Crazy

My heart is heavy (heavier) this evening as my dd questioned me about an upcoming therapy appt.  My dh and I had discussed that we would very cautiously approach this subject with her.  Not give her 'much time' to worry and fret over it before her actual appt.  He let it slip on Saturday and wasn't very good about giving her a 'soft and cautious' approach about why we have felt the need to make her an appt.

This afternoon my husband was gone w/my youngest to a chiropractor appt.  I came home from lunch w/my mom. I had a chiro appt early this morning followed by a massage.  Instead of working on my back and shoulder, H* felt the need to do energy work. I did not really clue her in as to how my weekened went but just said I have had a tough few days.  I left that appt w/her telling me to take plenty of time intergrating back into myself and not to drive until I was ready.  It was draining on all levels.  Driving nearly 3 hours round trip for a 1 hour lunch w/my mom was nice...but even more draining.

The moment I walked in the door my dd asks me about this appt.  I had no clue she knew.  I also had no clue that my husband let the shoe drop and didn't talk to her about it.  He told her it was because of something totally unrelated as to why.  Not knowing why and feeling completely terrified she went to the neighbor girl whom she is very good friends with and asked her "Why do you think my parents would want me to see a therapist". 

Long story short...only crazy people see therapist. She sees me as being crazy and depressed.  It didn't come out in that manner.  It came out in a 12.5 yr olds thinking. It hurts deep.  It was the things that came out...that fuel the "my kids deserve better" montra.  The montra that plays very loud more often than not.  Ultimately...my biggest fears...came out of my daughters mouth this evening. 

I tried to keep myself composed and in a "concerned mom mode".  I explained to her as gentle and loving as I could why her dad and I feel it would be best for her to see someone.  I hope and pray that she was able to know that I am coming from a place of love.  I pray she was not able to see the deep shame, pain and frustration...I tried so hard to keep from her.  She went on her way. I spent 45 minutes sobbing in a hot shower, trying to compose myself....I've not done so well.

I return to work in a few short hours.  My heart hurting more than it has in a very long time.  I have absolutely no clue who I will manage to get to the end of each day.....and the only thing that I can say right now or think is...fuckity fuck fuck.