Monday, May 13, 2013
Journey to TMS - Part 2
Part 1: Journey to Transcranial Magnetic Therapy
It had been about 2 months since I heard from the TMS Clinic. As I wrote previously (and below), it came at a very low point.
In a nutshell, the clinic manager called and let me know that they were still working with my insurance company. And because of the complexity of the insurance issues, they were willing to take a risk and start treatment.
An answer to a prayer.
I wrote the following excerpts in a google document about a week ago the day before I went for the first appointment/treatment (that treatment didn't happen...more on that later)
*Initially when I got the call from the TMS Center...I was very hopeful. I immediately text/called two of my closest friends. Speaking with one of them on the phone while she was working. Fear, self sabotage, and all that other crap didn't have a chance to sink in at that point.
The call came on a day when I was unable to get out of bed. At a point where not much more fight was left.
That call was nearly a month ago. I've had plenty of time to back out. I've had plenty of time not to follow thru and just plain build my anxiety up so damn high I can't stand myself. Night terrors have filled nearly every single night of the last 3-4 weeks. Much in relationship to TMS therapy.
And my anxiety is extremely high. LOTS AND LOTS of anxiety!
There is no turning back. I can't keep going like this. I know something has to change.
So I will go.
And make the best of it.
And pray for the best.
In less than 24 hours, I will go for the initial treatment. I'm not sure that I can do this. I don't want to go alone. I will. I have to. My children deserve to have their mother back. If anything else. They deserve to have a mom. And I deserve to be their mom w/everything that I've got.