This post has been a work in progress for the last week. I've deleted it each time I've sat down to write. I've had a really hard time gathering my thoughts and moving my fingers in order to get it out on here. Here it is.
I've mentioned on my I Will Get Up Again FB page that I have seen my massage therapist at the college she is attending to further her education. These appointments were for Intuitive Support. When I decided to make an appointment and give this a try, I did it thinking it would be a good mix with what I'm already doing between seeing H* for massages and J* for regular therapy.
Changing those core beliefs is something that isn't easy. I know that. I've been in therapy long enough, been to enough mindfulness and DBT sessions to know that in order for change to even begin to happen....I need to begin by believing in myself. I know this. Quite honestly...I believe every single person KNOWS this. Do we really BELIEVE it? That is the question.
The last several weeks have been fueled by deep depression and sucidal ideation. To the point where I've questioned how much longer I could keep myself safe. Struggling with self harm to an entirely new level.
Last night I mentioned to H* (massage therapist) I have been hearing that "Charlie Brown's teacher...the 'whaaa whaaa whaaa voice' over and over. We discussed that some of what she told me on Monday sounded the same way, some of what Jodi and I discussed on Monday was the same thing. And then last night it was there again." She paused for a few moments and thought about it. Responded with "**, what you are hearing that 'whaa whaa whaa voice' is not me. It is not Jodi. It is your own voice telling yourself...wha wha wha!!" Initially, I didn't agree with her. Then, this morning as I laid in bed doing not a DARN thing but ENJOYING the peacefulness of being home alone....I began to think more in depth about my appts with Jodi and H* this week. Slowly, the light flickered on a bit brighter. "You need to believe in yourself in order for change to begin to happen. The Charlie Brown voice....it is you...the sound of YOUR own voice."
Much of what is underneath all of the tough stuff...comes down to some of the tougher core beliefs that I have about myself. The belief that I can't change. That this is as good as it gets. Regardless of what positive shifts and attempts I make in my life, marriage, parenting and so forth....holy shit this is hard....I've been stuck on THIS part for over an hour. Being able to type it out...to SEE it...it's painful. Damn is it ever painful. Here it is:
There.I.said.it. It was probably one of the hardest things for me to type, read, erase, and re-write and leave....
It is the first step to moving past the core beliefs that are incredibly strong.
Tomorrow afternoon I will interview for a job transfer. This position was open to the public. I'm not certain exactly how many applications and how many of those applicants took the accounting test. I have been told that the average 'open to the public' application amount has been 250-300 per position. Usually 100-150 are offered the ability to take the test required to obtain an interview. Based on the test score there were approx 10-15 people offered interviews. I am struggling with keeping this interview. Trying to find reasons why this position would not be best for me.
I keep hearing the words that have stung for so long. Cementing the core belief that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that no matter what I do...it won't be enough.
The last few weeks I've had several different occasions that have cemented the belief that I will not be good enough. The voices have been loud and very clear. Regardless of what I do...it will never be good enough.
Yet, I have continued to fight the tough stuff. I applied for the position. I took the test and did not leave...EVEN though it took every ounce of my energy to not get up and leave. And I will, against all the internal conflict, go to the interview tomorrow.
This is just some of the tough stuff rocking the boat! The marriage piece adds an entirely new level. The medication issue adds another level. The boat tips further and further to one side and eventually it gives in. I've been at that spot more than once. I'm trying hard to keep from going there again.