Sunday, February 12, 2012


Stormy Skies on a Summer Night 2010
Stormy skies can have a bit of everything....anything from down right scary to peaceful moments all in one.  This is somewhat where I'm at. 

The above portrait was taken on a rather scary and yet peaceful summer night in 2010.  Less than 5 miles from where this portrait was taken (our backyard) there were a few different tornados touching down at that very moment.  The tornado sirens had been going off for several hours.

I'm finding myself in between these days.  There are rather stormy internal tornados whirling w/in my thoughts.  Amping up my anxiety, depression and hopelessness.  There are moments of peace and calm as I continue to use the tools that i know that help.  Then there are moments of both - peace and calm and turmoil. 

I struggle with finding balance and peace all in one.  One of my best also one of my biggest triggers.  Actually, two of my best friends are both my biggest triggers.

One of them...I'm unable to distance myself from.  There is only so much you can distance yourself from your mother. 

I've set boundries. I know that discussing my struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation is something that is not healthy for me.  Nor her.  I know that her comments regarding the issue only fuel my depression and hopeless thoughts.  Therefore, I don't discuss it w/her.

It is on rare occasion that I bring up my birth father's family.  I'm really struggling with many issues that are surrounding my birth father.  Having the negative comments regarding his family is rather tough.  Often, as in today, they don't sit well.  Using the tools and such that I know can be helpful is not something in my radar.  Sleeping and staying in bed is...  My issues w/church, the priesthood, and so much more....are wrapped up in this very storm.  If I would be one of those days!

The storm continues to rage....and just when I think I have it under control...I don't.

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