Monday, October 29, 2012

Musings....blogging in circles!

I came home this evening with my thoughts, actions, and everything about me...spinning!   Two appointments back to back left me with my head spinning.  The urge to self medicate and pick away my nails is strong as hell.  I've been able to hold off at this point.  Blogging in bed is a distraction at the moment. 

I know this probably will make no sense what-so-ever.  That is ok.

Today brought with it therapy and appointment with my chiropractor.   Therapy should be somewhat uncomfortable,  right?  It was!  As I drove home thoughts about some of the deeper things in my life that are really tough seemed to swirl in circles.  The heaviness and weight of this particular issue seemed to overtake the physical pain in my shoulder.  Dr. M had just spent 30 min doing more intensive massage work than previously. My appt ended 15 minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore.  The emotional pain and worry seemed to take over as soon as I left his office.

I know this is a bit vague.   Safe to say I'm not very comfortable at the moment discussing/blogging.   As one of the other blogs/mom/friend I follow wrote last week...'I'm making my world small'.  And this is what seems to sink into my thoughts as I swirl in circles about what the future holds on so many levels.
Logically I know beyond shadow of a doubt that taking cymbalta was not good.  Yet, I find if damn hard to believe it tonight.
Finding alternative ways to cope and not snap at my husband is not something I want to do at the moment.   I'm not going to think about it.  It isn't the top of my priorities.  I know my children and husband have been/are one of my main values in my life.  I know I shouldn't say some of the things I do to my dh.   But I do.  I take full responsibility for it.  I understand and get fully the reasons behind 'not' being snarky and snappy towards my husband.  In the past I have, in my opinion,  been an active participant in therapy with finding alternate methods of coping.  Today..not so much.
To say I'm a defiant preschooler is probably correct.  At the same time....the internal dialogue is swirling some pretty deep shit.  And so the entire thought of 'being a defiant preschooler' is much more attractive than the alternative.
Taking cymbalta was better than this!

1 comment:

Jgirl said...

Sometimes you do have to make your world small. So what if we can't quite follow what you're saying? Sometimes the blog has to be exactly what you need it to be, instead of appearing all tied up with a bow.

I can't imagine dealing with my emotional pain and having physical pain on top of it! Thankfully I live alone, so the only person I snap at is the cat :)