Thursday, April 26, 2012

Survival and the Internal Dialogue

This is the mode I'm in.

Not all bad.
Not all good.
In between. 
Some moments better than others.  And others not so much.

Interesting, yet not surprising conversation today with J*, my therapist.   I left her office a tad 'lighter' and optimistic.   Trying to think of different scenarios that could've been beneficial.  

It lasted all of 30 minutes.   Meltdown mode has continued.  Attempted to discuss C* issues and another topic with dh.  Insert another internal meltdown.  Which has ended with me deciding to hide out in my room watching dvr tv.  As I mentioned to J this morning, my internal dialogue in response to what/how my husband says and reacts....confirms what I already believe.  It is my fault.  I KNOW REALISTICALLY HE HAS NOT NOR DOES HE BELIEVE this to new true in the realm of childhood trauma.  He also has no clue what happened.only snippits.  (well I do believe he holds me at fault and responsible for our disruption).  Yet, his actions speak otherwise.   Attempting to use the "I" statement when you say "xyz..." I think and believe "xzy" to be true.  The scenario doesn't end up well.  I end up being more convinced of the belief system that I already have in place.

So...tonight my safe spot is in my room.  Don't call me or knock on my door.  I may spew shit that isn't very nice and may scare you.

I may watch more youtube videos on Tapping/EFT.  I may just lay here with a bowl of icecream, diet cherry pepsi and red hots....Lil bit of crack in the form of sugar. And watch trashu tv.

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