Sunday, September 16, 2012


I have been thinking about this subject and how it relates to it defines who I it fuels me to keep going.

On Thursday,  J* challenged me to explore this subject on a deeper level.  

Along the way, I have lost the core values of who I am.  What drives me to turn the light on every morning and get out of bed.

Today, I didn't do so well at exploring what drives me.  In fact,  I didn't get out of bed.  Considering my bed is my could probably say I got out of bed.  However,  most of my day was spent behind closed doors.  No self care.  No nothing to be honest.

I published previously wrote blog post...tht was.wrote over last few days.  I worked on a job application that took several hours. Attempted to write a resume.   And that was the extent of day.  The tv was on.  However, background noise was the only purpose.  

As I attempted to think about the core values...found deep down in my heart.  There was one thing that came to mind over and over.  Broken and tattered.

Putting any sort of meaning to these values...was even harder.  And depressing. Because each one feels so broken, tattered,  shattered and lost.

My faith and spirituality ....was lost along the way during our disruption.   My husband and children continue on without me.  I want and desire to find that spark again.  Yet the harder I attempt to nurture this piece of me that shattered along the way...Satan continues to fight hard get when I'm down.

My marriage...just like the faith/spirituality piece ...I'm lost in a cycle of not believing I deserve what my husband has to offer.  I love him dearly. And I know he loves me.  Yet, the tattered part of me keeps telling myself otherwise.   We are few months shy of celebrating 19 yrs of marriage.

My Children...without them I would not still be here.  When we disrupted our adoption of C....this piece of me fell apart.  I lost much of what I believed to be true.  A piece of me died at that time.  

I struggle everyday believing that my children deserve a better mother, my husband deserves a better wife.  And without me in the picture he could make that happen.  

My the above ...this area a bit broken and tattered right now.  For reasons that only a few know...hell just typing this paragraph has tears.  As with any loss...their is a grief process.  And right now I' denial.  I have a handful of.beautiful.and.wonderful friends.   However, none of them live close.  The closest is 6 hrs away.  Locally none of them I'm able call and know they will be at my door in a short time.  I've gradually pulled back from my BFF of the last 18+ yrs.  Tonight, this portion of my values is pretty damn raw.

There are a few other values that are.important to me.  However, I don't go into them right now.

More on this subject later...

PS: sorry for the (.) In my posts.  I'm laying in I have all day. Blogging from my phone

1 comment:

Diana said...

Cheering you on, my friend. You are not invisible. Keep hanging on.