Musings....blogging in circles!

I came home this evening with my thoughts, actions, and everything about me...spinning!   Two appointments back to back left me with my head spinning.  The urge to self medicate and pick away my nails is strong as hell.  I've been able to hold off at this point.  Blogging in bed is a distraction at the moment. 

I know this probably will make no sense what-so-ever.  That is ok.

Today brought with it therapy and appointment with my chiropractor.   Therapy should be somewhat uncomfortable,  right?  It was!  As I drove home thoughts about some of the deeper things in my life that are really tough seemed to swirl in circles.  The heaviness and weight of this particular issue seemed to overtake the physical pain in my shoulder.  Dr. M had just spent 30 min doing more intensive massage work than previously. My appt ended 15 minutes early because I couldn't take it anymore.  The emotional pain and worry seemed to take over as soon as I left his office.

I know this is a bit vague.   Safe to say I'm not very comfortable at the moment discussing/blogging.   As one of the other blogs/mom/friend I follow wrote last week...'I'm making my world small'.  And this is what seems to sink into my thoughts as I swirl in circles about what the future holds on so many levels.
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Logically I know beyond shadow of a doubt that taking cymbalta was not good.  Yet, I find if damn hard to believe it tonight.
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Finding alternative ways to cope and not snap at my husband is not something I want to do at the moment.   I'm not going to think about it.  It isn't the top of my priorities.  I know my children and husband have been/are one of my main values in my life.  I know I shouldn't say some of the things I do to my dh.   But I do.  I take full responsibility for it.  I understand and get fully the reasons behind 'not' being snarky and snappy towards my husband.  In the past I have, in my opinion,  been an active participant in therapy with finding alternate methods of coping.  Today..not so much.
~~~~~~
To say I'm a defiant preschooler is probably correct.  At the same time....the internal dialogue is swirling some pretty deep shit.  And so the entire thought of 'being a defiant preschooler' is much more attractive than the alternative.
~~~~~~
Taking cymbalta was better than this!

Thankful Project Monday

This post is my attempt to keep a MONDAY tradition going.  On my 'other' blogs in the past I've participated in a "Thankful Thursday".  I like to do it on Monday!  

Here is why:
So often Monday is a suck-tastic day.  It isn't a day that any of us look forward to.  The weekend can be lovely and the beginning of the work week can be ever-so-very-hard.
So...here is my on-going attempt to remember the "little things and sometimes the BIG things in life that I am THANKFUL for".

PLEASE....POST A LINK IN THE COMMENTS or ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE (click HERE for FB link) with your Thankful Project Monday Post.

**Thankful for the sleep I was able to get on Saturday night into Sunday morning.  Sleep hasn't come very easy after my shoulder surgery in August.  And the last few days it has increasingly gotten a bit worse because I've had quite a bit of pain this week.  Sunday morning I slept in.  I was awake early.  And I still slept in.  I was able to roll over and fall back asleep...over and and over.  I vaguely heard my phone beep with a private message on FB from my mom to call her.  That was at 9am.  I rolled over and called her.  We cemented plans for my family to go visit her today. My children had a wonderful time with my mom today.  And I'm so thankful they are able to have that relationship.  My daughter-13 is holding a "sock for smiles" sock drive.  My mom has passed the word around her agency.  So my daughter was making thank you cards in the Scrapbooking/Card room (aka: my old bedroom).  My son laid on the floor w/the tablet and watched football with my dad.

**Thankful for an awesome chiropractor who knows me well.  Who has been very helpful working with me in being able to break up the adhesions in my shoulder.  The treatment for frozen shoulder is horrific.  The week has been long.  I'm thankful for the small gains that I've been able to gain in the last week.  Over the weekend my pain was much less.  Which is a direct result of not working.  Today it has kicked in a bit more as I came back to work this morning.

Gonna keep this weeks post a tad short.  Typing is hard to do.  Using my phone is even harder.

WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR THIS MORNING??

Random Ramblings

•It has been almost a week since I took cymbalta.  The intense and non stop self harm/suicidal shit stopped almost immediate ...within abt 3 days.

•The negative self-talk starter almost immediately after the self harm crap stopped.

•I have has several days...OK..who am I kidding...EVERYDAY I've had a migraine of some sort.

•The deep tissue treatments for my shoulder have made the trauma crap much harder to "stuff" deep down.   It is like the lid to an over full garbage can....unable to contain it.  When it bursts it isn't pretty.

•After a relatively nice day at my mom and dads house...the lid burst and spilled some nasty/vile contents.  I knew it was festering.   I have spent days attempting to keep it on.

And...with that I say....maybe I should have stayed on the meds!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...Meds SUCK

**DISCLAIMER:  This post is a representation of MY thoughts, opinions, and experiences.  DO NOT stop taking your medications just because...I or anyone else say they SUCK or anything else that I may/may not say about them in this post...There. I. Said. It.**

I've not really blogged much about the medication change that transpired little over a month ago.  I was hopeful on many levels.  At the end of the 2nd week, I was seeing some positive changes.  Still a tad reluctant of the positive effects...BUT very thankful there were some definite positives.  There were negatives in the realm of side effects.  That is something I'm very accustomed to at this point.  I've seen my current psychiatrist going on 13 years this next spring.  She knows me inside and out.  I've blogged before about our love/hate relationship.  I love her dearly.  I hate the effects medications have had on my body.  I've taken just about every.single.thing out there.  After my gastric bypass, my ability to tolerate medications became much less.  As in MUCH MUCH MUCH less.  And so the battle continues and as I've said over the last several years....got much worse.

THE GOOD:
Medications are prescribed by doctors to assist symptoms, to target abnormal medical findings, assist and prevent illnesses.  These symptoms range in anything from pain, insomnia, hallucinations, coughing, chest pain, cramping, and many more ailments.  The goal of medications is ultimately to relieve symptoms.  At the end of the day, the goal of medications is to get rid of ailments/symptoms and prevent something worse from happening.  In many cases the goal is both....prevent and get rid of.  At any rate, the goal is to normalize ones quality of life/living.

Medications work.  Sometimes.  In some people.  They have the ability to make bad things go away and allow people to live happier, healthier, and more productive lives.

THE BAD:
The bad thing with medications is they have side effects.  Take trazodone for an example.  It is used as antidepressant, but it makes people sleepy.  SO it is used in a sub-therapeutic (for depression) to help with insomnia.  This particular example can be a good side effect.  Most side effects, though, are bad.  They are uncomfortable the person.  They are often the reason patients stop taking their medications.  Side effects are usually uncomfortable.  Rarely are they fatal.  Usually they are reversible.  Most often these effects go away once the medication is stopped.

The interesting thing about side effects is that few of them happen to everyone that takes them.  Take the side effects of SSRI's for example, a ton of people will experience sexual side effects, not everyone will.  Tremors, sexual side effects, weight gain, and sleepiness are often common side effects of SSRI's and other medications used for psychiatric disorders.

I've struggled with nearly every single psychiatric medication that I've been prescribed since my gastric bypass in 2004.  As a patient who struggles with severe depression, a condition that is impeding my life, it is often worth taking the risk of any given side effect.  Usually, I find myself somewhat hopeful the effects may not happen.

THE UGLY:  (and it can be ugly)
Side effects are unpleasant, at best.  Many have rare and really ugly effects.  The rare and ugly effects are actually not side effects..they are considered ADVERSE REACTIONS.  They can be awful, fatal, and in rare cases irreversible.  Tardive Dyskinesia is an adverse reaction, one that takes time to develop.  One that was a listed as a VERY rare side effect of a medication I took about a year ago.  The usual response to the UGLY is to stop the medication ASAP.

Increased depression, self injury, suicidal ideation in my opinion falls under the ugly category.  This medication is prescribed to relieve these very symptoms and then it increases it.  Occasionally, these reactions/effects can lesson after a few days.  In some cases, they continue to get worse and worse.  Until there is no choice to stop the medication immediately.

THE MEDS SUCK:
I'm currently in the VERY UGLY portion of taking a new(er) medication.  The last paragraph describes what life has been in the last few weeks.  Each and every day increasingly getting worse.  The last few days have been hell.  I've been here before.  I've experienced this before.  I spoke with Jodi last night about the effects.  My pdoc is not in the office at the time.  Seeing someone else is not really an option.  And I've been this route enough times to know that I need to stop the medication immediately before I end up in the hospital.  Jodi and I discussed taking it every other day.  The suicidal ideation wasn't as horrific, was manageable, and not constant prior to reaching the full dose. I'm unable to cut the medication in half, therefore, taking it every other day was the option that seemed like the best action to take.  Giving that a try was something that I was willing to give a try.  After today, I don't believe I will be taking it again. At least not until I can see my doctor in a few weeks.

Thankfulness Project Monday

Several months ago I did a "Thankfulness Project Monday" post.  When Musings of a Counselor got a bit busy in her life and stopped doing them...I kinda forgot about it, too.  Even though I didn't write a post each week...I still looked forward to her posts and miss them.

So today I decided to take them back up. I hope and pray that I will be able to keep up with them and post every Monday.  At the end of the day, after we've been in and out of the ick over and over....we still have so very much to be thankful for.  And so with that in mind...here goes it.  No promises.  Just will say that I will give it a try.

• Naturally we all tend to think first how thankful we are for our children and family.  I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt how lucky I am to have the spirits that I do in my life. I know that my Father in Heaven hand picked not only my husband for me, but my children.  Even the one who is no longer technically MY child...he will forever be sealed for time and all eternity to me and he was chosen to be my son...even if he choose not to accept my love for him and the ability to get better.  I am eternally thankful for each my children.  For the foster child that we've had in our home.  For all that each of these children of mine have taught me.  EVEN when it is so very very hard!
• I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father. Who knows me. Who hears me. Who knows every single hair on my body.  My aches and pains.  My faith has continues to be weary and weak.  However, there are glimmers here and there.  In my darkest of moments, I know that my Heavenly Father has walked that path right beside me.  Even though, I might not admit it.  
• I am thankful for the ability to have some sort of work and income during my recovery period after my surgery.  Not all of my coworkers with similiar injuries have that option because their cases were denied by the workers compensation company.
• I am thankful for such beauty that surrounds me.  Each day as I drive to work it is apparent the seasons are changing. Ever so fast and it is a tad scary to think about being snowed in this winter.  We were blessed with a mild winter last year.  I don't believe we will be so blessed this year.  We can only hope and pray that we will be.
• I am thankful for the dear friend that I have.  Whom I can call (even though I don't) when I need it most.  To know that she loves me regardless of my flaws.  Regardless of my dreariness.  That I can ask her "What should I do about these meds...." and we can have this conversation about "the crazies" and how freaking hard it is.  I can't even talk about this with my husband on this level.  And so, for that...I'm so thankful.  She's been such a stellar of strength to me and I love her so incredible much.  (Now...dang it all if my shoulder/arm would cooperate I would drive thr 5.5 hrs and 2 states away to go see her...but I just can't make that drive right now. booooo)
• I will be forever thankful for access to medical care.  Without that access I am certain that I would not be writing this post. I would not be sitting in my living room in the wee hours of the middle of the night.  That I have a job that provides me with the best coverage I could ask for.  I'm more than willing to pay double of what I pay...in order to have the coverage I have.  It is truly a blessing that I believe so many people take for granted.

HOW ABOUT YOU?
What are you THANKFUL FOR?
Share your link in the comments OR on I Will Get Up Again and Again's Facebook Page!

Sunday Snapshot

I made it to church today.  I was up, ready, had dinner in the crockpot and ready to leave an hour before I needed to be out the door.

As I went back in my room and sat in my chair for a few moments of quiet....I was reminded of the above song -- "Did you think to pray".  An hour or so later the opening hymn was this very song.  It was Stake Conference and we had all of the Stake Leaders joining us for our meetings.

This very song was brought up on 2 different occasions in both our Bishop's talk and then a talk in Sunday School.

It was my reminder...

That I need to remember to pray.

Specially in times of trials and struggling.

Me and Me Only

This morning started dreary.  Add in the dread of attending a mutual gathering...that my SIL would be attending.   At 10am I was still laying in bed, covers up, tv on and no intention on getting up.  Until the last minute.

My mom called.  Told me I was really just adding more stress by going to the mutual gathering.  I should join her and my aunts and go to another aunts house for a P.hampered Chef party.

I mulled over it.
I talked to my dh.  Who is aware of the state of mind that I am in.  And he said.."Get Up.  GO TO YOUR AUNTS ..."and few other things.

And so I did.

I called another Aunt and my mom.  And we met for lunch.

Taking care of me.  Putting my needs first.  Not doing well still.  But...I am trying!

Meds? Who Knows.

I started new antidepressant abt a month ago.  This morning as I took it....light bulb went off.  There are several triggers and situational things right now playing roll into how I'm feeling.  But the intensity is pretty different.  Few weeks of OK....not to horrific.  And then BAM here I am.  It isn't pretty.  Never is.  However the last 24 hrs have been pretty frippen horrific.  The intensity, frequency, and impulsive self harm shit is overwhelming.  I don't blog that part for any other reason than for my own good.  Not believing it is something I have hell of a lot of control over.  

Insomnia Sux

Definately need this reminder..like all day...everyday~

I don't believe this right now.
It is more than I can even comprehend.
I've been here before.
One would think that "this" would be familiar and I would know what to expect.

This one.
Different.

Trauma sucks.giant.f*cking.donkey.balls.

Hellacious

I'm not doing well.
Terrible day today.  Actually, been several tough days.
 I don't want to go over it again.  I had a therapy appt with J* today.
 I didn't want to go.   Often, I say that. I always do.  Usually with hope and a desire to get to the end of some of the ick.  That didn't happen today.
Instead fear, depression, anxiety, and all kinds of other ick took over.   Leaving me unable to communicate with here to what depth I'm struggling.  
I wish it was different.  It wasn't.
I've been here before. Yet, it is different.
Today's therapy appt was more draining than any I've had in a very long time.  The aftermath has been numbing. Hell it was numbing while I was there. Shutting down completely.  Moving closer to the edge.  Came home and just wanted to rest.  Laid my head down and as I sunk into my bed, hearing my dh's words, I tuned the rest of the house out.  I wasn't sleeping. I could hear the TV and my dh folding laundry.  He knew things weren't okay. My body heavy. Shoulder, feet, back and head trapped inside with a prickly metal wire feeling.  It is the longest and most intense dissociating experience that has occurred in as long as I can remember.

I was reminded of this little saying "Sometimes it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe" as I got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I crawled in the shower and sat there till the water ran cold. And sat there longer with cold water running over my face.  Wake up. Snap out of this.

About this time of my children came in the bedroom/bathroom complaining that he/she needed to shower and there was no hot water.  And so I get out and sit in the recliner.  Still numb. Still trying to process what it is that seems to have grabbed a hold of me by the horns and yanked me down under.

And so it continues.

~The World behind the Door~ *Explaination*

The previous post *The World behind the Door* has sat in my drafts for several weeks.  No real reason why I have decided to publish it tonight.  The last week has been filled with one trigger after another.  Opening that door is overwhelming.  Today during a massage appt with H*, in which that door was cracked open several times w/in a 90 minute period of time, I found myself thinking about this post.  As much as she attempted to shut the door it continued to creep back open.

~The World behind the Door~

The world is hidden behind the face you see.  There is a world that has been hidden for such a long time that no one knew it was there, not even the person herself.  She had no clue all that was hidden inside.  She waited until she thought she was emotionally, physically, and mentally stable to allow the door to be opened.  She was not sure she wanted to konw or to open the door.

Fear took over and she didn't believe that everything inside would ever be contained again once the door was opened.  Feared she would be left broken, useless, and fear driven more than she already was.  As long as that door stayed shut she could cope...or...at the very least attempt.  Behind that door if it stayed shut...she could continue to not feel.  Keeping those feelings locked behind that big door...leaving the spectrum of anthing that was possible for a person to feel...she was afraid.

Would the door ever shut again if it was broke up or even cracked open a little bit?  Would she be able to cope with what was inside?  Did she even realize how much pain was really behind that door.  The door is heavy.  She knows how incredible unsafe a heavy door can be.  It is all unknown.  

Random Ramblings

~We write so we don't feel so alone.~

It sums up in a few words why I blog.  Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do.  Ultimately it is because I feel so d*amn alone so much of the time.

Tonights post is jumbled up mess.  As I am at the present moment.  The day was filled with tons of ups and downs.  When I left work I felt the world come crushing down on me.  In a rather crushing way!!

I can't even write about it in depth.  Physical therapy was tough...really tough.  Two words you don't want to hear ever...specially AFTER you have shoulder surgery is adhesive capulitis aka: frozen shoulder.  And given the degree of severity....don't wanna hear that either.  And more daggers in the heart (OR head) when it comes to our older son.

I've had to remind myself this evening several times WHY it is that I don't drink.  I'm certain if I did.....I would never get back up. Ever.  And right about now.....that sounds pretty damn good.

Confessions of a Thumbsucker

What are your confessions....

This is one of mine.  

Not something that I walk around announcing to the world on a daily basis.  It never occured to me when I had my surgery I would be unable to suck my thumb.  It took me a few weeks to pinpoint what it was that would be bothersome as I fell asleep at night.  The drugs numbed the emotional pain and attempted to take away the physical pain.

  Once I stopped taking v.icodin on a regular basis, for the first time since my surgery (about 6 weeks), some of the deeper emotional bs started to creep slowly back in the need/desire to self soothe has become more of an issue.  

No Real Words....Only Tears

I really have nothing to add to this picture right now.

Another knife in my gut as I walk the path of "when a friendship fails".
I've walked some really ugly paths over the last 18 yrs.  There were moments/days in my life where this particular friend was the person who is the reason I'm sitting here typing this.  The reason why I didn't create a plan of ending my life.

I've sat along side her hospital bed, as she lay in a coma, feeding her newborn....pleading for her life at the same time.
The disruption of our adoption/loss of our son...was painful enough.  The mere loss of the friendship that I once had w/my sister-in-law because of our choice to disrupt was tough.  To have the failing of this particular friendship....BECAUSE my sister-in-law has gotten in the middle....well it is just as gut wrenching as our disruption.

Music Therapy ...

...I'm in need of some tender therapy this Friday afternoon.

So by my side is....

Colbie Cailiat, Pink, Madeleine, and Corinne Bailey Rae...

Just to name a few.  Whatever it takes to get to the end of the day.

I wont give up.....Nope!

Watch "Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up - Cover by Tyler Ward - Music Video" on YouTube

Reminder

The photo below is a reminder...that indeed "I..We" are not alone.

As the days have gotten better over the last few weeks..I find myself in place that is not very 'familiar'.  It has been a really long/dark streak.

Today is one of those days.  One that I really could have used a solid therapy appt.  As I type type/reread the last sentence ...I think 'mercy you don't need therapy.   You know the drill."  And yet at the same time ...weeding threw the ick is to much.

This is what I know ...
It has been a while since I have had a massage that had me triggered and unsettled internally when I left.  Several months ago, I am not certain I could have honestly made this connection. 

For the first time in several weeks....I have had a raging headache.   Safe to say borderline migraine. 

And it started towards the end of my.massage yesterday.   I knew the headache was coming on, knew I was getting agitated,  and knew that I was about to crawl out of my skin as she continued.   However, wasn't able to make the connection until later last night.

Fighting like crazy to not cave into the 'usual ' traps. I've failed miserable this evening. 

It is what it is. B

Standing Still..

There are moments in life when standing still is okay.  There is no wrong or right. This is where I find myself right now.

Going through the motions of daily life.  Sleep still haunts me.  I spent more time awake at night than I ever do.  Pain slowly getting better.  Rang of motion not so much.  It is slow and tedious work...this recovery process.

Suicidal thoughts have backed off for the most part.  Depression still seeps into the cracks where it can.

Anxiety is sky high.  Hoping this will even out soon.

I Am..Who ARE you?

**-Please see previous posts on the others who did this challenge.  I'm doing it on my phone.  And copying the links are tough using my phone.

I actually wrote it a few days ago...in the midst of a meltdown from anxiety and PTSD.

The goal here if you would like to follow and do this challenge is....

For FIVE MINUTES type "I Am ___" statements.   Do not edit.  Do not go back and change your post.  Leave it as is. 

Here is what I wrote over the weekend....it has taken me a few days to post it.

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I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.   Who loves me beyond my comprehension.

I am married to my best friend. Who beyond a shadow of a doubt would go to the end of the earth for me.

I am blessed beyond compare to have the group of Trauma Moms in my life that I do.  Because of blogging, our intention on adopting again....this community of mothers came into my life.

I am beyond blessed that with this group of mommas my BFF emerged.  I am thankful I decided to give the 2nd year a try and go back to Orlando.  That GB's Mom made certain I take my experiences.from the 1st year and grow/learn from them.   In doing so it opened up am entire new perspective for me.

I am more than just a mom...I am blessed to have these 2 special spirits know my life.  Who on the dark days give me reason to GET UP AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I am more than what depression tells me I am.
I am more than the lies it speaks to me.
I am going to/am kicking the living shit out of its a$$.

I am worthy of my children and husbands love. 
I am more than what the lies I tell myself.

I AM..

Weekly Wrap Up..

In a nutshell the picture below sums up how the week has went.

Working on it....

In the last 24 hours I've read 3 separate blog posts titled "Who Am I...Who ARE You...I AM...." type of blog posts.

I'm not doing so well with 'following' in these 3 bloggers footsteps. To be honest, when I read the first blog post yesterday...I didn't really read it.  Instead, I glanced over it. And then this afternoon....there it was.  Two more bloggers wrote the same blog post.  And it brought me to my knees. Well, not really because I was sitting in my car...60 minutes early to a therapy appointment with J*.

And so...I sat there.

Alone.  Trying to make sense of what I had read. Trying to open up the space mentally for myself to think about doing this very thing.  And thinking how therapeutic it would be. I sat there and was able to think about all the 'reasons I SHOULD write this blog post'.  

And so...I tried. I turned on 'blogger' on my phone.

Five minutes past.
Nothing. Nodadayum thing. Nothing.

My brain/thought process went into shut down mode.

It stayed there.

It has continued to stay there.

At some point, I might be attempt to do this.  Not now. And probably not tmw.

Until then head on over to these 3 blogs and read their "Who AM I...." posts.  Tell them I sent you.  Or don't tell them at all. I could really care less.  But read their posts.

My Daily Jenn-ism:  Who Are You?
Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here:  I AM______??
The Plucky Procrastinator:  I Am___? Who Are You?

And then...

....when you write "Who YOU Are..." Let me know.

Fear and Anger

Staring at a blank screen.  Whirlwind of thoughts swirl in out of my mind.  I tell myself.."Just go back to sleep.  It is only 1:45am."

Put the phone down and close my eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.  It doesn't last but a few seconds. Fear and panic have set in.   I tell myself..."-- you are safe. -- is no longer alive.  He can't hurt you."

The whirlwind continues to rage on.  Curled up in fetal position,  clutching the pillow that has been supporting my arm in bed for 8 weeks now.  It now serves as some sort of comfort.  Using every little bit of energy I have fighting off the tears and barrage of negative thoughts. Why can't I just go back to sleep?

In this moment I am that 5 yr old little girl again.  Replaying one of the last memories I have of being with --.  I tell myself "--, you are not 5.  You are thirty something ..." 

Emotions switch from fear and panic to anger. 

The battle rages on within my head.  And everytime I close my eyes...the same scenario is right there.

I hate him. 

I'm angry.