Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Fear and Anger

Staring at a blank screen.  Whirlwind of thoughts swirl in out of my mind.  I tell myself.."Just go back to sleep.  It is only 1:45am."

Put the phone down and close my eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.  It doesn't last but a few seconds. Fear and panic have set in.   I tell myself..."-- you are safe. -- is no longer alive.  He can't hurt you."

The whirlwind continues to rage on.  Curled up in fetal position,  clutching the pillow that has been supporting my arm in bed for 8 weeks now.  It now serves as some sort of comfort.  Using every little bit of energy I have fighting off the tears and barrage of negative thoughts. Why can't I just go back to sleep?

In this moment I am that 5 yr old little girl again.  Replaying one of the last memories I have of being with --.  I tell myself "--, you are not 5.  You are thirty something ..." 

Emotions switch from fear and panic to anger. 

The battle rages on within my head.  And everytime I close my eyes...the same scenario is right there.

I hate him. 

I'm angry.

1 comment:

Dina Marie ~ A Plucky Procrastinator said...

I'm sorry you had a rough night. The mind certainly does like to take us around and around in circles, doesn't it? I hope today is a much brighter, pain-free day.