It's Scary...It's Wrong...I'm so Freeking Not Alone

Speechless....I can't even begin to tell you where my day has been.  The whirlwind of emotions.
The nearly 90 minute massage where I laid there fighting back tears.
Holding ice in my hands (as discussed in this video) in an attempt to not harm myself...bc that is just where I was at...at that moment. 

And then listening to this video............and post "Depression Lies"  by The Bloggess



.................it is a reminder that I am not alone.  YOU are not ALONE damnit!

F*ck this shit is scary.  And it is wrong.  So f*cking wrong.  As I stood at the fridge today w/my head resting on the freezer door.  My children outside playing.  My husband off in his own world doing heaven only knows what.  I stood there...and I had enough.  FB message came thru on my phone from my BFF:  'Tell me you are okay.  I'm terribly worried'.  At that moment.  At that very moment I was not okay.  I was never so close to harming myself than I've been in a long time.  There was no rational thinking on my part.  Depression had taken over.  The events of marital stress has/had taken its toll. Returning to work in a different department and being "on" as someone described to me today - taking it's toll.  Effexior kicking my mother effing ass as it has every damn day for the last month plus that I've been on it....and I was done.  DONE.  And there was only one way out. 

One of my children walked in the door.  My reminder of why I GET UP every day was right there in front of me.  He took off back out the door after he got the No-Bake Coconut/PB cookie he wanted that we had made last night.

And once again I rest my head on the freezer door.  One million thoughts racing.  Back and forth.  "Use the tools...what tools do you have....fuck the tools....pick up that phone that you just turned off and turn it back on....fuck the phone I'm not calling anyone..." over and over this mantra played out.  I reached in the freezer to get some ice for the pitcher of ice tea I had made.  I dropped the ice bucket on the floor.  As I bent over to pick up the bucket of ice I recalled something that one of the psychologists in the dbt group I attended said.  "Hold onto ICE....in both fists....You will NOT be able to keep the very same concentration of harming yourself.  It will give you the same release that cutting, banging your head, or whatever self harm behaviors you do..."

And she was right.

Surgery pending ....

MRI results will give my surgeon an idea of what exactly needs to be done...or not done...or extent of what needs to be done.

I have met the requirements to have surgery...in that he would recommend 2 months of solid near daily PT.  I've done a total of 10-12 weeks of PT in the last 18 months.  Meaning there is little to no chance of PT helping at this.point.  the only good is for maintaining movement and prevention of.frozen shoulder syndrome.  I'm 1/2 way to that point of having a frozen shoulder already.

I have discovered the hard way effexor is helping in a very small way.  However, bringing with it an entirely different set of issues.  And even though I'm back know the rx'd dose daily...and even though I have noticed s change somewhat ...it has only taken the edge off in a small way.  Adding with it a.more agitated mindset.   Today, being the worst of the worst.

My dh is not doing well...physically or emotionally.   I have no clue what to say or do.  Unfortunately for him, he has to figure out the hard way.  He recently made a purchase that I was 100% against.   He did so with out my approval anyway.  I do not have any empathy. Yet, it effects me in a large way.  Getting mad and saying what I truly think and feel will not help.  Which leaves me trapped and even more agitated and angry.

I'm falling asleep writing thisn. Headed to bed fairly early.  Since it isn't even 5pm, I'm certain I will be up most of the night...as usual.

Survival and the Internal Dialogue

This is the mode I'm in.

Not all bad.
Not all good.
In between. 
Some moments better than others.  And others not so much.

Interesting, yet not surprising conversation today with J*, my therapist.   I left her office a tad 'lighter' and optimistic.   Trying to think of different scenarios that could've been beneficial.  

It lasted all of 30 minutes.   Meltdown mode has continued.  Attempted to discuss C* issues and another topic with dh.  Insert another internal meltdown.  Which has ended with me deciding to hide out in my room watching dvr tv.  As I mentioned to J this morning, my internal dialogue in response to what/how my husband says and reacts....confirms what I already believe.  It is my fault.  I KNOW REALISTICALLY HE HAS NOT NOR DOES HE BELIEVE this to new true in the realm of childhood trauma.  He also has no clue what happened.only snippits.  (well I do believe he holds me at fault and responsible for our disruption).  Yet, his actions speak otherwise.   Attempting to use the "I" statement when you say "xyz..." I think and believe "xzy" to be true.  The scenario doesn't end up well.  I end up being more convinced of the belief system that I already have in place.

So...tonight my safe spot is in my room.  Don't call me or knock on my door.  I may spew shit that isn't very nice and may scare you.

I may watch more youtube videos on Tapping/EFT.  I may just lay here with a bowl of icecream, diet cherry pepsi and red hots....Lil bit of crack in the form of sugar. And watch trashu tv.

Self Esteem

Struggling with this very issue...at great lengths. 

Today moreso than other days.

Never ENDING days

Today would be one of those days that never seems to end.    It started early with physical therapy, massage (that seemed to stir up some stuff) and chiropractor approve.  All before 11am.  By the time I got to my light duty assignment / work I was physicallyamd emotionally drained.  It is barely 5pm and if I could go to bed for the night I would.

Add in a healthy dose of mom/parenting guilt and I'm a hot mess!  I don't spank or smack my kids.  However, I've come close in the less than hr that I've been home...add on more guilt.

I'm a mess and if isn't even 6pm!

Blessed Beyond Measure

My dh and I took a short little road trip this weekend to Chicago.  We were beyond blessed to visit with GB's Mom and meet GB's Moms dh.  GB's Mom was my house mom in Fl last month at the ETAAM retreat I attended.

I feel so blessed to have had 2 weekends in a row to fill up my heart and soul with the love and friendship of these 2 ladies.

Last weekend going by myself to spend the weekend with my Bff S* and her family.  And then spending the afternoon/evening and morning with GBs mom. 
Both of these ladies are dear to my heart. 

Blessed to have these ladies on my life.  Blessed to have them meet my family/dh and have his support.

Today

Has sucked giant donkey balls.
I updated my other blog - aka : disruption blog.
Analogy used there is: the scabs formed over the healing process sometimes break open.  Sometimes larger than others.  Today those reminders are everywhere.

It's late

And I can't turn my brain off.  It is actually early..in the realm of insomni...but I know what will lay ahead of me the next several hours. 

The last several nights have been sleepless and it is beginning to take its toll.

My blood pressure is back to normal.  I'm also back down to 37.5 mg of effexior.  The higher dose seems to be the culprit. 

My pdoc wanted a lab level of this med.  My pcp informed me today it isn't something tht my clinic lab will do.  Ugh.  Oh well.  It is out of my control.

It looks like my DH and I will head to the Windy City to see a trauma momma or two...and her dh.  I am hoping we can find someone to stay with the kids over night.

Note to Self

Light duty is easy work.  SURE!  Still means that the morons reside everywhere.  You can not tell others who work in this department regardless if they are a moron or not that they are indeed a moron.

~~~~

In a rough spot today.  No particular reason.  Just am.  Patience is zilch.  Horrible nightmares last night.   So much so that I got out of bed on several occasions to make sure my children were still in their bed . 

I'm wearing jeans today that haven't fit in over a year.  That is abt the only positive so far today.

Ray of Hope

I'm recovering from some much needed soul searching (insert 12 hours round trip in the car by myself), fill my heart and soul with tons of love and friendship...at its finest ... weekend with my bestie! 

There is so much I want to write about.  So much that is just plain to close to my heart.   There was nothing pressing.   Just plain being PRESENT! 

On Saturday when I was struggling to not crawl out of my skin....she got it. We get each other.  On so many levels.

Before we knew it the time was 3am...Saturday night / Sunday morning. 

She cooked healthy vegan meals for me that I loved.  Inspired me to move forward and "Eat to Live".  I know realistically o am unable to do it 100%.  However, there will bee changes atleast...for me.
Tonight while at H.yvee my kids got a little excited as we looked at different foods. I will be making a list for my dh to get at the grocery store.  If anything...just for me.

It was the ray of hope I needed.  I've had a bit of withdrawal today.

My life has been forever changed ..for that I am thankful!

At 3am...

Standing in the kitchen ...talking to one of the dearest people in your life...wondering to yourself ..."how the heck did it take 36 yrs for this kindred spirit to walk into your life."   Wondering as you lay your head down on your pillow to catch a few hours of sleep...."why do you have to live 5 1/2 hours one way from her?" 

No right or wrong answer.  Just savoring every ounce I can get with my dear friend before heading back home in a few hours.

The Courage to Heal

Today I opened the book:  "The Courage to Heal:  A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.     !!!!holy hannah intense is an understatement!!!!

I am not naive.  I knew it would be intense.  I knew there would be parts that were tough.  I barely got to the end of the Preface without an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear.  The effects that sexual abuse has had on me in my life....clearly screaming loud and clear.  I have put the book down and walked away on several occasions in the last several hours.  Unable to read any further.  Paralyzed with fear.  It isn't the fear of feeling unsafe, being abused, or feeling vulnerable.  The fear of speaking...breaking the silence...breaking the power that it has had over me.

Over the last several years I've remained in a world of denial, so to speak.  For nearly 35 years I've maintained silence.  If I don't speak about it.  It didn't happen, right?  Not so much.  I've protected myself.  I've been able to only let bits and pieces of this and that out in the open as I felt safe to do so.  I've been unable to figure out how or why there is such power in not speaking about the details.

The writing exercise at the end of the first chapter is geared towards the way it has affected me and still does.  What kinds of things do I still carry in the terms of my feelings of self worth, my relationships, sexuality, work, ect ect.  It also suggests writing about strengths I've developed because of the abuse. And a few other positives in my life.

As part of the writing method it suggests sharing what you write relatively soon after writing it with a friend, loved one, therapist, someone...ect ect.  I've wrote very openly here on this blog.  However, I'm not sure I'm able (or wanting) to expose myself in this manner here on this blog.  I'm struggling with what sort of balance.  Obviously, sharing these writings with my therapist would be helpful.  And I'm sure at some point will.  I also know that J* reads this blog from time to time.  It is helpful for both of us.  She is able to see me in a different view point...often uncensored, so to speak.    I wish this blog was on word press.  Being able to "password protect" certain posts is VERY VERY attractive to me. 

I could make this blog private.  However, I'm not sure that want to deal with that aspect.  I blog for ME and ME only.  However, as I've said before...if along the way someone...somewhere finds strength in what I've wrote, is able to know that they are not alone....then damn it was worth exposing myself.  I know how much comfort I've received from reading other posts of fellow bloggers.  Some whom I know very intimately.  Many whom all I know is their screen name or blogger name.  Whatever it might be...it has been a life line that I am so thankful that I've had.

I've rambled....I know (you read here often you know that happens...OFTEN).

I will end with something that touched my heart today. Made me smile.  Made me think of my sweet ETAAM Soul Sisters....the intimate group of "tiara wearing mamma's" and how much I miss each of them!! 

Melding our worlds!

Top of the World  (click link to read)
Love this blog post.  Simple.  Very simple.  Explains so much yet in such an eloquent and simple way.
Unless you have lived a day ....a week...a month in this life you have no clue.
It isn't always just a choice.  It isn't always just a medication.  It isn't always just as easy as it often seems from the outside looking in.  Choosing to live vs give up....it SHOULD be an easy choice.  It isn't.  And fuck if you have NEVER had that struggle than you have no idea how damn lonely...isolating it is.

Melding our worlds sounds awesome to me.

Silence the Mind

Silence the Mind....holy buckets is this ever true!!  My sgtruggles today are just that....the mind.  The constant chatter.  The constant negative whirlwind of activity. 

I could somewhat feel this coming on.  I hoped and prayed that this time would be different.  Oh my head did I ever.  Actually, I think I have wrote this before.  I know I've told J* this before. 

Last night as I sat in my dark living room; no tv, radio, noise of any kind.  No computer.  Nothing.  Just sitting in my husbands recliner....in complete silence and dark.  Trying hard to silence the whirlwind of thoughts. 

Earlier in evening before my night went from crap to shit in .02 seconds, I limit (more than I already have been) the blogs that I read.  I've had 2 separate blog posts today that just increased my 'you suck(ed) mindset'.  I try very hard to read w/an open mind, heart, and take little to no offense.  After reading the 2nd post...I have decided to scale way back for a few days.  Somehow, I need to find some balance and not add insult to injury.

Reved Up

My internal system is on fast forward.  It is spinning at 100 mph with no end in sight.

I saw H* again yesterday.  Making it very clear "I did not want to go back down the road we were on Thursday.   She agreed."  Energy and some deep tissue work was our goal.  It was what I needed and felt right.  I left balanced,  very regulated and in a really good place.  Which is where I've been for the most part the last few weeks.  Few exceptions here and there.   But generally pretty ok.

And then.....

I took the effexior about 2 hours before my appt with my psychiatrist.   It was late(r) in the morning.  Lord have Mercy!!!

By the time I got to her office I was in a spot that wasn't good.  It REALLY reved my system up.  And just under 24 hours later...it is still that way.

I'm uncertain if it is anxiety, blood pressure or what it is.  Damn if I've not slept.  I fanfare concentrate to save my soul.  Thoughts spinning 100 mph.

I just told my husband.."I want off the crazy train.  I can't keep this up."  He just looked at me with no response.

I'm tired and weary.  The last 3-4 weeks it has taken every ounce of my energy to stay above aster.  I can't even imagine where I would be emotionally if I was working.  The financial stress is high.  But I'm able to logically look at it from a perspective and hopeful that my shoulders will get better!

I've have had a few comments and have not posted them for privacy reasons.  I do appreciate them.  I will be looking into each of the different suggestiond given.  And know I will not post private comments with your personal info: such as email address in the comment.

Have a great day!!

Sunday Evening Babbling

I love this picture.  I love this quote.  Courage....doesn't always roar that is for sure.

I have a very long day of appts tmw.  In the mix of it all I'm trying to find some sort of something.  Life is happening and doing so at an ever increasing speed.  How I managed to get to the end of today w/o some sort of meltdown is a miracle.  When we got home this afternoon I found some quiet time in a hot bath.  Long enough to gather my thoughts, play a few rounds of Draw Something, and get back up again. 

Nearing the 2 week mark on this new medication.  I see my psychiatrist tmw afternoon.  Heart palpatations or high blood pressure - not sure which it is - still happening.  Damn is all I have to say about it.  The one positive note at this point is there has been on increase in suicidal ideation/thoughts, ect ect.  That being said....I'm still hopeful. 

**To the comment from yesterdays post:
THANKS!  I asked my dh about the PTA book. We had one from our last school.  He said he thought we had one and would try to look into it. If not he would find out from the school/teacher if there is something like that available.    As for myo-fascia release -- I will definately discuss it w/my chiropractor (his clinic is the only one covered w/in my insurance) and see who w/in his clinic(s) does something like this.  He doesn't do a ton of forceful adjustments and will often do more massage and stretching.  I will talk to him for suggestions and ideas.

Day....11 and Random Ramblings

I have upped the dose of this new medication. 
I have not taken it today.  It is still early.  I may take the original dose a bit later on the day.

Yesterday was bad in the realm of my blood pressure being high.  I'm not used to having this happen.  As I have stated before, generally it's on the low side.

PT for my shoulder was rough yesterday.  She is certain my shoulder is in the beginning stage of being frozen.  It wasn't on Wednesday.   The injection has not absorbed properly.   The PT got another PT to come in and check things out.  They were going to be contacting my drs office.  They did light massage and worked on reducing the swelling that she could see.  They also packed my entire shoulder with ice compress.  And told me I need to get in for a massage and come back on Monday for another round of what they did yesterday.

I have a full day of appts on Monday from 9-3.  Should be long day.

My son is struggling.  He wants other kids to play with.  I don't know how to fix that for him.  I've tried to encourage him to bring phone numbers of classmates home with no success.  Suggestions would be great.

My dh spoke to the clinical staff where both of our therapist work out of.  One of their receptionist called to see if I would like to speak to their oncall person yesterday.  I don't do phone calls with therapist unless it is my own.  I sure as he'll wouldn't talk to someone I don't know on the phone.  And it wasn't an emergency that on call staff had to call.  Ugh! !  I guess dh thought I was needing to speak to them. 

I googled our sons name a few weeks ago.  The one that we disrupted.  It was not a good idea.  He is tall...he is big.  Hey has several y.outube videos and it hurts my heart.

Strength in the Broken Places

Finding strength in the broken places can be exhausting.  This is exactly where I'm at this evening as I try and find strength in those places that have left me raw and vulnerable.

I often find myself struggling with bits and pieces of the broken places.

I'm fortunate to have found an amazing massage therapist who is compassionate about the work she does.  After receiving two cortisone injections that left me in extreme amount of pain last night and today I was somewhat hesitant to have a massage.  Knowing that I needed to go...I embarked on a journey today that left me somewhat speechless.

I've spent a majority of the last several hours after leaving my massage trying to process what exactly happened. What I know is....This afternoon I had an experience that left me truly struggling to catch my breathe.  To find strength where there is very little.  It was something that took me completely by suprise.  And has left me trying to find the strength I know I have and hold on tight.  What a blessing it is to have a massage therapist who is passionate about the work she does and was able to guide me back to place of being present, to a place that I was safe and would remain safe and more importantly express to me her knowledge and understanding in what happened as she gentle touched a scar on my head.  Being able to know what happened and understand it is crucial

Much to my surprise when she asked me "How did you get that scar?" I was able in a matter of fact manner tell her.  And even more suprising was able to elaborate on a bit more of  'my story'.  The one that I try so very hard to hide.  And have went to great lengths not to discuss, supress and just move on.

Earlier this week I ordered a few different books.  I'm hoping that these books will give me the Courage that I need to continue healing.

My shoulders are both signficantly better this evening than when I got up this morning.  Still pretty dang painful but much better than they were earlier in the day.

Well $h!T

In the last 24 hours I've said...

Well Shit....on more than one occasion.  I am somewhat proud of myself.  Only one of those times was it something more obscure; including more swear words.

I decided to make lemonaide out of lemons today.  Inviting the Work Comp Nurse C.Manager to join me 'in the room' while at my orthopedic consult today.  I have nothing to hide.  I NEED and WANT there to be no issues with this.  I know from experience that when a nurse is assigned to your case....it is the first step to having it denied.  It is just a matter of time.  I made it very clear that I WANT to get back to work.  Sure the break was nice.  Reality is....I work for a reason. I need the income.  Plain, cut, simple and DRY!!!

I'm hurting this evening....a TON!!  It's all I can do not to cry.  No amount of Tylenol, ice, heat or anything is helping.  Two cortisone injections...one in each shoulder.  blech.  I have a consult for decompression surgery at the end of April.

Adding insult to injury...my blood pressure was high this morning.  I thought maybe it was because of being nervous and upset with having another person that I did not know accompany me to the orth consult.  This evening I had it rechecked when I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.  It was still high. Not as high as earlier...but high enough.  And my exact thoughts were...Well...SHIT.  I've known for a few days it was creeping up there.  I generally have a rather low blood pressure.  Around 110/70 is usually the highest it goes.  This morning it was much higher.  MUCH MUCH higher.  I've got an idea.  It's more than nerves and pain.  And well...SHIT!!  I don't tell my mom much.  However, when I told her my BP was high the very first thing she said "the new med you are on can have a tendency to do that, you know?"  No...I didn't know.  Honestly, I want to just scream.  The jittery crap still happening.  Continued and got even more pronounced this morning when the dose was doubled.  Well...SHIT!  As I mentioned few posts ago, there are other things going on that need to be addressed.  I don't have it in me. I want this medication to work and will have to be in a really  REALLY bad space before I give up.  Fortunately, I've not struggled with daily suicidal thoughts for a few weeks.  (Other than right after my appt w/the new doctor...those first few days were clearly situational....)  However, I'm slowly able to tell that they are creeping back in.  Always starting at night. 

Thank heaven my sons high fever is done.  Last night we had about an hour of my lil guy screaming he was in pain, high fever (103.6 and then 104.1 about 20 minutes after the 103.6 was taken).  After it came done he seemed to do better.  Fell asleep in our bed.  He's maintained a 100.1-102.6 temp most of today.  He felt well enough to go to W.algreens with me and get a treat and medication. 

I'm in limbo.  In need of seeing my therapist. I don't want to call my pdoc bc she isn't a therapist when it comes down to it.  And as 'well versed' as one would think that I am with the clinic that I go to....seeing someone new is rather anxiety inducing.  I'm not sure what to do.  Struggling to keep my head above water.

I have a massage tomorrow afternoon.  My chiropractor has been asking me to consider seeing her again.  Hoping I can get some sort of relief...or a TON of relief.

Headaches

No real post tonight.  The negatives continue w/this medication.  At this very moment it is something I'm able to live with.  Not sure how long I will be able to tolerate the headaches.  After about 3-4 days I become unbearable to live with and can't function as the headaches continue.  Hoping they even out...quickly.

Day 5 Efexior

Jittery crap still happening.  Severity not as bad.  Enough that I'm hesitant to up the dose on 2 days.
It takes a few weeks I know to see a difference.  I also know from experience generally around Day 4-6 on an antidepressant....I begin to start feeling REALLY GOOD and don't need sleep, want to clean everything, ready to be on the go none stop, sexual interest is beyond the norm, cook non stop and I'm not interested in eating.
Day 5 has brought on all of the above.  It's a tough balance.  I'm fearful of "the fall" that I'm used to happening.   Praying or stays away and this medication will be the one that changes things for the better.