In the depths of a deep depression the thought of forever seems as though it is unattainable.
There were many blog and facebook posts on Monday about "World Suicide Prevention Day". I don't believe I need to post the stats. Or maybe I should. As a reminder.
More people die in the US from suicide than the death rate from War and Murder combined. Stop and think about that....Take 5...and think about that statistic. It is huge. If you take 5 min. of your time right now and learn the warning signs....you can make a difference. Knowing the warning signs is so very important. Even though I hate to admit it...I had a friend who knew the warning signs. Be that friend. Check out this link. You never know whose mother, father, sister, daughter...friend you might be able to help.
I don't wish this illness on anyone. Not my worst enemy. Ever. Monday proved to be a day from hell. I got myself up and to work. And that was about the extent of my day. I came home from work and retreated to my bed. Where I stayed for several hours. It was pretty folks.
I know most of the battle that I'm fighting at the moment has everything to do with the fact that I'm unable to work in my regular job capacity. The surgery and pain issues following haven't helped. The financial burden is huge. And I am feeling like I'm slowly drowning. The longer I"m off work. The larger the financial burden is.
Add into the mixture surgery related things such as...not taking the narcotic pain medication during the day so I can drive to/from work. By not taking the prescription, my pain is increased even more than it is with medication. And my coping abilities are less and less.
Guilt over not being a very good friend to my 3 closest friends and not being a very good wife/mother. All 3 have different things going on in there lives and I've not been able to be supportive in the manner that I should because I've been to wrapped up in my own shit. I know a 2 of you read my blog...and...PLEASE know that I love you, think of you everyday day um day, and wish somehow we could be closer so I could show you how much I truly love and adore both of you.
The list continues to get longer. And I continue to fall deeper and deeper into a hole that seems to be a familiar one.
No advice. No profound blog posts from other bloggers (that was my intent to share a few different posts from others that I have found helpful). No nothing. Other than random ramblings. It is way past my bed time. Yet...I'm wide freaking awake. Unable to sleep. Again. If banging my head on the wall was an option I might have done it.