I will get out of bed....sometime.
I know it is.nearly 10am. Quite frankly I don't give a.Shit.
I made the mistake of talking to my mom last night about my appt. I should have known better. Her thoughts and comments were hurtful, as usual.
I've felt isolated and alone before. This morning that reality shines even brighter as I think about moving forward.
My best friend for the last 18 years and I, have slowly drifted apart. I know it is in part because I have distanced myself from her. She is filled with unending drama. She had an affair with my BIL and continues to be good friends with his family. I don't live those values and so I get that I'm part this is my doing.
It doesn't change the fact that we are still close. She called yesterday morning while I was on my way home from my Dr appt. She had asked what I was doing and I told her. It was once again a confirmation that I am on my own here in my world.
My husband asks if I am not feeling well or if my shoulder is hurting. I tell him the truth. He has nothing to offer. Nothing to say. Not even as much as 'I'm sorry'. As I type this out on my phone in bed...that last bit hurts. Deep. And ai cant stop the tears. I want him to care. To show me he cares. He can't. It isn't in his realm of conscious thinking. And after 18 years of marriage I should be know this. I do know it.
I know I'm not alone. I know there are a few people who will read this and think otherwise. I know who you are and I appreciate your random FB messages of support very early yesterday morning while I was sitting in the drs office. And the phone call saying "how did it go?" The distance between us is to much some days. And try as I might there is no changing it.
There was a nice break in this fucked up cycle of severe depression and suicidal ideation. I should be thankful I guess.
I know it is.nearly 10am. Quite frankly I don't give a.Shit.
I made the mistake of talking to my mom last night about my appt. I should have known better. Her thoughts and comments were hurtful, as usual.
I've felt isolated and alone before. This morning that reality shines even brighter as I think about moving forward.
My best friend for the last 18 years and I, have slowly drifted apart. I know it is in part because I have distanced myself from her. She is filled with unending drama. She had an affair with my BIL and continues to be good friends with his family. I don't live those values and so I get that I'm part this is my doing.
It doesn't change the fact that we are still close. She called yesterday morning while I was on my way home from my Dr appt. She had asked what I was doing and I told her. It was once again a confirmation that I am on my own here in my world.
My husband asks if I am not feeling well or if my shoulder is hurting. I tell him the truth. He has nothing to offer. Nothing to say. Not even as much as 'I'm sorry'. As I type this out on my phone in bed...that last bit hurts. Deep. And ai cant stop the tears. I want him to care. To show me he cares. He can't. It isn't in his realm of conscious thinking. And after 18 years of marriage I should be know this. I do know it.
I know I'm not alone. I know there are a few people who will read this and think otherwise. I know who you are and I appreciate your random FB messages of support very early yesterday morning while I was sitting in the drs office. And the phone call saying "how did it go?" The distance between us is to much some days. And try as I might there is no changing it.
There was a nice break in this fucked up cycle of severe depression and suicidal ideation. I should be thankful I guess.
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