how he died.
I don't want to know.

He never cared about me.  Why should I care about him?

F* this sucks.

I can't do this right now.  I barely have had my head above water long enough to take a breathe. I was just at a point where I could see the light flicke.  And son of a bitch if it wasn't all thrown back in my face.  

Why?

This morning I woke having slept little.  Filled with intense emotions.

I'm angry.
In between the intense anger there are bursts of tears. 
And guilt.
And more anger.
And more tears.

And in between it all...I can't seem to grasp why ...

Why do I care?

Loss

This morning on my way to a potluck my husband called.  He had called several times over a short period and I didn't answer the phone.

He called again.

He wanted to know if I had spoke to my Grandpa.  I hadn't.

My Grandma (my grandpas ex-wife) called my daughters cell phone.  She spoke to my husband.

My birth father died in his sleep this morning. 

The sense of loss took me by surprise.  The tears that formed as my husband told me over the phone...they, too, took my by surprise.

I arrived at the potluck a few minutes later.  Everyone there knew.  Each of them, including my daughter, were surprised that I did not seem upset.

I'm angry.  That anger is portraying itself within myself physically.   My ribs...they are screaming at me today. Screaming they have been kicked in the gut.

I chatted with my mom on Facebook for a few momemts and let her know. 

I'm angry at her response.  It was what I expected.  I did not expect it to very hurtful.   And it was.

Silently grieving...in ways I don't understand.

It's Not Okay. (Part 2)

Last night was a struggle.  It is now nearly 3am and I'm wide awake. Unable to sleep.  My mind is racing.  Fighting the 'why try...just give up and fuck it all' theme that struck me during my appt yesterday morning w/J*.

I'm weary.  On the verge of giving up.  I've driven family and close friends away.  I've never felt more alone than I have the last few weeks.

I want to get past this.  I'm attempting at all cost to use these tools.  To be mindful, to concentrate on my breathing, to use the fucking tools that years of therapy have provided me.   I think about the different tools, more than just safe space stuff, the tools received in the DBT course I've been in.  And, I get even more discouraged. Why am I not strong enough to fight this battle?  What is it that I'm missing?  Something...fucking something...has got to give.  The answers and healing are all within me.  Me..and ONLY me can figure this out.


 I get that.  And yet...at the same time if I truly did get it....I wouldn't still be in therapy.  

When I made several week-to-week appointments with Jodi vs biweekly a few months ago, I decided that this was the time and place...and I was going to do this once and for all.  I knew it would be tough.  But damn it all..I was ready. 


And for a few weeks...I think I did.  
And for the most part....I still do.  I do not for a moment believe Jodi's thoughts that weekly therapy enforces the "I'm sick mindset".  
And I have no problem telling her that.  


The road is a dead end road as I see it.  When the trauma piece is brought into the dynamics of therapy...I don't see myself running the other way.  I think what I'm hearing Jodi say and what she means are 2 different things.  I want and need to be challenged when it comes to this piece of the puzzle. And yet....as I hear her she feels differently.  I get where she is coming from when it comes down to uncovering the layers of trauma and how that effects me.  I hear her and understand her trepidation about going down this path.

I know first-hand what it is like to have a therapist...push to hard, to fast, without laying down some of the ground work.  I also know first-hand....that experience has made it harder for me to trust Jodi and taken several years for the 2 of us to get to this point.

What I heard from her yesterday and what she was trying to get across...I'm certain are separate things.  I think that was obvious by my reactions and inability to not shut down/tune everything out during my appt.  Deep down...depression aside....I don't believe she trusts me in this process.  Which isn't all that surprising.

These are the things that continuously swirl in my head this evening.  The fight with depression still rages on.  It's always going to be there.  How I react to the peeling of each layer will greatly depend on the battle within at that time.

Slowly Processing (Part 1)

I wasn't able to fully get across what I wanted/needed from my therapy appointment this morning.  This isn't anything new and I find myself having this happen often.  Usually, I walk away with something to chew on.  Even though, I may not be able to assert or get across to J* what it is that I need to keep focus on...somehow there is always something productive...eventually.

I'm sure that something from today's appointment will come...eventually.  Mid-way threw my appt. this morning something switched.  It took every ounce of my ability to stay somewhat present. To not completely check out.  I can't say for certain what Jodi said or what I 'may/may not have heard' but it all went downhill from there.  There was one theme and one theme only that continued to roll threw my thoughts.  Regardless of how hard I tried to see things differently....it wasn't changing.  Several hours later...that thought pattern is still there.  

Often as I leave my appts with Jodi and throughout the day I will process my appt.  And usually, within a short time after leaving something will stick out and I will find it helpful.  Regardless of what thoughts, feelings, or emotions that were present during my appt...that processing begins immediately.  Occasionally, (such as the last few weeks) when it is all I can do to pull myself together and go to my appt Jodi will want to know why did I make it to that appt..and not the others? I go in with the hope and desire that even though I might be struggling and in a really dark place...there will be something that she will suggest that will stick.  That something isn't always easy to hear

Within about 10 minutes of leaving my appt. a friend called.  She wanted to know where I was and if I wanted to meet for lunch.  I left my appt fighting back tears and by the time L* called it was apparent that I was upset.  She wanted to know what was wrong and what she could do to help.  She listened to me rant about what a waste of time it was for both Jodi and I for me to make that appt.  Reassuring me that I wasn't alone and she has experienced similar experiences w/her therapist.  Reassuring me that on some level it is probably normal to think/feel this way.  This continued until I received a call from my doctors office regarding my recent mammogram.  And unfortunate for the nurse on the other line she got more than she bargained for when she called me today.

It has been several hours. I'm still in that funk. Still fighting back the same thoughts and beliefs that were present when I was in Jodi's office.

My best guess is that the darkness of depression is still fucking with my thoughts and beliefs.  I tried hard to go into my appt with an open mind, clear (or as clear as one can be in the depressive funk I've been in) from the distortion that often accompanies depression.  I didn't do so well.  

I wish the answers were easier.  I don't know what I want or need out of therapy right now. I know that I need and want to not be in this place. I know that the last million fucking years of therapy has gotten me right where I'm at today. I don't know when that switch, change, or whatever the hell it will be will happen.  

I heard Jodi and what she wants me to own and take responsibility for.  And (since I know she will read this)...I thought I adequately expressed to her that even though things are tough right now and have been for the last several weeks--last week being the worse...that I did not fall trap to the things that are easy outs for me.  This last week when I spent just about every day battling suicidal ideation and some days contemplating a way out...I made it a point to stay clear of the things that I know feed into the trap of self harm/injury.  I believe that is owning the positive.  Apparently, I wasn't very convincing.  

****This post has gotten long. It has taken me several hours to write/process...because at the moment that process is very slow!    

Rachel Maddow and Depression

I can't adequately describe how this article truly made me feel. I can't describe the tears that flowed continuous after reading this article and the comments.

I appreciate My Group Therapy for sharing this link with me.  I shed more than a few tears.  The timing was impeccable.  I had just left a therapy appointment in which internally I had to fight hard to not shut down.  And in the end...I did shut down.  Not because the work was tough, but because I just did.  That is another blog post coming later.

Work, Massages, Therapy, and Changes

**It is hot. I know it is hot in most places around the US right now.  I don't like working outdoors.  I am grateful for the chance I get to work at my regular job 2 hours a day.  I am trying to find gratitude in the fact I am able to have light duty work and the paycheck that accompanies it.  It does not change the fact it has been in the high 90's for several days on end.  Reaching 100 degrees on more than one occasion.  And today being one of those days.

I'm fortunate that I have a husband who is supportive and understanding (usually)  that I get frequent massages.  He sees and knows the benefit it provides.  The last few times I've seen H* ..have been solely energy work.  Focussed on breathing and not 'checking out/holding my breathe'.  I went in to my appt today wanting to change our focus.  Physical and emotionally I've been all over the place.  The focus was good.  I am glad I was able to speak up and tell H* what I wanted the focus to be.  I have struggled a bit with this aspect and am grateful I was able to not get lost in the world of depression.  Speaking to my husband about how it went was good.  He didn't fully understand.  However, he tried and that is what I needed.

I have a therapy appt in the morning.  And hopefully,  I will be in a space where I am able to find the focus that *I* need...like I did today.

Last but not least...there are some significant dietary changes on the horizon.  I had an allergic reaction on Friday night when my husband and I were out on our "date" night.  And then again on Saturday.   At one point I was a tad concerned an EMS call was in store.  I recovered quickly but it took a huge physical toll on my body for the remainder of the day.

Day 1 was not really a struggle.  My fear is it is easy for me not to eat...at all.  Because of my WLS ...I rarely am hungry.  Hoping I can not become the raving lunatic and mean person...that I was the last time I did this elimination diet.

More time

I need a bit more time ...another day off. 

The Sunsets

And the Sunrises.

Every day I think, hope, and pray that with each new sunrise there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

This low has been tough.  Much different than other times I have been here and at times a bit scarier.  I have never lacked trust in myself when it comes to BELIEVING I would not harm myself.  That belief is/was gone.  I say WAS not because this spurt is over.  Because, it has lifted enough for me to see, accept,  and take responsibility to do no harm.

I pushed like hell to BE present at all times yesterday with my family.  It was tough.   And I ended the day emotionally drained. 

Tonight the sun will set just like it did in this picture taken with my phone last night. And tmw..it will rise again.