Monday, September 24, 2012

~Random Crap~

After several days of taking only tylonel...last night there was no other choice but to take something stronger.  To say I have beat myself up 100x`s over today for caving in... would be an understatement. 

This evening has been no better. I saw my chiropractor today.  Who was rather concerned at the amount of swelling.  It sucks that my chiropractor and surgeon are unable to communicate.   (My work comp companybis notorious for denying claims the moment a chiropractor is brought into the picture.)  He instructed me to contact my surgeon if the swelling in my bicep and shoulder/neck got worse or.didn't go down significantly.

Discouraging and depressing over and over.  I'm sick of feeling like I've not made progress.   Feeling as though I'm failing. 

I came home this afternoon wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out.  Ever.

It has taken every ounce of my ability to not give in. Throw in the towel and say the hell with it.

Not just in the healing from this damn surgery but life in general.   That is where I'm at.  There is no hiding it. 
Harder I try to find some sort of common ground, the further down I go.

Plagued with guilt and much deeper as I listened to my kids each talk to me tonight ....there voices were like the voice on Charlie Brown.  And all I wanted was to hear them...yet I couldn't pull myself together to do so. I'm.sure they see it.  How could they not?

I know this is depression speaking.  I know depression lies.  And tonight it is telling me all sorts of lies.  Ones that I believe.  Things I can't even begin to say or type.  Knowing and believing are so very different from each other. 

I want to sleep.  Maybe it would clear the constant racing thoughts.  Or not. One could hope, right?


1 comment:

The Plucky Procrastinator said...

You are stronger than you know and more brave than you believe. I have faith in you that you can persevere through these trials in your life. Depression sucks :\ I'm sorry you have to fight this fight.