Hellacious

I'm not doing well.
Terrible day today.  Actually, been several tough days.
 I don't want to go over it again.  I had a therapy appt with J* today.
 I didn't want to go.   Often, I say that. I always do.  Usually with hope and a desire to get to the end of some of the ick.  That didn't happen today.
Instead fear, depression, anxiety, and all kinds of other ick took over.   Leaving me unable to communicate with here to what depth I'm struggling.  
I wish it was different.  It wasn't.
I've been here before. Yet, it is different.
Today's therapy appt was more draining than any I've had in a very long time.  The aftermath has been numbing. Hell it was numbing while I was there. Shutting down completely.  Moving closer to the edge.  Came home and just wanted to rest.  Laid my head down and as I sunk into my bed, hearing my dh's words, I tuned the rest of the house out.  I wasn't sleeping. I could hear the TV and my dh folding laundry.  He knew things weren't okay. My body heavy. Shoulder, feet, back and head trapped inside with a prickly metal wire feeling.  It is the longest and most intense dissociating experience that has occurred in as long as I can remember.

I was reminded of this little saying "Sometimes it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe" as I got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I crawled in the shower and sat there till the water ran cold. And sat there longer with cold water running over my face.  Wake up. Snap out of this.

About this time of my children came in the bedroom/bathroom complaining that he/she needed to shower and there was no hot water.  And so I get out and sit in the recliner.  Still numb. Still trying to process what it is that seems to have grabbed a hold of me by the horns and yanked me down under.

And so it continues.