Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Flicker of Light

There is a very small light flickering that has peeked into the darkness today.  Not very much.  Just enough to remind me that there is hope and healing.

I hurt my shoulder.  Again.  Suck.  There was an incident at work last night that 'made it worse'.  I've been struggling with constant pain over the last few weeks, not just in my shoulder.  This morning was rough.  Really rough.

I had emailed my massage therapist last night asking about any openings this week.  She touched base w/my husband this morning and worked me into her schedule today.  I made it very clear that I was in no space to do body work.  Very light body work, maybe. But nothing intense or close to it.  Just plain..."I need to feel better".  I left with my shoulder feeling 10x's lighter.  Thank Heaven.  I took the afternoon off of work and just plain focused on....being present!!  This was an area that was hard for me this morning during my massage. Pain usually triggers a 'check out' response.  With H* help and constant reminders there wasn't much of that happening.  Actually, I think one or two times she noticed that I had checked out and gently brought me back to a place of breathing into the pain and not shutting down. 

I attempted to remind myself of the wonderful woman I will be surrounded in March.  This time can not come soon enough. 

As I said in the title....there is a very small light flickering.  It is every so tiny.  It is there. 


I've been reminded in a rather subtle manner...what true really about.  For nearly 18 years, my BFF and I have told each other everything.  We've been through some pretty deep shit together.  She almost died.  I nursed her newborn son while she was in a drug induced comma for 4 weeks, followed by a 4 month hospital stay.  I did not nurse him the entire 4 months. Just in the beginning and then pumped milk till he was fully weaned off and on a special formula. We've seen tough times together.  And yet, as I have swam against the current, so-to-speak, the last few months...and the last month specifically AND the last week...she has been no where to be found.

I'm hurt.  Beyond hurt to be honest.  I've thought this over many times over the last few days.  Telling myself that I can't expect her to be supportive, loving, and there fore me.....if I dont' tell her what is going on.  Yet, I know she knows.  I've heard my husband on his phone.. said "She's not doing well right now.  She's in bed.  She's went to work and come home and went back to bed.  She says to text her...she will return text.  She can't talk to anyone right now.... blah blah blah"  I've heard these conversations.  I know he has had phone calls from her and I know he has told her to send me FB private messages or txt message. 

Just a lil' vent.

I've stepped out of my comfort zone and spoke to another trauma momma regarding some pretty heavy stuff.  And...I've not fallen apart.  I'm hear. I heard her.  I think she needs to become LSW in my home state and start taking my insurance and work side-by-side with my therapist.  I *HEART* this woman.  I can't wait to kiss her....ONE month baby....ONE MONTH!!

No comments: