because...I need it today in a really bad way.
**warning: raw and choppy**
Find myself thinking from time to time:
This will be the day.
The day that the sun will shine brighter.
The day that my shoulders feel lighter.
The day that Debbie Downer will go the hell home and stay the frick away from here.
From time-to-time I read different sayings that are positive and uplifting. Basically stating if you think positive things...you will feel positive and feel better. Screw that! I'm here to tell you that even though I've not been positive all that often...I've tried it. I've sat and read uplifting things for hours upon hours over the last several weeks. I guess I'm not faithful enough or positively positive enough to have it work its magic or some damn thing on me.
I am especially tired today. Not physically so much. I was in bed by 12:30am (after I took the new medication for the first time and then spend several minutes puking and trying not to freek the hell out bc my tongue was tingling and numb.) And got up out of bed at 12:30pm. I did not sleep that entire time. I woke up around 9:30am and dozed off and on until I got up and showered.
My kids are home from school today. My husband left with them shortly after 9:30am. I thought he wanted to meet for lunch. Which is why I got up and showered. I called him at 12:45 to see where they were and he responded with 'at the food court eating lunch'. A few short 'oh I thought we were going to meet for lunch comments from me' and I hung up. In tears. One puddle of tears that hasn't stopped.
I miss my kids something fierce. I've worked pms for 3 straight weeks and looks like I will be working another week of pms next week. Which is okay. Yet, I miss my kids. When I am home I feel so disconnected from them and what they are doing.
My son will be baptised next weekend. And even this event and the planning around it....I've not been a part of. Not one bit of it. I want to. I've been informed of the date and time by my husband. I've only mentioned it to a few people...as in 2. I mentioned it to my mom a few days ago when she was here. Knowing she would not be interested in coming (she's very anti-LDS) and not be supportive. She will be to my son but then will makes snide hurtful comments to me later on.
I have said over and over and over and over again....I get up again and again....because of my kids. And yet....I'm not there for them. So why continue getting up? Why continue fighting this ugly efn fight?