Friday, August 26, 2011

holding on...

If vulgar language is offiensive to you, if you do not like to hear or read vulgar language from a ladies mouth/writing, then I suggest you leave at this very second.  Because this is my blog.  These are my thoughts.  This for me.  Not for you.  And if you don't like it...tough can leave. that out of the way!

Depression rules a persons thinking.
Anxiety can rule a persons thinking.

Why do I have these fucked up thoughts? 
Why do they have to rule my days? 
Why do they need to take over everything.  They are disgusting.  They are overwhelming.  They are distressing. 
They rule my life or my thought process.
I look at every person at work and think that they must know....they must know of my inner most darkest secrets. 
Customer snaps at another customer. I snap at customer.  We have a bit of a discussion. I may or may not have told her to shut the fuck up or leave.  Needless to say she left. And I am certain I will have a complaint in my box. 
Another co-worker does something really stupid.  I snap.  Calling him a fucking idiot.  Outloud.  For others to hear in plain ear shot.

I come home from work.  Tear soaked cheeks.
The missionaries are standing in my yard. I am pretty sure I throw out the f- bomb a few more times.
I left for work at 4:15am and it is now 6:52 pm.
I'm fucking tired and I don't want company.
My nephew zips around the corner on a scooter.  Fuck shit damn wth is the little snot doing at my house.
I don't give a shit. I'm tired.
I walk in the house.  My dinner is not done. I'm pissed.  Say fuck it I won't eat anything bc reality is I'm in to pissy of a mood.

These thoughts, the intrusive you should just keep on driving off into the sunset or off a mountain - except there are no mountains where I live.....they are constant. 

I know that normal people don't think like this.
I know that normal people, even those who battle with depression, they don't think like this. 

And then I tell myself to fuck off and shut up bc who cares about normal people.  Normal people suck.

This sucks.  Oh my head this fucking sucks. 
I told you if you don't like vulgar language to leave.
I don't want sympathy. I'm not writing this for sympathy.  Hoping that a brain dump will be some sort of help.

These thoughts. They continue to suck the life right out of me.
I,  for whatever reason, was blessed with these unfortunate fucking genes. 

And then add into those wonderful genes is a childhood that I thought for many years, was wonderful.
Except the bio/birth father shit.  Yeah, thats fucked up.  This blows. It really fucking blows.
The intrusive thoughts, they don't help when I have bio family calling me.  Oddly enough, I have put my phone down.  I have told bio gpa to shut it off. i have nothing positive or even nice to say about his son.  He's old. He doesn't get it.  He doesn't get that days like today, it is nothing short of a fucking miracle that I don't drive off a mountain.  Except, there are no mountains. 

I hate this. I hate it with every fiber of my being.  It is all consuming.  And it sucks.  I can't touch it. I can feel it. damn it all to hell and back. 

I can only hold on. Every once in a while stop and regain my composure.  Hold on tighter.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  It isn't even a one day at a time.  It is a second at a time during the current hour.

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