Monday, September 5, 2011

Random Thoughts

One of the hardest things for me to accept and deal with over the last several years is the random - out of nowhere - suicidal thoughts that seam to pop into my thinking at any given moment.

This afternoon I was brought to tears and a near anxiety attack as I drov over this bridge.

This picture doesn't do the bridge true justice.  It wasn't part of my driving path on the way to visit my Sweet Soul Sister.  Somehow, my GPS decided to take me a different route - one that went via Gary, Indiana and then right smack into down town Chi-town!

As I drove over the bridge my thoughts went from listening to Pink's F*cking thinking "whoa...good thing I don't live near any bridges like this".

 And few other things that I will choose not to share at this time. I was more than visable upset.  My daughter, snoozing off-on in the front seat asked me what was wrong.  I portrayed it as nothing bad sweetheart, I'm just tired of driving and the GPS is taking us a different route...which scares me bc I don't know my way around.  She accepted my answer and closed her eyes.

I snapped back into reality and then became angry.  Very angry.  Angry at myself for allowing these things to creep into my day/weekend.  Angry that I had such a wonderful time w/my sweet soul sister and was able to just and for the last 2 days was rather anxiety free (there were moments...but nothing that was not w/in my control).

I'm sure it probably sounds crazy....but every.single.time thoughts like what happened to me on my way home today....take me by surprise.  And when I'm in a much better angers me.  When I'm not in a very good space -- it is no real surprise and I basically don't give a sh*t.   

The next time I take a road trip, such as I did this weekend.....I will be sure that my route to return home will be the same route that I took in the same place!  I don't like surprises.  No....I DO NOT!!  And that bridge...took me by surprise.  I seriously, did not expect myself to have the reaction that I did.

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