Jittery Jig..Random Rambling

Holy crap...I'm so jittery this morning.  I'm about to crawl out of my own skin.  Oyi! 

After falling asleep I was woke up shortly after by some loud noise, talking, and sirens.  Prayers going to the family who lost their home I'm an explosion last night near us.

I don't drink coffee.  I'm certain I know what "to much coffee" does to someone.  Crap.

My 12 yr old has her first appt with therapist today.  Glad I'm able take her.  Hope she isn't to stressed abt it.  Pray she can use this for her own well-being.

Spring break starts today.  I'm bummed we don't have plans for the kids.  Financially and work schedule didn't really provide for planning anything.  With me not working that doesn't help much either.  Plus I have physical therapy and Dr appt nearly every day next week.

Its a rainy dreary day here. 

My dd is having bunch of girls over for a sleep over.  Should be interesting!

The PDoc is In

After waiting several months to get into a new psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion (or possible have him follow my care....even though, deep down I didn't really want that) I was rather discouraged.  Depressed would be an understatement.  HUGE understatement to be honest.  Sometimes, that smack in the face is what you need.  In this case what I needed.  The get up and go to keep on fighting, keep on keeping on...was gone.  I made a follow up appt with my primary psychiatrist K* yesterday.  I've mentioned several times on this blog that we have a love/hate relationship.  I agree w/my PCP that sometimes you need a fresh look.  By going to see this new guy last week, this is exactly what I got. 

Yesterday my appt with K* was chuck full of information.  Much of the suggestions from the dr. I saw last week are not options.  Will never be options.  I will not have surgery and I will not do the other rather extreme things he suggested.  I'm not opposed to it.  However, at this time...in my heart I believe there is SOMETHING that is missing and SOMETHING else that could be helpful. I also left that appt feeling like she feels the same thing.

I left overwhelmed.  Heck, I became overwhelmed while talking to her.  I made sure to let her know that I was overwhelmed with several of the things she was throwing out there. 

For the first time in the 12 year history I have with K* she saw in writing in front of her; the list of medical dx that I have/had at some point.  Sitting in front of her on the first page of the report.  She skimmed the report.  Telling me different things, explaining what they were.  And giving me her ever so humble opinion.  Sometimes, I don't like her ever so humble and honest opinions. She was adamant about me seeing an endocrinologist. 

At the end of the appt. I left with 2 new prescriptions.  One I would start right away.  The other I would attempt to get my insurance to pay with the assumptions they would not and then we could start the prior auth process.  Much to our surprise it was partially covered.  I could attempt to get my insurance to lower the tier for lower coverage.  However, I am pretty sure it would be for naught.

So right now, I will start a Effixor (sp).  In hopes that there are no negative side effects such as increased suicidal ideation.  Trust me...when I say that I'm very very hesitant to take this based on my recent experiences with any antidepressants over the last year.  As in extremely HESITANT!! And I became even more hesitant when I found out that the cost was rather high.  My insurance doesn't pay for it at the 2 smaller co pays.  Unfortunately for me.  Whatever.  If it will help I can/will take it.  My history w/antidepressants isn't good....crossing more than my fingers!!

In a month or so I will start a prescription for Deplin. Basically it is a medical food/dietary supplement that contains methylfolate (aka: folate).  This was something that came to K*'s mind after she saw the different medical dx that were listed on the 2nd opinion report.

I contacted my PCP's office.  Have a referral to see someone in endocrinology in May.  And we shall see....what will happen from there.

K* and I discussed EMDR, also.  She was not very supportive of it.  She gave me her reasoning for it.  I'm not very sure I agree with her.  I will write more about that at a later time.  My son just came home from school and is being very loud.....I need to quiet him down real quick or it will be a long 6 hours before bedtime.

Pick Me Up...

Plain and simple..

You can't help but smile when seeing something like this portrait. 
I know I did. 

It is a simple "pick me up" type of portrait.
Lil' babe....carefree and innocent.

Today was a bit of a lighter day in the realm of things.  I came close to having a mini meltdown in drs office when requesting a copy of the report from last weeks new psych appt.  They would not give it to me.  Telling me they would fax it to my primary psychiatrist.  Whatever. It wasn't a battle I was willing to fight today.  I will see Dr. S in the morning.  I don't see J* for about 4 weeks.  One of them will discuss it with me I'm sure. If not...then it will become a battle that I will fight.

I had a PT eval for my shoulder this morning.  I love how the man told me that I have rounded shoulders and poor posture.  Uh' yeah....I have rounded shoulders because I drive for a living....with my arms extended out....with a 40,000 lb vehicle.  Duh'.  He quickly caught himself and corrected himself, somewhat.  Whatever. I don't need PT. I know what he is going to have me do.  Whatever I need to do to make work comp happy.

I'm serious about finding more information out in regards to EMDR.  I know that J* doesn't do it.  I'm past the part of "I don't want to learn about it, see if it would be a good fit for me, ect bc J* doesn't do it and I don't want to see yet...someone else."  The happenings of Sunday were enough for me to realize that I need to at least look into it.  Stop asking questions and move fwd with a consultation.  Stop thinking about it...and DO IT.  I see Dr. S in the morning and will attempt to bring it up with her. 

I'm tired beyond tired this evening.  Lack of sleep and plain BUSY freeking day has led me to be....TIRED.

 

On the Wings

Shortly before landing in Orlando on March 1.

I would give anything to be on that plane...again!  Headed to ETAAM-Orlando.  It seems like it was so long ago.  Yet it was only 3 weeks ago today, that I got up early and returned home.  As I looked out the window at the wing of this particular plane I recall seeing and feeling so much hope for the coming days.  Hope in finding brighter moments...even if just for a few moments/days. 

I am not actively parenting a child with R.A.D.  However, the after effects have played their toll.  The last few days those after effects have crept into my heart.  Taken up residence in a rather negative toll.  The timing has been horrible.  There is never any good time.  However, right now is really not good.

Add this into the mixture that I'm still trying to figure out which way to turn and which end is up after the psychiatry appt I had w/the new pdoc last Friday.  I am scheduled to see my primary psychiatrist tmw.  The appt may need to be rescheduled because of some technical issues between the two clinics.  And even though I just want to get it done and over with, there is a small part of me that just doesn't want to go.  Accept the fact that this is as good as it gets.

I woke up yesterday morning determined that it was a new day.  No matter what I would revel in that aspect. I would find hope where hope was to be found.  It wasn't for naught....I tried. 

It is now into the wee hours of the next day.  Unable to sleep, searching for some sort of comfort.  It isn't in the M & M's that were on my table.  It isn't in the Dt. Cherry Pepsi that was in our fridge.  It is nowhere to be found in the food that has entered my mouth in hopes to drown out what seems to be taking over. 

The mind is a dangerous thing.  It is a weapon like none other.  It is moments like these that I know I need to pull out the tools and use them.  The tools that several years of therapy have provided me.  Yet, it isn't happening. 

Praying that I can have a bit of a relief.  Get back some of that fight that I had last week.  Once again...it's gone. 

Ho Hum

I found this in the 'archives' from the first pictures I took with my first DSLR camera back in 2009.  It adequetely describes who I feel right now.

Sometime Today

I will get out of bed....sometime. 
I know it is.nearly 10am.  Quite frankly I don't give a.Shit.
I made the mistake of talking to my mom last night about my appt.  I should have known better.  Her thoughts and comments were hurtful, as usual.
I've felt isolated and alone before.  This morning that reality shines even brighter as I think about moving forward. 
My best friend for the last 18 years and I, have slowly drifted apart.  I know it is in part because I have distanced myself from her.  She is filled with unending drama.  She had an affair with my BIL and continues to be good friends with his family. I don't live those values and so I get that I'm part this is my doing.
It doesn't change the fact that we are still close.  She called yesterday morning while I was on my way home from my Dr appt.  She had asked what I was doing and I told her.  It was once again a confirmation that I am on my own here in my world. 
My husband asks if I am not feeling well or if my shoulder is hurting.  I tell him the truth.   He has nothing to offer.  Nothing to say.  Not even as much as 'I'm sorry'.  As I type this out on my phone in bed...that last bit hurts.  Deep.  And ai cant stop the tears.  I want him to care.  To show me he cares.   He can't.  It isn't in his realm of conscious thinking. And after 18 years of marriage I should be know this.  I do know it. 
I know I'm not alone.  I know there are a few people who will read this and think otherwise.  I know who you are and I appreciate your random FB messages of support very early yesterday morning while I was sitting in the drs office.  And the phone call saying "how did it go?"  The distance between us is to much some days. And try as I might there is no changing it.
There was a nice break in this fucked up cycle of severe depression and suicidal ideation.  I should be thankful I guess. 

Intense Anger

I am still trying to process the psych appt I had this morning.
Very angry.
At myself. 
At the world.
There are no other words to describe what I'm thinking.

Oh Sh!t

I have spent the last couple hours in a whirlwind of anxiety.  As the hustle and bustle of today has come to an end....my mind begins to race.

I barely got out of bed this am.  I just wanted to lay and watch it rain out my bay window.  My dh and I decided to head out and about. 

Felt good to be out.  Pain was minimal in my shoulder.   My head hurt, though.

I received a phone call that changed the entire day.  It is/was a good one.   The long waited new psych appt....they had a 7am new patient spot....tmw!  I took the spot and my headache went from tolerable to nauseating to I came home and slept from about 1-5.  I would have been in bed longer but my son had a concert tonight and we were headed to a little diner for dinner. 

Since coming home and the kids are in bed...it is quiet.  And with that comes some big thoughts and feelings.

Finally found the intake paperwork.  And what should have been 10min took over 2 hours.

My previous experiences were not good...and...they have all came crashing back at me in a matter of several hours.

I'm ready to pull the blankets over my head and hope I am able to get up at the 530am alarm without to much turmoil.

Today

Is just another day.  As usual there have been ugly moments here and there.  However, nothing as ugly or dark as there have been in recent months....weeks.
Today, I accompanied a friend to see an attorney.   I'm glad I went with her.  I've found myself in a 'fight for what is right ' mode.  I feel much lighter and ready to take on what is placed before me.
Yesterday, without hesitation I was able to bring up a few different therapies, ask some questions that I've been hesitant.  
Today, I was willing and able to move fwd with an EMDR consultation.  I absolutely love that my therapist is able to be honest and forthright with me. Explaining it time her best ability and then saying the same thing that has always been in the back of my mind when I think abt EMDR.  Yet, today....I attempt to ask her reception staff "who" in her office does this therapy.  They were very busy and my friend was ready to leave.  She encouraged me to call my therapist and ask her who since I couldn't figure out via their website. 
This scares the living crap out of me.  I'm sooooo not interested in meeting with someone else.  Yet, today....I needed to capitalize on the fact that....today Im ready to take that on.
I hope...and...pray....it continues.
Also, today...my friend L* pointed out she sees a huge difference... and believes it is because I'm not working.  Onteresting perspective from someone else looking in.

Just Some Thoughts...

...for a Monday evening.

***I am not returning to work tmw.  Or the next.  Or the next day.  That's okay.  It will be okay unless I get slack from Work Comp.  Then...it will be really NOT OKAY.  Until then....I will just go on the premise that I KNOW that I got hurt (again) at work.  And the video will prove it. 

***Since I was at my appt. last week I've lost a few lbs.  Nothing to go writting home to mom about..but some.  I've not cut out the diet soda I drink.  Nor am I at this point.  Another Soul Sister commented to my friend S* on FB and said "I am certain I am not fat because I drink coffee." And that my friends....or should say lukers...is my entire belief.  Sure it does not help.  However, it isn't the reason.  I had another friend try telling me today that I need to stop drinking it.  She can stop drinking it and I will praise her.   My first "real attempt" at making something "somewhat on the vegan aspect" was a huge flop. 

***I posted this picture on FB this morning.  It is a great one by Greg Smith. I love it. Sometime this week I will sit down and creat my "Blessing Tree".  I encourage you to do the same.  Feel free to share it with me.  I would love to see the differences in everyones "Blessing Tree's".

***This evening as my son and I were coming home from a therapy appt we had a rather interesting discussion.  Or so I thought.  We spent the last 3 miles telling each other what we "thought the other person was good at".  My son told me some things that I can laugh at...yet its a tender spot in my heart.  I started this blog post with intentions on sharing them.  I have since decided to not share them because well.....even though my son thought he was telling me "good things"...they really are a reflection of how my son sees me.  And even though it might seem funny.  Deep down...it really isn't. 

***I'm headed to bed early...bc well I 'broke' the rules of the 'healthier' eating plan and think I'm going to be sick.  Taking a hot shower and going to bed seem like good ideas to me right now.

Get Up!

My son keeps coming to my room.
"Get up!" Is the general theme of his reasoning.
I am up I tell him.
He just comes back in amd says..."for the love of all that is holy....get up.  It is 11am!"   I am awake I tell him.  We talk abt how he could crawl in bed and watch TVs with me.  He says I need to be dressed.  TRUE!
So I shower and come out to find him in my bed.
With a plate of PBJ toast,  apple, and dt soda.  Bless his heart.
We lay in bed watching some stupid show on TLC.  I try telling him he needs a haircut and we should Go do that today.  Oh and he needs shoes he reminds me.  His Five Finger shoes became to small and he wants new ones. 
I know J* and few others worry that me being off work isn't productive, increases depression and suicidal ideation, and overall isn't good for me.  I'm trying to prove them wrong.  I've had a few rough days.  But overall... I'm managing....I think.
My head is spinning in a way that I wish it wasn't.  One that I don't even know if I can adequately describe.   Thinking/worrying about it makes me feel like I'm neurotic as ever.
In less than a month I see the a new pdoc.  The one whom I've had an appt for a long time...months.  I wish I could say I am relieved...I'm not.  It just sunk in my head this morning that J* will be gone for 3-4 weeks.  And in that time I see this new guy.  And for some incoherent reason...it is weighing heavy on my thinking.   J* and I discussed it last week.  However, it didn't sink in fully till I woke up this morning.  The anxiety and such involved with seeing "this" Dr has me in a tizzy.  Having no one to process how that appointment goes for 2-3 weeks afterwards makes me even more anxious.  I guess as my dh said to me last night after we csme to bed( and J* has recently figured into the equation)...I hv some abandonment issues.  I've never tht abt it in that manner.  But ...I guess they hv a point.

Mother..Daughter Time

There is nothing I want more right than to crawl in bed with a diet pepsi, ice pack and surround myself with quiet.

Instead,  I have forced myself to come shopping and dinner with my 12 yr old daughter. 

I wanted to take her shopping earlier in the day.  However, it wasn't on her terms.  Therefore, we didn't make it out.

She's slowly letting her guard down.  And talking to me about some very minor....but serious things to her.  I will take it for what I can. 

She's gonna fight me...but next we are going bra shopping.  Here she comes...

~~~~~~~~~

I'm home.
I nearly had a panic attack.
Was reminded why I don't drink alcoholic beverages....yet may need to start.
And a few other things.

The girl has brought me to my knees.  She would not open up or say anything to me.  other than....thank you for the summer clothes I bought her.

I lay here in bed, no computer only my phone....tears stream down my cheeks.

How do I talk to my husband abt some of my concerns?  He can't keep his mouth shut.  And, yet...we don't hide anything from each other.

She kept asking if I needed/wanted to Go home.  I fought like hell to remain present, attempt to engage her in conversation over and over, and tell her no...I'm fine.   It is a tough balance. 

I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK......yet I know there is no way in hell I can.  My activities today did not amount to much physically.   But, enough to show me...it is unlikely!   I hurt so incredibly bad this evening it is only adding to the already present tears.

So for tonight I will try to sleep even though my pain level at the moment is abt a 8/10.  I will not Go to church tmw.  I will rest!!!

Oh My Head

I'm beyond pissed off...pissed off!!

It does not make for a very good match to a: not be able to work and b: not have a computer.

My computer took a shit again.  And I'm pissed off!  This freaking thing has been at Geek Squad more in the last 2 months.  The Ups man delivered a part that I needed at the same time I realized the motherboard was out....again...for the 2nd time in as many months.  I wanted to throw the mother effing box at him.  I didn't. It's not his fault.

Oh' and because I was STILL EDITING PICS FROM CHRISTMAS AND ORLANDO...I LOST ALL THEM TOO.  Mother heifer!

RAW, LIES, UGLY....all 3 the same.

Sometimes getting to the raw truth underneath the thick exterior can be somewhat ugly. 
Being able to see past the lies that depression fills your mind, body and spirit with....can be ugly.
Today...that is right where I'm at.  In the ugliest of ugly.

Crazy

My heart is heavy (heavier) this evening as my dd questioned me about an upcoming therapy appt.  My dh and I had discussed that we would very cautiously approach this subject with her.  Not give her 'much time' to worry and fret over it before her actual appt.  He let it slip on Saturday and wasn't very good about giving her a 'soft and cautious' approach about why we have felt the need to make her an appt.

This afternoon my husband was gone w/my youngest to a chiropractor appt.  I came home from lunch w/my mom. I had a chiro appt early this morning followed by a massage.  Instead of working on my back and shoulder, H* felt the need to do energy work. I did not really clue her in as to how my weekened went but just said I have had a tough few days.  I left that appt w/her telling me to take plenty of time intergrating back into myself and not to drive until I was ready.  It was draining on all levels.  Driving nearly 3 hours round trip for a 1 hour lunch w/my mom was nice...but even more draining.

The moment I walked in the door my dd asks me about this appt.  I had no clue she knew.  I also had no clue that my husband let the shoe drop and didn't talk to her about it.  He told her it was because of something totally unrelated as to why.  Not knowing why and feeling completely terrified she went to the neighbor girl whom she is very good friends with and asked her "Why do you think my parents would want me to see a therapist". 

Long story short...only crazy people see therapist. She sees me as being crazy and depressed.  It didn't come out in that manner.  It came out in a 12.5 yr olds thinking. It hurts deep.  It was the things that came out...that fuel the "my kids deserve better" montra.  The montra that plays very loud more often than not.  Ultimately...my biggest fears...came out of my daughters mouth this evening. 

I tried to keep myself composed and in a "concerned mom mode".  I explained to her as gentle and loving as I could why her dad and I feel it would be best for her to see someone.  I hope and pray that she was able to know that I am coming from a place of love.  I pray she was not able to see the deep shame, pain and frustration...I tried so hard to keep from her.  She went on her way. I spent 45 minutes sobbing in a hot shower, trying to compose myself....I've not done so well.

I return to work in a few short hours.  My heart hurting more than it has in a very long time.  I have absolutely no clue who I will manage to get to the end of each day.....and the only thing that I can say right now or think is...fuckity fuck fuck.

Sleep or lack thereoff....

I'm certain the many hours of medication induced sleep Saturday into Sunday is now responsible for me laying wide awake at 2:15 am.  Great big suck.  I'm tired and as I lay in bed composing this my eyes amd body are heavy.  Sleep just isn't my friend right now.

Wish I could say I was feeling better.  I'm not.  My house was invaded by company. I made dinner and tried to be upbeat and positive a majority of the time.  Once again, covering( hiding) how I was truly doing. 
Locking myself in my bathroom/room helps escape the crazies that often transpire.

Tonight/Today

No hiding the fact the last several months have been a struggle to keep swimming,  to keep my head above water and not give in.  There have been days where how I managed to get to the next is beyond me.  Tonight was one of those days.

A somewhat small disagreement added to already vulnerable space I was in.  Which spiraled quickly from there.   It isn't pretty.   I'm done.   Obviously,  my kids and husband seem to function and want to do things with out me.  Why keep trying?  What is the damn point?  Clearly, all I'm good for bringing home a paycheck.  And I'm tired of it.  Fucking tired.   It is 5pm and I'm going to bed.  Regardless if I'm starving and my head hurts...  I will find something, anything and sleep.. I'm done!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above was wrote last night while I laid in bed.  I pushed publish but did not see it worked. 

I'm still in bed.  I have no plans on getting up anytime soon.

Just as I posted earlier my husband believes or thinks I don't want to do anything with them.  Therefore,  he didn't wake me up for church.  Regardless of how much going with them triggers me....I still Go for my kids sake. 

My body is reeling from the effects of taking meds that left me sound asleep for nearly 15 hrs.  Only waking once to use br, respond to 3 private messages on Facebook, get a drink and back to bed. 

Never had a drink in my life.... but I'm gathering how I'm feeling at this moment physically equals what a hangover would be like.  It is all I can do not to check out the next 15hrs again!  I've been down and out...this is probably the lowest I've been...getting up isn't something I'm able to see as a positive.  Obviously my family continues on without me so why bother.

Low of Lows for B12

Don't believe my B12 has ever reached the low that I'm at right now.  With it brings frustration, anger, and so many range of emotions.
Weekly injections seems to be the correct answer.  However, my insurance company believes that is not the answer.  I was able to double up but that can only happen every so many weeks.
Another side of gastric bypass that is not 'talked about in depth prior to surgery.  Today is my Friday.  Thank heaven!!

Tired

Since returning home on Monday, I have been incredible tired.  Regardless of what time I head to bed at night( early for me)...I can't seem to shake this extreme fatigue.

If I had to pinpoint what it could be I would say my iron levels have dropped again.  I'm current on B12.   However,  tht doesn't always mean anything.

Each morning I believe will be better.  Not so much today.

Fatigue and depression fuel each other for me.  Amd I'm noticing it's effects.

Courage to Heal

I was encouraged to look into the book "Courage to Heal".  After leaving an appt with my J* , I had every intentions on looking it up at the local library.

When I left lunch with my dh I couldnt think abt anything but coming home.  Which I did.

Courage isn't something I'm digging right now...it is overwhelming and suffocating all in one.

Medication 101

It isn't for everyone.

It is something I need.  Contrary to what I want to believe.... I need it.  

This weekend amid the chaos of traveling I misplaced my medication.  Thinking I would certainly find it sooner than later.  I found it...late as in VERY VERY late Sunday night while packing to come home.  In my tablet carry case.  I not once opened or used my tablet so it didn't occur that I should look there.

By Sunday...day 3 w/o... I was feeling like I definitely needed them.  Put them in my bathroom bag which I planned on bringing with me home.  Instead put them in the stuff my friend was bringing home for me.

Four days sans medication....I know they are needed!!

Confirmation in a small way that they are helping in a small manner.  Even at a small dose.

Love and Friendship

The last 4 days has been a life changing experience for me.  Meeting new friends and renewing friendships that developed at last years ETAAM Orlando Retreat.

Very little tears were shed until I stepped on the otherside of security.  Now, I can't stop them.

Being among other beautiful souls who get me, my struggles, my struggles with our son/disruption was incredible healing. 

The experience this year was so incredibly different then last year.  Thankful for The love and friendship that was shared in our Villa. 

I'm not ready to re-enter.  Just not ready....one bit. 

Day One...Long Day of travel.

Yesterday was a very long day. 

So worth it.  There is no better therapy than being with other people...momma...who get you, your struggle, your life!  Not just the attachment and trauma aspect but every aspect.

By the time m head hit the pillow at 1:25am...approximately 10-12 trauma mommas had spent several hours together.  It was great having s smaller group of mom's.  The intimacy of the smaller group, having each of mostly in different villas, and getting to know each other was awesome.

This morning the 3 amigos headed off to Ron Jon's Surf Shop and lunch.   Lunch was awesome...until I realized I was given regular soda and not diet. 

Now off to meet and great and hug and kiss some more mommas!!