Thankfulness Project Monday

Tonight I am trying to see the positive even though it is extremely difficult.  This list will be rather short and a repeat from a previous post.  However, the reality is all the same!!

*I'm thankful for friends who get me.  Who continue to be loving and supportive when I can't even be loving or supportive.  Who talk me down off the ledge.  And if you read this blog for any length of time...you will know that the last several months AND the last few weeks....I've needed to be talked down off that ledge more than once.  And the last few days....well we won't even go there.  So 100x's over....I'm more than thankful for those friends who get me!!  I would be even more thankful if she moved to WI. ;-)

*For the ability to participate in a DBT group.  Even though, each week I leave and say I"m not going back.  Tonight, I left in tears.  Radical acceptance is going to be extremely hard....maybe in a few weeks or months or years......I can put this part of the DBT group in my Thankfulness Project Monday posts. 

Discouraging

As much as I hate taking medication....believe it or not often I am optimistic it will be helpful.

Last month when my doctor mentioned a new medication she has had great success with in another patient who had gastric bypass ...I was optimistic.   Somewhat disappointed she wanted to wait and wanted to switch welbtrin to non extended release and increase the dose.  Then she would consider the sublingual medication if that didn't go well.  I've blogger about how that went.

So last week when she decided to switch to the other medication I was optimistic.  I knew going into this there were odd and not so good side effects.  However, there comes a point where those side effects end up being outweighing the negative effect of not having the proper medication.   As air mentioned before I did not look up the side effects past the 'most common'.  I wanted to give this everything I had in me to give it a try.  As I've blogger before over the last few days....it hasn't been real good.  I knew immediately that a few of the things I was experiencing were directly related to this new medication.

I missed work again yesterday.   There is no way possible I could have worked.

I am doing a little better today.  Today is my Saturday.  I seen my chiropractor again this morning.  The 3rd time since Friday.  He asked if I was taking a new medication.  Before telling him what and yes I was I asked him why.  My dh was with me to witness and hear his answer.  It shocked me that he could tell.  He has intsructed me not to take it until I speak and/or see my psychiatrist.   And then if she feels it is unrelated he wants me to be seen by my PCP.  He confirmed the extreme side pain from my ribs to my stomach to my low back are very weak and stiff muscles.   Muscles that don't have a reason to be that stiff and sore unless there is and underlying issue.

He also instructed me to get a massage asap.  I have one scheduled early tmw am.

I'm very discouraged today.  Trying very hard to not let depression sink back in.  Its not working so well.  I spent the day mostly in bed.   I went to bed VERY early.  Nearly 13 hours later my dh woke me.  I'm struggling to get myself to an appt I have this evening.

~Everyday~

I tell myself..."this too shall pass..."   And with every day I believe it less and less.  It will I know that. I really do.  However, at that moment in time (or right now) it is rather hard to believe....this too shall pass.

I seen my chiro yesterday morning before another appt that I had.  My shoulder and ribs have been bothering me (nothing unusual to be honest) more and more.  He agreed that taking it easy yesterday wouldn't be a bad idea.  He also told me he didn't believe I should work the weekend.  I decided taking last night off would be the lessor of two evils when it came to working and loosing hours.  So I called in sick last night.  Hoping and believing that I could work tonight and Sunday.  Monday and Tuesday are my days off this week.  I ended up calling in sick today. It's a good thing to be honest.

Day 3 of taking this lovely med didn't go as bad as the first night.  However, my body and mind already knew what to expect.  I didn't vomit as much last night as the two previous nights.  But enough to be frustrating all the same.

I've had an upset stomach.  Today it is much worse.  Sour, muted, stinky breathe and gassy stomach.   I stink.  Everything about me stinks. I can't shower enough. I can't brush my teeth enough.  I crave ICE COLD drinks and ICE!!!  I can't get enough the more I drink.  The more I want.  The more ice I chew the more I want.  I've made several home-made icee's.  It isn't enough.  I can't get this taste out of my mouth.  My tongue - oh' dear lord my tongue...it feels as though I've burnt it over and over and over again. 

Sleeping is an issue.  Yet, it always is an issue.  It's different though.  And I'm not sure if it is med related or not. 

I've read a little bit about the side effects.  I'm trying hard not read anything online about side effects.  I believe very strongly that every single med has a side effect that will be an issue and cause you to not want to take it if you truly don't want to take a medication.  I dislike taking ANY and ALL medications...even pain pills such as tylonal.  So I've read only the basics.

I'm in a little better space than I was the last couple of posts.  I'm thankful for beautiful friends, even though they are 5 hours away, who listen w/o passing judgement.  Who make me laugh, when I really don't think I could laugh at all.  Who get it w/o trying to fix me (giving me ideas and such is not FIXING.....just so you know. hehehehe)  You know who you are and thank you so incredible much.

Day 2

*For my own sake I want to document how this new med is going.  How I am doing.  If to don't care to read...don't!

Day 1-2.

Wednesday evening I took Saphr.is for the first time.   It was horrible.  My pdoc warned me she was concerned the taste would be an issue. She wasnt joking.  Sublingual bullshit is wht it was.  The side effect was horrendous! !

I woke up Thursday in a very BAD space.  Read previous post.  I deleted half of it.  Suffice to say it was probably one of the closest days I have had to throwing in the towel and just being down with everything.  There is no hiding the fact that I was more than done with life, feeling hopeless and suicidal.   At one point I contemplated calling my therapists office. And decided it would be a waste of my time.  If she was free or when she would be she would just be optimistic and tell me to do the things I know to do.   Depression sux!  And ind  those moments 'knowing' is not helpful.   And since I really didn't want to here her optimistic and other shit I didn't call her.  The other hold back is...in fear of actually telling her how bad things really were.

They still are today. And I'm not so sure I will make it to work.

The 2nd dose was just as bad as the first.  My tongue has a burned taste/feel and I can't get enough to drink or enough ICE!!!  My head is killing me.  Throbbing ...depression or meds?  Idk!  Continue to be light-headed and tired.  Dead weight tired.

Hard to say what the effects are.  What are withdrawal effects from previous medication.  What are just plain severe depression.  I do know it isn't in my best interest or my customers for me to work.  However, I'm struggling with loosing the $ aspect of the OT.  I generally call in sick at the drop of a hat and don't worry about the $ aspect.   I had a very hard time concentrating at work last night and made MANY mistakes.  And bc of that I need to weigh the benefits.

I don't have the urges or impulsive nature tht I did yesterday.  I am also still in bed.  I will go shower and pray for a calm that is needed to make it till this evening.  I'm on late night pms again all next week. 

A Little Reminder

because...I need it today in a really bad way.

**warning:  raw and choppy**

Find myself thinking from time to time:

This will be the day. 

The day that the sun will shine brighter.

The day that my shoulders feel lighter. 

The day that Debbie Downer will go the hell home and stay the frick away from here.

From time-to-time I read different sayings that are positive and uplifting.  Basically stating if you think positive things...you will feel positive and feel better.  Screw that!  I'm here to tell you that even though I've not been positive all that often...I've tried it.  I've sat and read uplifting things for hours upon hours over the last several weeks.   I guess I'm not faithful enough or positively positive enough to have it work its magic or some damn thing on me.



I am especially tired today.  Not physically so much.  I was in bed by 12:30am (after I took the new medication for the first time and then spend several minutes puking and trying not to freek the hell out bc my tongue was tingling and numb.) And got up out of bed at 12:30pm.  I did not sleep that entire time.  I woke up around 9:30am and dozed off and on until I got up and showered.

My kids are home from school today.  My husband left with them shortly after 9:30am.  I thought he wanted to meet for lunch.  Which is why I got up and showered. I called him at 12:45 to see where they were and he responded with 'at the food court eating lunch'.  A few short 'oh I thought we were going to meet for lunch comments from me' and I hung up.  In tears.  One puddle of tears that hasn't stopped.

I miss my kids something fierce.  I've worked pms for 3 straight weeks and looks like I will be working another week of pms next week. Which is okay.  Yet, I miss my kids.  When I am home I feel so disconnected from them and what they are doing.

My son will be baptised next weekend.  And even this event and the planning around it....I've not been a part of. Not one bit of it.  I want to.  I've been informed of the date and time by my husband.  I've only mentioned it to a few people...as in 2.  I mentioned it to my mom a few days ago when she was here.  Knowing she would not be interested in coming (she's very anti-LDS) and not be supportive.  She will be to my son but then will makes snide hurtful comments to me later on. 

I have said over and over and over and over again....I get up again and again....because of my kids.  And yet....I'm not there for them.  So why continue getting up?  Why continue fighting this ugly efn fight?

Rinse and Repeat

This will be my montra for today.

Surgery consult today went well. I was terrified seeing someone new.  She was awesome!!  I wanted to kiss her.  I thought maybe that wasnt very appropriate.   I guess I was worried she would jump the gun and do surgery.  She wants ANOTHER DAMN MAMMOGRAM!  I'm not impressed with that.  Whatever.

After sitting in my psychiatrist office for over 45 minuted PAST my scheduled appt.....I left with new med samples and discontinue the one I was on.  Unfortunately,  I was extremely pissed that she was 45 minutes late and so instead of blowing off the steam ...i kindly told her I was pissed and very bitchy.  And was really unable to say much other than that.

My head hurts.  A LOT!! As in i have a migraine and can't seem to hold back the tears.  I want to just hit it up against the wall.  But I'm working....not a good idea.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

....atleast it feels like it.

Thankfulness Project Monday

I've not participated in this the last few weeks/month as I should have. 

**As posted previously I had lunch today w/a co-worker/friend.  What a blessing she was to me.  I needed to hear her story. And how she has/is/continues to recover from such a tragic accident.  What a blessing to hug her.  To feel her love.  To see her laugh and laugh with her.  To be able to cry with her.  Such a blessing to just be....the 2 of us....for that hour.

I'm leaving it at that tonight. 

Sweetness

The last few months I have told my co-worker and friend D_  after her accident that we needed to get together for lunch.  It has never happened.

Until today.

I didn't tell her how anxious I was to get to see her.  To talk to her first hand, in person, with out other co-workers around...since her accident.  I have text with her and FB with her but haven't been able to sit down.  Friend to friend.  Look her in the eye and say 'how are YOU?' Or to look her in the eye and tell her how damn sorry I am and how there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and wish I could hug and kiss her.

Today that changed.

I knew I loved this lady and her tender heart before our date today.  Hot damn do I love her even more.  What a brave and courageous lady she is.

Everyday she gets back up.   Over and over.  I know its not easy. She asked how I found out. I told her my initial reaction when I heard about the accident.  I happened to be sitting in my psychiatrist office.  In a private mental health clinic.  And my reaction to my dr.  She laughed and said 'shes my Dr, too...isn't she awesome?'  When I told her my initial reaction she said '_ if it werent for my family....'  That has stuck with me like glue today.

I get up.....again and again.  Because of my children.  Because of my husband.  God forbid I ever find myself wearing her shoes.  I PRAY she is there by my side reminding me....how and why she did get back up!

I love you my friend!!  You did more for my heart today than go will ever know.

Quote

Boy oh' Boy...did I E.V.E.R. need to hear/read this quote tonight:

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past,
not to worry about the future,
not to anticipate the future,
but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

Sometimes...

There are just no words.
No picture to capture a thought or mood today.
No words that can really comfort my heart.

My dh did something today that I'm certain he feels is 'ok'.
It is not.
I was so hurt and upset that I was unable to express that to him.
This is not a blog about our disruption.  I will not say what or how or anything of the sorts on this blog.
I will say ....it adds a son to my anxiety and depression that wasnt needed.
My biggest freeking fear.  Will come true before I know it. 
And I don't know that I can handle that.

So for today there are no real words of anything.

I accompanied my family to Sacrament this morning.  Today was the Ward Primary Presentation.  What beautiful spirits these children are.  My son, was asked to give a lil 2-3 sentence talk.  Which he did and did so beautifully.  Such a handsome young man.  Such a sweet spirit. 

Sitting next to me was my daughter, who is no longer in Primary.  She is now in Young Women's.  On our way to church this morning she informed me about what she is doing in her Personal Progress Goals (Personal progress is similiar to Eagle Scout Award) for young women ages 12-18 years old.  As she spoke, I choked down the tears. The pain in my chest was deep.  Listening to this beautiful young lady speak about her Faith.  Her her love for her Father in Heaven.   And with Faith...anything can happen she told me this morning.

Fighting to keep my head above water most days  I am not the example that I should be.  I swear way to much. I refuse to go to church with them. I hear my own Youth Leaders voices as telling me as a Young Women, a few years older than my daughter "__ you lead by example, keep the faith that you have strong...and your mother will follow."  And here I am...listening to my daughter talk to me about faith.  And wondering.....is what her leaders are telling her.  "_ if you leave by example, keep the faith that you have strong....and your mother will follow?" Is it?  Am I failing my children in an area that once,  was so incredible strong and yet now makes me physcially ill just walking into the building?
 I am missing so much in my childrens lives!

I need to compose myselfand put lunch in the oven.  My husband and children will be home in a few minutes and last I want to do is answer questions about why I've been crying for the last 2+ hours.

Breathing is Good

It's late.  Very very late.  Way past this momma's bedtime.  I'm working late night pm's this week.  I've also picked up 3 overtime short shifts in the mornings.  Yesterday, well actually Wednesday bc it is now technically Friday, I was able to come home and sleep.  And sleep I did. I woke up 2 hours later...drinched in sweat and a bite mark on my hand.  Damn, I hate it when that happens.  :o)

Today, I agreed to extra work early this morning.  On very little sleep from the night before, I was unable to take a nap when I came home from work this morning (Thurs).  I turned down all extra work for this morning (Fri Am). I can't do it.  I need to breathe.  I need to sleep.  Taking extra work again would just be setting myself up to fail.

The last 2 days have been bad days. 
Yes, I worked. And I know that is functional. 
Which is the goal - I guess.  However, it came at a very high cost. 

This morning, I was greeted by the security supervisor for my job.  I had an issue and needed to discuss it with him.  While discussing it with him he brought up a comment that another coworker told him I made.  Geniunely concerned he told me he could give me a referal to our Employment Crisis Intervention team.  A few months ago, after my coworker/friends accident, that took the life of someone...I met with them.  I have no plans on meeting with them again.

Lesson learned.  Don't say stupid crap in front of other coworkers.  No matter how damn tired you are...it is never wise to mention you you have thought about dong something really stupid..  Yeah.....I know from experience....you can't say those things unless you know 100% the people/person isn't gtoing to come back to bite you in the ass in the end.

For now, I'm still breathing.
Sometimes, fast and rapid breathes and others barely able to muster up the strenght to keep on moving.  Regardless,....for today I'm breathing.

And.....Breathing is good.

As I was working this evening I had thought about something I wanted to write out on here.  I actually, wrote/thought the entire blog post in my head.  I've come home from work and taken some meds...not my regular meds..in hopes that they will make me tired enough to sleep and sleep SOUNDLY!!!  And, I'm beginning to feel the effects.

Chocolate

.....for me it would be chocolate.

I've consumed an ungodly amount of chocolate in the last 24 hours.  Seriously, how I'm not in a comma is beyond stinking me!!

If you know anything about gastric bypass - you know that chocolate (aka: sugar) is not supposed to be your friend.  And in many cases it is not my friend.  However, chocolate and I've went to an all new level.

I just got off the phone with my doctors office.  I think I will go get some more chocolate.  Not a wonder why I'm so fat.

Link

Sleep isn't always my friend.

The last few weeks, sleep and I've been cursing each other out something fierce.  Read my previous post regarding medication.  Instead of not sleeping bc of this/that/tit/tat...it is more because I'm not able to sleep because of never ending energy that one shouldn't have at 2am.  Often, when I'm unable to sleep, I will toss and turn and curse and toss some more. 

For whatever reason I came across this link last night as I was up...cooking. (If you know me...you KNOW...I DON"T COOK!!)  Anyway, i hits home on many different levels.

As I read these 3 annonymous accounts from beautiful and strong ladies, my heart crumbled to pieces. Even though my own story is a tad different, it is equally the same.  I pray that I will be able to get to a point where I can find healing and comfort instead of guilt and shame.

Weary

I've had a little break from the downward spiral I had been in.

Struggling to find a happy-medium with the medication combo I'm on.  I have had issues with malabsorption since my gastric bypass several years ago.  And, since that time it has been frustrating finding a middle ground.

I'm not a medication fan.  I'm frustrated right now and having a very hard time not saying forget it. 

Today would be one of those days if you asked me 'are you glad you had gastric bypass? '  I would have to be very honest and say no.  Weary is the only real thing that comes to mind. 

Hope

Trying very hard to hold on to the tiny string.

Tired

I don't remember writing last nights post.

I asked my husband if he wrote it.

He said "I don't read or even know how to log into your blog(s).  Why would I write a blog post about your medication issues".

He then said "How do you know if you wrote a blog post if you don't remember doing it?"
My response:  "I get google reader notifications bc I like to make sure I 'read' what I write - albiet choppy and crappy and full of gramatical errors".

My response continued on...."and for times when I actually am so incredible tired from not sleeping worth crap for several days and then having to set my alarm for 3am = 2 days in a row."
He then said:  "Oh...yeah so no...I did not write a blog post for you.  And did you call your pdocs office, yet?"

Meds

I hate them!

A few weeks ago, my pdoc changed my meds from extended release to regular release.  We discussed that I was most likely not absorbing any of my medication.  (I have significant malabsorption isssues).

Initially, the quanity per day/dose was to much.  I have played around with the amount I have taken each day for the last few weeks.  If I stay at 2 p/day I tend to do okay.

However, as soon as I increase back to 3 pills a day....not so good.  It is really a tough call between "are you really doing better?  are you doing SO MUCH better that yo uare not realizing that this is what life should be like?  Or could the dose be to high/to much at once?"

These are all things I've ran back and forth in my lil head. I discussed it a lil bit with J* on Tuesday when I saw her. I've not discussed it with my pdoc yet.  It is now late Thursday evening, I have to work on Friday and at the rate I'm going I am afraid that if I leave my house....sh*t might hit the fan.

As I mentioned, I've been staying right around 2 pills per day.  This week I thought I would try to increase it to the regular dose.  Instead of taking 3 full pills p/day I tried 2.5.  I've taken 2.5 pills every day this week.  Yesterday, I was agitated.  But who wouldn't be agitated when they have to get up at 3am and go to work?  I had to do the same thing today.  And even though I'm extremely tired...aka: fell into a deep sleep during my 90 minute massage today and cann barely keep my eyes open now...if I go to bed I will just lay there. 

J* wondered if the dose is to high/to fast and if I wasn't a tad ont he hypo-manic side.  Even though I'm not really bothered by the effects I'm having from the medication, those around me are.  I tend to get upset and mad easisly; often blowing off steam.  

Today in the realm of things was a bad day.  Day 4 of taking 2.5 pills is to much.  I saw my PCP today and mentioned to her the 'difference'.  She suggested sticking with 1 or 2 tablets andmaking sure I get in touch w/my pdoc.  UGH!

....I will have to finsih this post some other time.  I keep falling asleep.  And since sleep has come very infrequently lately...I will take it when I can get it.

~Weekend Highs and Lows~

Over the last few weeks (and months to be honest)....I have needed pick me up.

 In August my family and I traveled to the Windy City to meet up with a sweet soul sister and her family.  Then 2 weeks later my children and I traveled to her home town on Labor Day weekend of loving on each other.  On my way back to my home state (6 hour drive) she sends me a txt that her dh had something he wanted to come see this weekend in our hometown area.  

Early last she came down with pneumonia.  Then her littles got sick.  My brother in law let us borrow his pop-up camper.  And so on Friday afternoon they left for what ended up being a few hours longer.

The weekend started off with a great big bang.   *insert a LARGE sarcastic tone* 

Half-way to our home their oldest child started vomitting.  After a 6 hour trip ended up being much longer they arrived at our home.  Hugging her sweet neck was what my heart needed.  Little did we know what the next 24 hours would have in store for her family. 

We headed to the Capitol to the infamous Farmer's Market. We had a coworker/friend of mine join us at the Capitol and for lunch.  Her husband went off on his own to explore and take in what the City had to offer in the bustling downtown area.  We left my husband home w/her 2 littles, my 2 children and my nephew.  Then one of my other nephews came over and a few neighbor girls to visit my daughter.  After we ate lunch it became obvious that her son was not getting better and needed to seek medical treatment.  If anything, I was thinking he had got dehydrated and needed some fluids. I truly thought in my heart when we arrived at the Satellite ER in a suburb of the City....that he would receive fluids and we would be on our way back to my home. 

Unfortunately, that was not the card that was dealt.  I picked her husband up in town. And then we returned to my home to pick up a few neccesities for her dh while he accompianied their very ill son, who was taken by ambulance,  to the City where he was admitted in a larger hospital.  (The hospital he was orginally at was only a ER...this is a new concept in our area and I actually love it. It was our 2nd time going there. They so wonderful.  D* received exceptional care.)

She returned to her hometown late Sunday evening.  Leaving her husband and son here.  Orginally, it was thought that her son would spend more than just a few days in the hospital.  She tied up some loose ends at home and work.  Then turned around and made the trip back North to be w/her husband and son.  And of course...me. 

By the time she arrived last night her son had made a complete turn around and was ready to be released from the hospital.  Prayers were answered. 

They are getting a good night sleep (I hope...it is still early here) and will return home sometime today.

It has been such a blessing to be w/their family during this trying time. I can't even begin to imagine how incredible stressful it has been. I can imagine....and I know I wouldn't have kept myself together as well as she has.

I will get to see her a lil bit longer this morning. I've fought a cold for several days. Nothing to significant and nothing that a little tylonal couldn't help.   As the day progressed yesterday and into the night my chest became heavier and heavier.  I called in sick for work today.  Orginally, I had thought maybe I would book off for my morning routes and then go back this afternoon/evening.  My head hurts to much and quite frankly the stress and bs that is surround my job is making me batshit crazy.

I will get another hug and a few laughs in before she leaves!!

And

will be thinking about when we will be getting back together to love on each other!!