Sunday, March 18, 2012

Get Up!

My son keeps coming to my room.
"Get up!" Is the general theme of his reasoning.
I am up I tell him.
He just comes back in amd says..."for the love of all that is holy....get up.  It is 11am!"   I am awake I tell him.  We talk abt how he could crawl in bed and watch TVs with me.  He says I need to be dressed.  TRUE!
So I shower and come out to find him in my bed.
With a plate of PBJ toast,  apple, and dt soda.  Bless his heart.
We lay in bed watching some stupid show on TLC.  I try telling him he needs a haircut and we should Go do that today.  Oh and he needs shoes he reminds me.  His Five Finger shoes became to small and he wants new ones. 
I know J* and few others worry that me being off work isn't productive, increases depression and suicidal ideation, and overall isn't good for me.  I'm trying to prove them wrong.  I've had a few rough days.  But overall... I'm managing....I think.
My head is spinning in a way that I wish it wasn't.  One that I don't even know if I can adequately describe.   Thinking/worrying about it makes me feel like I'm neurotic as ever.
In less than a month I see the a new pdoc.  The one whom I've had an appt for a long time...months.  I wish I could say I am relieved...I'm not.  It just sunk in my head this morning that J* will be gone for 3-4 weeks.  And in that time I see this new guy.  And for some incoherent is weighing heavy on my thinking.   J* and I discussed it last week.  However, it didn't sink in fully till I woke up this morning.  The anxiety and such involved with seeing "this" Dr has me in a tizzy.  Having no one to process how that appointment goes for 2-3 weeks afterwards makes me even more anxious.  I guess as my dh said to me last night after we csme to bed( and J* has recently figured into the equation)...I hv some abandonment issues.  I've never tht abt it in that manner.  But ...I guess they hv a point.

1 comment:

GB's Mom said...

A lot of us have abandonment issues! Love you!