"I had no clue"

Over the weekend my son was baptized. I know I mentioned it before.  However, a few things have come to the surface since that day.  It was a very small gathering.  A few members from our ward and a friend/co-worker of mine.

One of the ladies who came and gave a talk also happens to be a passenger that I have once in a while.  I've known her since I was in Young Women's 20+ years ago.  I learned over the weekend that she was baptized around that same time 20+ yrs ago, only because my husband was a missionary here in our current ward.  He remembers the set of Elders/Missionaries who were in the area at the time.  He served in this same ward shortly after she was baptized.  She is a nurse at a local hospital.  She is a very sweet and dear lady.

L* and I were talking as we were both leaving the building.  She made some sort of comment such as "I will see you in Relief Society tmw".  Matter of fact I replied with "Probably not.  I will attend Sacrament and will most likely leave after that."  She knew I wasn't working and added a few other remarks such as she would love to see me there.  It was a rather awkward moment.  One that I felt the need to clarify.  And so I did, rather reluctantly. 

Other than our bishop, whom I spoke w/about this in our home and a VERY few IRL people....my battle with depression, anxiety, S.I, and such is a very private manner.  So mentioning to her why I generally only attend Sacrament was rather tough.  I was very taken back in some ways by her response.  She stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at me and sincerely said "__ I had NO clue."  I followed it up with "It isn't something I discuss and is part of the reason I'm not working right now".  I figured she didn't need to know more.  It is what it is.  And she had enough information that is all she needed.

I'm struggling, again!

It is an up and down battle. 

I'm trying very hard to keep myself busy.  Seriously, I'm in some sort of a manic, crazy, can't stop bc if I do I will end up crashing hard mode.  So I've cooked. I've cleaned. I've not slept.  I've walked the dogs. I've been up and down and all over the dang place. 

I received a phone late last evening from the sweet Sister whom I mentioned above.  She was on her way home from work.  And because she usually sees me at work she was thinking of me.  After she got home she felt like she needed to check in and see how I was really doing.  At first I was taken back and felt like "I don't really want/need to air my dirty laundry out there.  How do I know I can trust her?" And many other things.  Of course, I didn't tell her that on my way home from my group meeting tonight I had to focus myself deeply on doing something constructive...aka: talking to someone on the phone bc if I didn't the urge to drive down a cliff or into the barrier wall was so incredible strong.  She didn't need to know those things.

She cared.  She cared enough to let me know "I am not Alone".  I often hear this 'phrase' and sometimes get rather discouraged and disgusted by it.  However, it is sooo very true.  Last week on several different occasions when this song popped into my IPOD play list there was no stopping the tears.

Find solace. Find comfort.  Find whatever it is that you need....and know...YOU are NOT ALONE!!  (click on link to hear music)

His Love

My son was baptized yesterday.  He was confirmed a member of the church and received the Gift of the Holy Ghost today.  My husband performed both the baptism and confirming our son.  It was bitter sweet. 

Today being the first Sunday of the month it was Testimony Meeting during sacrament.  One of the ladies who bore her testimony mentioned the above "I loved you at your darkest". 

I know deep down in my heart my Father in Heaven loves me.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is some sort of lesson to be learned by these dark days.  I don't know what it is.  Nor do I believe that I am ready to have that knowledge. 

My parents came for a late lunch/early dinner. My brother and his girlfriend joined us.  It was an all around nice afternoon.

I'm exhausted.  I hurt.  I've struggled off and on with keeping my thoughts/moods above water.  I've held it together. And I did so for the sake of my children. And will continue to get up and keep fighting for the sake of my children. I may need you to remind me in a few days!!

Theraputic...heck ya!

I'm going to post a picture of one of my dogs.  Because well...I am. This blog is semi-private and I hope to keep it that way.  Since, for the most part it is not very well known that I struggle with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation as much as I do.  Like....MY MOTHER doesn't even know.  So, Mom...if you are seeing this pic of Mr. M...well know you know.  And please don't mention it to me next time you talk to me.  :-) 

Now that I have the previous out of the way...on to what this post is about.

My dogs.  We have 2 beautiful and loving pugs.  I love pugs.  As in love them!!  When we got Mr. M, pictured above, I was not a pug lover so to speak.  I loved their cute faces.  And all that other jazz.  However, I wasn't gagga over them.  I am now, gagga over pugs.

Mr M is a beautiful 4.5 yr old pure bred fawn pug.  We have a 3.5 month old black w/silver pug.
Mr. M hasn't always been such a good boy.  You know, those puppy years can be rough.  He has always been beautiful, gentle and loving.  (Except of course when Mr. B gets on his case a lil to much and well then not so much).  He loves his humans. He loves attention.  He loves food, walks, treats, toys, and just life in general.

Mr. M is as close to a theraputic dog you will ever find.  I'm quite certain I could put a ADA vest on him and claim him as a service or therapy dog.  We first realized how valuable he was when our foster daughter was visisting us on a respite weekend.  It was a few months prior to her moving in w/us for a year.  Mr. M alerted us in the middle of the night on more than one occasion that our foster daughter was having a seizure.  When my children had H1N1 a few years ago, he sat by their side...day in and day out.  He never left them.  I have a sweet picture of him sitting on the couch (which is a no-no in our house) next to my then 10 yr old daughter.  We had been told she had 24 hours to have a turn around or she would be hospitalized.  He never left her. 

Earlier in the week my therapist asked me if my dogs were theraputic at all for me?  I never really thought of it that way.  I would have to say YES!  Mr. B is so playful and funny and loving and bites me and pees and poops everywhere and is just plain a PUPPY.  And then the big boy that Mr. M is....just sitting so stellar.  Brings me toys. Sits so patiently and constantly ready to rub up against mommy's leg....letting me know he is right there.  I laugh over and over as I watch Mr. M get mad at Mr. B. and start chasing him.  It is just so out of his character.  And he can be downright mean.  Yet, all I have to do is yell "M* be gentle" and he stops.  And most often will just walk away.  This evening he had Mr B pinned on the ground.  Puppy was being nasty.  Mr. M....stood there overtop Mr. B....looking at me.  As I smiled and said "M* you be nice.  He head butted Mr. B one last time and then walked over to me and has sat here.  Their antics are funny.  They keep me laughing when all I want to do is cry.  M* will (when daddy is not home and mommy is by herself) jump up (with help) on our large bed and lay next to me.  Mr. B-puppy well he sleeps every night with us w/o fail.  He lays down after giving kisses and doesn't move until morning when the kids are getting up for school. 

Tonight, as I sit here alone...I'm finding solace and comfort in these two sweethearts.  One semi gentle giant (fat) pug and one lil guy....who keep me smiling when I least want to keep on smiling!

NaBloPoMo

Never had a desire to blog everyday.  This evening after reading a fellow Soul Sisters Blog and seeing her badge...I thought "hmm....maybe I should give this a try?  I've already blogged everyday this month so far".  And on a more positive note thought to myself..."Maybe...just MAYBE....at the end of November...I can go back and look and see there was/is/will be a positive shift."

So that is my goal.  Somehow, I need to make that shift.  Need to turn a corner.  For today, I will give this a try.

My son will be baptised in a few short hours.  Which means, this momma needs to go to bed.  Insomnia stinks.  Actually, it downright sucks.  Sucks even more so when you're deep in a dark hole.
My kids have a team practice for tumbling out of town. One of the other parents that will be chaperoning has asked that I go along. I don't want to. I should. I'm not going to offer. I really don't want to go!! 

After my post earlier in the day on Friday, I ended up sleeping very soundly.  Woke to my daughter standing in my doorway.  Shortly after I got out of bed.  Her and I went to town.  She wanted to go to the mall.  I ended up buying her a hoodie, sweater, and long sleeve shirt to go with the sweater.  I then bought myself a complete outfit.  A co-worker/friend met us at the mall and then followed me back home.  I made dinner and we sat on the couch for an hour or two and just did nothing.

So...I can easily say my day didn't suck up to much of the "need to retreat in my room".

~To Be 9, again

What each of us wouldn't give, at times, to be 9 again.
Sweet and carefree and cute...all over again.

Just because I need a reminder

What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.

Oscar Wilde

 

 

When the World says, "Give Up,"
Hope says, "Try One More Time."
Unknown

 

 

 

 

Structure or Not

I realize that this blog has not been positive or shown my gratitude/thankfullness.
I also realize I have been nothing but down right depressing.
If you have come here looking upbeat and optimistic stuff..I'm sorry to disappoint.  I would love for a break on this downright shit-filled space I'm in.
As I posted a week or so ago, everyday I try to get up and go about as if 'today will he different'.  Today started just like that.  Attempted to come up with a structured healthy plan for the day.  One that would promote healing and restore faith of better day(s).
It is just past noon.
My children had early release and are home.
I managed to go out and about.
To the chiropractor,  JcP, and Subway for lunch with my husband.
I've escaped and am in my room.  Somehow, the heat from a heating pad seems to numb the overall pain and anxiety I am struggling with today.
Late last night PTSD reared its very ugly head.  It truly is a silent killer. Even though I'm able to write out (on my other blog) what happened and feel somewhat of a relief.  Like I'm not so alone.
There is more to it.  I am struggling today with not wanting to run.  RUN FAR FAR AWAY.  Where no one knows me.  Where I'm alone.  Where I'm safe from all that haunts the fucking daylights out of me.

I continue to get up....

...because of my kids.

This lil' poem states so simple who I often feel.  There are many days when they drive me near insanity (the good kind. hahaha).  Then there are days when I just couldn't imagine a day with out them.

I am not working right now.  It wasn't something that came about lightly.  I've had a few meltdowns this afternoon after seeing my therapist and calling the short-term disability insurance company. 

My children are the reason I get up every single day. They are the very fiber of my being.  I love them more than I love anything else on this earth.  With out them I have no idea where I would be at this moment. I can pretty much guarantee you it wouldn't be sitting in my living room....blogging.

When I left J*'s office this morning she wanted to know 'what my plan was for the next week....what was *I* going to do that was structured and healthy?'

I didn't have the answers.
I still don't have answers.

It may need to be a day-to-day plan that I develop.

For today the plan consisted of:
Me making dinner.
Eating dinner. 
Cleaning up the table.
And not going to my room or bathroom to hide in a hot bath.  While my children were still awake.

It is 9:15pm.  And I've struggled a great deal with not escaping to my room---to the tub. One of my two children are in bed.  The other will be shortly.  And it is just a matter of time before a very hot tub calls my name and I very well may not be able to keep it together any longer.

I've grounded my son...and then ungrounded him for kicking a ball at the house when he was supposed to be cleaning up dog crap.  Having a talk w/my daughter about her going to the temple next weekend w/the youth group.  I've spent the evening editing photos.  Updating my photo blog.  And working w/my brother to offer a portrait special to his office co-workers for head shot photos.

To be honest...I've not reverted to my room for a nap/break since I got up at 9:00am and left for my chiropractor and therapy appt.

Emotionally exhaused.

The Beginning....

and definately

not the end!



Forget Me Not

It is late. Once again, I'm awake into the wee hours of the morning.  Attempting to go to bed provided frustration, discouragement and hopeless thinking.  Updated to add (for my own record): I finally crawled back into bed for the 2nd time at 2:30am.  The last time I looked at the clock it said 3:39am.  The next thing I heard was my husbands alarm going off at 6:15am - it was time for him to get up and get the kids ready for school. I got up instead.  It is the first time this school year that I've been up before my kids went to school. I'm tired.  Yet, I'm also wide awake and feel as though I could run run run....I did not take the new medication last night. I put in a call to my psychiastrist office early yesterday morning and heard nothing back from her.  This was after speaking to my PCP and chiropractor.  My chiro is 100% convinced the issues I've had over the weekend (and continue) are related to this medication.  My PCP's office said "contact your pdoc".

I decided to get up and work past that.
Regardless if I have an 8:30am massage.
Regardless if I have a therapy appt right after my massage.  I will be tired.  It will work itself out.
It always does, right?

I edited some pictures of our dogs.  Both are adorable.  We are blessed they are such good dogs.

From there I ended up on the LDS.org website.  I had no real intent of looking anything up.  Or finding anything that would speak volumes to me.  It is as I mentioned....in the middle of the night.  Don't know about you, but my brain doesn't comprehend things very well at 1-2-3 am. 

General Conference was a few weeks ago.  I've not seen the Conference talks.  Nor have I read them.  I will be honest and I rarely watch or read the talks.  UNLESS...and here is the kicker....UNLESS someone tells me or I see on another blog that there is a specific highlight or special speaker that I just have to read/listen to.

That being said, I've not read any special comments about the latest conference talks.  And if I have, I've not remembered it.

Truly my Father in Heaven was guiding my fingers this evening as I skimmed over this talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtorf.  I've read/heard things from him before.  All which have spoke volumes to my heart.  As I sit here this evening/early morning (whatever you call it)  reading and then listening (bc sometimes hearing their beautiful voices is important, too) tears stung my face as I tried to soak in his words.

You don't have to be LDS/Morman to soak in his goodness. You don't have to have 100% the same beliefs.  You just need to believe there is a higher being.  Who loves you.  Who will not forget you! 

The following portion of his talk truly brought me to my knees.  I struggle a great deal with remembering...I am not alone, nor am I forgotten.
(This can be found near the end of his talk)

Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you.

As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.

Years later I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now—I was never forgotten.

And I know something else: as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart—neither are you!

You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.

The Psalmist wrote:

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”⁵

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.

My dear Relief Society sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. Continue to increase in faith and personal righteousness. Accept the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as your way of life. Cherish the gift of activity in this great and true Church. Treasure the gift of service in the blessed organization of Relief Society. Continue to strengthen homes and families. Continue to seek out and help others who need your and the Lord’s help.

Sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. I hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. Please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you.