Well, they have!! Right off into the muddy flipping waters of life and all it has to offer.
I would love to compose a post describing how there have been several days, in which I've felt fairly well. As in....sure...I am a great mother and wife and not taking up space on this earth.."
That is not happening today. Probably not tomorrow or the next day. I could be hopeful and say "sure, I will snap out of this funk and life will be great". Reality is...this is life and it is part of me.
Earlier in the week, I received test results back from my drs office. I was very optimistic prior to getting the lab tests back. One could probably say, this was the first shoe that dropped.
That morning I blogged, I might just stay in bed. I didn't. I got up. Despite the frustration. Despite the udder feeling of complete despair. I spent the day editing portraits that I had taken over the weekend. I made it to the d.bt class that I've been attending. Barely, but I got there.
Then the next day my work schedule was grueling. Very grueling. I made it to the end of the day, all almost 12 hours of it, with the thought that the following day I would have a much lighter day, because that is usually what happens in my work. One large day of 12 hrs and the following only a couple hours and in some cases NO work.
I came home Tuesday night, trying to keep my head high. Trying to say "it will be okay". In reality, the thoughts racing in my head were saying so much different. SO.VERY.MUCH.DIFFERENT. Knowing what my work day on Wednesday was going to entail, I was less than hopeful.
Wednesday....the other shoe dropped. A phone call that revealed some things that were extremely hard to digest. I am not going to sugar coat anything. There were moments which I felt so incredibly hopeless and filled with extreme guilt and grief...I had no clue why I should continue on. As I sat at work on a few moment break, the racing thoughts and suicidal ideations were pretty damn strong. And in those desperate and horrible moments.and..I got a text from one of my children. Reminded once again, why....I continue on.
It sucks. It sucks giant effing donkey balls.
As the week continued on I have tried day-after-day to get back up...again and again.....and over and over it has been nothing but.......shoe drop....after shoe drop.
With the last shoe smacking me right in the smack in the face on Saturday morning.
I sat in a Mc.D's parking lost yesterday morning approx. 65 miles from my home. Unable to move. Unable to do anything. Unaware of the fact that I was blocking traffic. Unaware of anything around me. As I sat in my car.....trying to catch my breath and attempt to regroup....I sent my dh a txt. "Sitn in D_ McD's parking lot. I can't believe how TALL __ has gotten....jst seen him go into McD's"
There have been many lows the last few days/weeks/months. The low (Blow) that I felt yesterday was one that has not hit in a long time. I was able to regroup and continue on w/my day. I had an appt I needed to attend. There was no way that I could cancel. And so, I pulled myself together...stuffed those raw, painful, and truly overwhelming memories/guilt/shame/grief....deep down. WAY down deep. Because, I had no choice but to continue on with my day!
I drove home....blaring Pink's F*cking P.erfect. There were not enough Kleenex in the box I keep in my car.
Today...I sit. TV playing for background noice. Unable to concentrate with out thinking about yesterday mornings events. Irritated as all get out at my husband for starting a very large project with very little man power. We don't have the ability to have this project NOT finished this weekend. Here it is...4pm on Sunday evening and there are 4 posts cemented into our yard. We need many more posts cemented AND the rest of this project FINISHED before next Saturday.