This is the mode I'm in.
Not all bad.
Not all good.
Some moments better than others. And others not so much.
Interesting, yet not surprising conversation today with J*, my therapist. I left her office a tad 'lighter' and optimistic. Trying to think of different scenarios that could've been beneficial.
It lasted all of 30 minutes. Meltdown mode has continued. Attempted to discuss C* issues and another topic with dh. Insert another internal meltdown. Which has ended with me deciding to hide out in my room watching dvr tv. As I mentioned to J this morning, my internal dialogue in response to what/how my husband says and reacts....confirms what I already believe. It is my fault. I KNOW REALISTICALLY HE HAS NOT NOR DOES HE BELIEVE this to new true in the realm of childhood trauma. He also has no clue what happened.only snippits. (well I do believe he holds me at fault and responsible for our disruption). Yet, his actions speak otherwise. Attempting to use the "I" statement when you say "xyz..." I think and believe "xzy" to be true. The scenario doesn't end up well. I end up being more convinced of the belief system that I already have in place.
So...tonight my safe spot is in my room. Don't call me or knock on my door. I may spew shit that isn't very nice and may scare you.
I may watch more youtube videos on Tapping/EFT. I may just lay here with a bowl of icecream, diet cherry pepsi and red hots....Lil bit of crack in the form of sugar. And watch trashu tv.