Thankfulness Project Monday

It's Monday....

Which means it is THANKFULNESS PROJECT MONDAY.

GRACE:  I am thankful for the Lord's Grace.  Plain, cut, simple and dry.  The last week has been rather ugly.  And at the end of the day it is His grace and tender mercies that I try hard to find comfort in.

Soul Sisters:  I am quite certain this is going to be an ongoing part of my Thankfulness Project Monday post.  It brings me to tears every.single time I think about it.  This coming holiday weekend, I'm pretty certain I will be traveling about 5-6 hours to go visit one of the sweet soul sisters.  I couldn't be more excited.  I hope and pray that everything works out and I am able to make that trip.  We need to just sit and be!  Maybe even find some good finds at a thrift shop or two.  Oh' how I wish some of the other Soul Sisters could join us.  Soon though...I think we will be making a plan to see others if at all possible.



New Day

And for that I am thankful!

Little Bit of This-That...Self-Therapy Post (LONG)

I'm in need of a little therapy right now.
It is late on Sunday evening.
I don't feel like bothering anyone, my therapist office is closed (and quite honestly she/they are the very last people I want to speak to anyway), and so as one child is off in the family room watching heaven only knows what, my dh is reading 'back to school information for the new school our children will be attending' and another child sits next to me playing a hunting game on his hand held game....along with tv blaring some idiotic show. 
I'm depressed.  If you hadn't figured that out already by a few of the previous posts.

Sleep deprivation often leads anxiety and then leads to depression for me.  This week sleep and I have not been very good friends.  I've cursed more in the wee hours of the am than I have in a long time.  I've shed more tears in the early morning hours than I have in a long time.

I'm tired.  I want to take a week off work.  I want to stay in bed the entire time.  I want to take a very hot bubble bath and cry the entire time.   I sit on my computer and do nothing productive as a way to zone out. 

I need to eat healthier. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. I need to cut out sugars completely out of my life. I need to drink less diet soda.  I need to drink more water.  I need to take my vitamins. I need to give myself a B12 shot.  I need to do so much more on the self care spectrum.  I don't want to. I dont' want to do one damn thing of anything.  Just a few of the things I know I NEED to be doing....but don't WANT to.

I had hoped that the treatments I received earlier in the summer would be more helpful in this department.  Reality is I know it doesn't fix or even help the root of what is going on. 

I really needed to nip this in the bud earlier in the week before it got out of control.  I'm beyond knowing what I should do.

I may just have to give out an award to anyone who gets to the end of this choppy and rambling post. 

I'm burned out.  I'm tired. I'm sick of my job.  I hate my job.  I'm sure those reading this will say I should be thankful I have a job.  I am thankful I have a job.  That doesn't mean I can't hate my job.  I love what I do for a living.  I really do.  I've actually been doing this type of work on various levels for 11 years.  However, the intensity in this particular job can be overwhelming.  The people suck.  They are idiotic.  They are un-greatful.  They are full of entitlement.  They drive me to want to drink myself to sleep.  Only I've never had a drink in my life.  I need a vacation.  I only had a 'lil' vacation this year in March.  For 4 days.  It was wonderful.  But it wasn't a true blue vacation.  I've not been able to go on a vacation or take an extended amount of time off work because I've been sick.  I've used nearly 3 weeks of vacation and more unpaid time off since March...and most all was because I have been sick.  It is no wonder I'm burned out.

It is hard to put on a happy face and continue on working.  Reality is all I want to do is cry.  The really sad part is I have no real reason to cry.  I think I am putting on a happy face.  Specially when I am working.  When I was working on Friday afternoon something happened and I had to have a face-to-face with one of my supervisors.  I thought I was appearing to be happy and in an okay mood...  Yesterday after I got off work and was reporting in before I left for the day he mentioned that I looked like I was having a bad day on Friday.  Really?  Are you serious? Because...I REALLY thought I had put on that poker face.  Screw it.  Why try when I'm obviously not doing a very good job.

The positive part of my day yesterday was hearing the sweet and tender voice of one of my soul sisters.  What a blessing it was.  Little 20-30 min. conversation about this/that but enough to know that I'm not alone.

A new day....

And i can only hope and pray it goes by quickly.  Working till mid afternoon. 

Received a few comments with personal info attached re last post.  I will not approve comments that a: name me by name or have your personal email unless u approve beforehand.

Thank you fof your concern.  I am ok.  Some days are a tad overwhelming and yesterday just happened to be the grunt of all evil.

holding on...



If vulgar language is offiensive to you, if you do not like to hear or read vulgar language from a ladies mouth/writing, then I suggest you leave at this very second.  Because this is my blog.  These are my thoughts.  This for me.  Not for you.  And if you don't like it...tough shit...you can leave.  Whew...got that out of the way!

Depression rules a persons thinking.

Anxiety can rule a persons thinking.

Why do I have these fucked up thoughts? 

Why do they have to rule my days? 
Why do they need to take over everything.  They are disgusting.  They are overwhelming.  They are distressing. 

They rule my life or my thought process.

I look at every person at work and think that they must know....they must know of my inner most darkest secrets. 

Customer snaps at another customer. I snap at customer.  We have a bit of a discussion. I may or may not have told her to shut the fuck up or leave.  Needless to say she left. And I am certain I will have a complaint in my box. 
Another co-worker does something really stupid.  I snap.  Calling him a fucking idiot.  Outloud.  For others to hear in plain ear shot.

I come home from work.  Tear soaked cheeks.

The missionaries are standing in my yard. I am pretty sure I throw out the f- bomb a few more times.

I left for work at 4:15am and it is now 6:52 pm.

I'm fucking tired and I don't want company.

My nephew zips around the corner on a scooter.  Fuck shit damn wth is the little snot doing at my house.

I don't give a shit. I'm tired.
I walk in the house.  My dinner is not done. I'm pissed.  Say fuck it I won't eat anything bc reality is I'm in to pissy of a mood.

These thoughts, the intrusive you should just keep on driving off into the sunset or off a mountain - except there are no mountains where I live.....they are constant. 

I know that normal people don't think like this.

I know that normal people, even those who battle with depression, they don't think like this. 

And then I tell myself to fuck off and shut up bc who cares about normal people.  Normal people suck.

This sucks.  Oh my head this fucking sucks. 

I told you if you don't like vulgar language to leave.

I don't want sympathy. I'm not writing this for sympathy.  Hoping that a brain dump will be some sort of help.

These thoughts. They continue to suck the life right out of me.

I,  for whatever reason, was blessed with these unfortunate fucking genes. 

And then add into those wonderful genes is a childhood that I thought for many years, was wonderful.

Except the bio/birth father shit.  Yeah, thats fucked up.  This blows. It really fucking blows.

The intrusive thoughts, they don't help when I have bio family calling me.  Oddly enough, I have put my phone down.  I have told bio gpa to shut it off. i have nothing positive or even nice to say about his son.  He's old. He doesn't get it.  He doesn't get that days like today, it is nothing short of a fucking miracle that I don't drive off a mountain.  Except, there are no mountains. 

I hate this. I hate it with every fiber of my being.  It is all consuming.  And it sucks.  I can't touch it. I can feel it. damn it all to hell and back. 

I can only hold on. Every once in a while stop and regain my composure.  Hold on tighter.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  It isn't even a one day at a time.  It is a second at a time during the current hour.

I cud use..

...a xanax right abt now! 
...just sayin'!

I don't have any or I am sure I would make sure to take one..or two.....or ten!

~There Are No Words~

...to adaquetly describe the thoughts and feelings I have when I look at this picture.

To the general reader....

it is just another picture. 

Edited in a Yesteryear.  Sun shinning brightly and reflecting off the metal structure that it is.

To myself....

...it is something far greater. 
...it is something that reminds me that regardless of how I might think or feel TODAY....

I am NOT Alone.
You are NOT Alone.

Just as the ferris wheel goes up and down...

...so does life. 

Sometimes the ride is bumpy.

Sometimes the ride is smooth.

Sometimes the ride is so bumpy you pray it will end.

Sometimes the ride is so smooth you pray it will never end.

 

I

You Are Enough

It is no secret I struggle on a daily basis with being enough on many different levels of life.

Today happens to be one of those days. Probably, one of the worst I've had in a very long time.
I've been blog surfing for several hours. Laying in bed trying to find something that would speak volumes to the anxiety, tears, thoughts and feelings of failure that have taken me to my knees today.

The last few weeks I've been able shut out the spinning thoughts and craziness making that comes with being at this point by having a massage. Not that the massage itself fixes or takes it all away. Instead, gives me 90 minutes to take away everything else, shut the you are not enough and so much more off. Completely off. It has taken me finding a new massage therapist, who is intimately intune with my anxiety and fears and who follow my bodies and the energy it gives to her.

I have a few different Positive and Uplifting blogs I like to surf.

The above video was found on Owning Pink.

~You Are Enough~

Much easier said....than believing.

Thankfulness Project Monday

Last Monday I wrote about the Thankfulness Project Monday that Musings of a Counselor writes every week.

Here are the things I am THANKFUL for this WEEK:

**I am thankful for EACH of my Soul Sisters!  It is often hard to be thankful for the situation that brought us together. So many of these wonderful mothers I do not know intimately.  Regardless, our hearts hold a dear place with each other.

**I am thankful for the opportunity my family had to spend nearly 2 days in the Windy City.  For beautiful blue skies.  For beautiful frienships made stronger.  For the opportunity to find peace and comfort...among our trials. For the opportunity to just be!!

My list is a lil short tonight.  For many different reasons.  There were several moments this week where I was able to notice and see how incredible blessed I am.  Regardless of the ability to seek these moments out, recognize them, and name them....there is still one thing that remains the same and the struggle to fight that battle every single day....can become tiring.  I needed the break I had this weekend more than I could have ever imagined.  And for that....I am thankful!



No words.....

...to accurately describe.

Nothing profound..

Soul Sisters far deeper than our connection via adoption.
Soul Sisters who truly share a kindred heart and soul.

Two families came together this weekend.  Never having met each other before.

Orchestrated by luck, love, and fate.

There will be more trips to Chi-town in both of our futures I am certain of that.

*picture is a mobile pic from the bottom of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel....Sun shinning brightly and keeping our hearts full!

Blog Stats

I'm curious....

Ive had SEVERAL visits from Romeoville or an ISP address that is from there in the last few days.

I don't care.  Just curious.

Leave me a comment who you are...I approve all comments and will not approve if if you wish to very annon. 

I also go to Romeoville a few times a year.  Loved the area to be honest. 

Curiosity is all...

BEST KIND of THERAPY!

Impromptu road trip to see one of your soul sisters!

Chicago may never be the same.

I went to bed and woke up rather stressed about getting hurt last night at work.  Visit to tue Dr confirmed what I knew....I am going to hurt like a mother heffer.  And no work for today and tmw.  I have Monday and Tuesday off. 

My husband joked to bad we didn't plan on going to see this lady and her family before....

We discussed Chicago for a road trip.  We discussed going to her hometown.  End result...we are headed to Chicago tonight and in 2 weeks we will PRAY i can get off work and head to see this family again!!

So excited.....and SORE!!

Wasn't Meant to Be

I worked late last night and had to be back early this am.  Going on less than 5 hours of sleep, I decided to push the envelope a bit and accept an overtime shift this evening. I'm scheduled to work (albiet I'm oncall) for tmw.

Anything after 7-8 pm this evening would be OT and then everything I would be offered tmw would be OT.
It is no secret in my place of employment that, I am not a big overtime person.  I don't want to be forced to work over 40 hrs per week.  It is pretty well known that I will turn down ALL work that is over my initial 13.5 spread bc reality is.....I value my sanity and working long hours isn't always the best for my mental health.  Specially, if I am super tired.  Lack of sleep = increase of anxiety/depression = not a good match.

I sat at work on-call for 6 hours today.  About 30 minutes before I was going to be released to come home and piece of work came in that I could turn down.  I did the math and figured out that I could easily make some easy money and work till 11pm tonight.  So I accepted it...kind of.

Shortly after I accepted the piece of work, while on my way out of the building...down I went.  A$$ over teacup!!  Let's just say....I'm a tad bruised.  And experience tells me that "tmw" always proves to be worse than the first day. 

As I spoke w/my mother she reminded me "_ it wasn't meant to be for you to work that shift.  SOMETHING could/would happen other than you falling....you were not supposed to work that shift".

Sure wish I didn't have to fall in order to learn that lesson!

 'Be still and know that I am God' Psalm 46:10



Last last night, the very last FB status I read was from a fellow Soul Sister: 

"Be still and know that I am God"  Psalm 46:10 

This morning my day started very early.  There is something about stepping in dog crap at 4:00am that really just does not bode very well with how your day may/may not go. However, it is what it is and more importantly at 4:00am there really is no coherant thought process and waking the sleeping dog who decided to use your hardwood floor as a bathroom was just not an option bc he would just not care.  So, I cleaned up the mess.  Grumbling under my breathe.  Added a few curse words and left the house by 4:30am sharp....which was my goal. 

As I was driving to work.....there were an abundant of tears that came my way.  No apparent reason.  (I know...I know....I'm sure there is a reason.  But in my tired mindset...I was unable to figure it out and still haven't been able to)   I remembered reading GB's mommy's message on FB last night. 

I'm working a split shift today (like most days) and had to come home in between shifts.  My dh has a biopsy of his prostate this morning and I don't want the kids home alone for more than a few hours.  They can be home alone for a few hours when I go back to work after lunch.  As I was coming home this morning, again...the tears were abudant.  Thinking about the reasons and such behind my dh's biopsy...it was very clear to me that once again....I need to be still...and know that HE is God!

Kids are out on the trampoline.  The dog wants a treat. DH leaves for his appt.  And I sit down to read a few blogs.  I've got several blogs in my reader.  I've also got several blogs I don't read regularly and usually notice when they update on my sidebar.  And that....I did.  Noticed that a fellow blogger posted...and so I followed the link to her blog........"Monkeys in a Gymnasium with Fireworks".

Be Still and know that I am God!!

Obviously, my Father in Heaven has given me this sweet reminder more than once last night/this morning because I truly need to remember that I need to do all that I can and leave the rest to Him.

Keep FLOWING

Keep FLOWING!

We can learn a valuable lesson from the pleasant little stream that wastes little time worrying about any obstacles placed in its path; it simply keeps flowing and soon a new course reveals itself and the stream splashes merrily on its way! Remember that resistance to what IS often tends to dam our progress .

Change/typo

My last post had a typo.  Ive changed it to say....

THERAPY should NOT be comfortable.

I will add....

Often I find myself in a conferable spot.  And I'm not trying to be flippant abt the situation I get and understand where J is coming from.  I also know that in this particular situation....changing it wouldn't be good.  And even though at times I wonder.

More on this subject another time.

Agree to Disagree

Updated to say.... therapy should NOT....BE COMFORTABLE.

There have been many lil things turned large over the blogging world the last few months.  It is going to happen.  There are things that I say or do that you will cringe and think "wth is she thinking?"  And the same thing back and forth.

This happens often in my daily life.  With my husband...daily.  My mother...hourly.  This is the beauty of human nature.  As adults..we can often agree....to...disagree.

Today, I found myself in a situation with my therapist (and I know she reads this blog from time to time) where I had to do this very thing.

I can and do respect J- and often when I see her I may not agree or LIKE what she has to say or suggests.  That is okay.  Therapy should be not comfortable.

I'm pretty certain J has a very valid point.  And in most cases/friendships I would probably agree with her eventually.   As I left her office today the ol' saying popped back into my head..."- u need to agree....to disagree."

So...that is my lesson for today. 

Agree.....to disagree!!

Thankfulness Project Monday

Sometime ago I came across this blog:  Musings of a Counselor and have been following her ever since.  I'm inspired by the positive outlook and leash on life that the posts prevail.  Always giving me something to think about.

Today....her topic is "Thankfulness Project Monday"  Click on the link to check it out. 

Here is my shot at the "Thankfulness Project Monday"

Children:  My children are the reason I get up every.single.day regardless of how bad I am truly feeling.  This last week, we celebreated both of their birthdays.  I'm continue to amuse myself at how beautiful each of these two individuals are.  As frustrating as parenting can be.  It is equally (if not more) rewarding.  I'm so blessed by their special spirits.  Their resiliant hearts and personalities.  I'm thankful that they have blessed my life and continue to do so!

Mango Peach Salsa:  It is my new drug of choice.  We recently bought a house.  Our realitors "thank you"  to us was to throw an Open House Party.  We combined it with our childrens bd parties and I lost count at 40 people/children who were at our home on Saturday.  S* brought all the food and drinks.  She brought LOTS of Mango Peach Salsa.  I've never had it. I never tried it on Saturday.  Honestly, the only thing I ate while we had company was the frosting off the knife (as I put it in the sink), a pork sandwhich and lots of M&M's (bc they were easy to eat and visit and keep track of several children jumping on a trampoline.  That evening, I had some of the Salsa.  My mouth is sore.  I've had a tad TO MUCH salsa.  Right now...as I am typing this...I have a bowl sitting beside me.  No chips.  Just mango peach salsa.

Shoes:  I'm so thankful that my familyy has the ability to provide my children with shoes.  Many families don't.  As frustrated and irratated as I was about having to go shoe shopping this morning.  I am lucky that I can have this opportunity.  There have been many different times in the past that I could not buy my children 2 pair of shoes from our favorite small (VERY SMALL) town personal shoe shop.  (THe owner is awesome. People come from all over the country to 'see' this lil-BIG store and their wonderful prices).  I'm thankful that I was able to let my children each purchase 2 pair of shoes that they wanted and not have to worry about how I was going to pay for them.  I also bought myself a new pair of D.ansko's...I'm a D.ansko and K.een freek.

Home: I'm blessed to have the home that I have.  It is peaceful.  It is quiet.  It is warm. It is inviting.  It is mine.  After having to nearly foreclose on a home 6 years ago, renting for many years before the purchase of that home and renting for the last 6 yrs....I'm blessed to have the home I have.  And now...more than ever before....I don't want to leave my home!!  Ever!

Thanks Musings of A Counselor for your sweet inspirations each week!

I'm not doing.....

My husband seemed to think that waking me up bright and early (before noon) was needed today.  I, on the other hand, was not to impressed with his bright ideas to go shoe shopping for school. 

Things didn't go so smooth.  I laid in bed, texted a friend my irratation w/dh and his bright ideas to get me out of bed EARLY and covered my head w/the comforter.  And prayed he would get the h* out of the house....becuase I could feel an epic meltdown working its way to the surface. 

I had no goals today.

In fact.  I did have 2 goals.  The first, I accomplished yesterday after I got off work.  That was a promise that I would take my kids to Targ'et to spend the $100+ they received in BD gift cards to this lovely big box store.  I initially had mentioned I would take them today, Monday.  Then, last night I had a '2nd wind' after coming home from work and said "I don't care that it is Sunday....I am not doing sh*t tmw.... and I'm getting it done today".

I did not want to stay in bed because I was super depressed, anxious, suicidal, homicidal (ok...it came close to getting ugly when the man wouldn't leave me the freek alone....the comforter over my head was a sigh he better leave...I think)....I just didn't want.to.be.bothered!!

Nearly 'work day' I have to get up between 3:30-4:30am.  I'm not a nice person that time in the morning.  And often times I don't get off or home from work until 6:30-7:30pm.  Every once in a while....as in TODAY.....I had plans of doing SH*T!! 

I did get up....with in minutes of him leaving.  I showered. I did not do my hair. I sat in a tank top and capris on my laptop.  He comes home and starts riding me like flies on sh*t...to leave. WTH!! 

My mini-melt-down wasn't so bad...I think.

I gave in and went shoe shopping. 

This is the thing....self care is important.  I knew that I needed to do sh*t today.  And I tried to say it in a way that was 'nice'.  I tried to use some of that therapy babble that J* discusses w/me all the time.  She would be proud.  Well, maybe not....but she would atleast know that I do *listen* once in a great moon.  "I....I...I...you know those I......statements that are so crucial".  And I even told him in a manner that didnt' involve me swearing or getting mad.  Well, that is partially true.  After HE didn't hear what I was trying to say...as in I AM DOING SH*T TODAY.....it got a tad more not very theraputic on my part...and I'm sure she will have something to say that will tell me I could have done it differently.

I will declare Tuesday a...

"I'm not doing sh*t day"....except I do have a therapy appt and a massage!

Wishing I Didnt Understand.....

But I do.

This afternoon while sitting at work I read a FB status from a dear friend of mine.  I was brought to my knees and there were no words I could say to take away her pain.

Her status was simple.  Yet said so much.  "Grandma and grandpa will miss you, __.  I knew then why she had tried to call me the last 2 days, several times.  I have worked crazy hours and not had the best of few days myself.  Even though, I had called one friend yesterday to check in on her and how she was feeling....I have not called or returned calls in days.

I knew when I called my friend back there would be no words that could take away the deep pain she was feeling.

As I listened to her sob and ask over and over...why....I wondered myself..

Why!!

Why does suicide have to happen?
Why does mental health have to come with such horrible stigmas?
Why the hell did my friend have to loose her grandson?

She said to me, "-, I know you know what it is like to get to that dark place.  I can't figure out.

WHY!!!

I had not answers.
Nothing profound.
I had nothing to offer.

All I could say in response is....I understand.  I WISH I DIDNT. It is so effed up.  And it sucks.  For you.  For your husband.  For your daughter.  For your grandson.  Sorry isn't good enough.  Sorry doesn't take away or answer anything.  And for that my friend....I AM SO IMCREDIBLE SORRY!

Tonight,  I will hug my daughter a little tighter.
Tonight, I will hug my son a little tighter.
Tonight, I will try to remember to re-read this post and recall the pain and emotion I heard from my dear friend and pray in those moments of darkness, I can remember my dear friends pain. 

I LOVE YOU DARLING!!! 

"Waiting for shoe to drop....or both pair?"

Well, they have!!  Right off into the muddy flipping waters of life and all it has to offer.


I would love to compose a post describing how there have been several days, in which I've felt fairly well.  As in....sure...I am a great mother and wife and not taking up space on this earth.."

That is not happening today.  Probably not tomorrow or the next day.  I could be hopeful and say "sure, I will snap out of this funk and life will be great".  Reality is...this is life and it is part of me.

Earlier in the week, I received test results back from my drs office.  I was very optimistic prior to getting the lab tests back.  One could probably say, this was the first shoe that dropped.

That morning I blogged, I might just stay in bed.  I didn't. I got up. Despite the frustration.  Despite the udder feeling of complete despair.  I spent the day editing portraits that I had taken over the weekend. I made it to the d.bt class that I've been attending.  Barely, but I got there.

Then the next day my work schedule was grueling.  Very grueling.  I made it to the end of the day, all almost 12 hours of it, with the thought that the following day I would have a much lighter day, because that is usually what happens in my work.  One large day of 12 hrs and the following only a couple hours and in some cases NO work. 

I came home Tuesday night, trying to keep my head high. Trying to say "it will be okay".  In reality, the thoughts racing in my head were saying so much different.  SO.VERY.MUCH.DIFFERENT.  Knowing what my work day on Wednesday was going to entail, I was less than hopeful.

Wednesday....the other shoe dropped.  A phone call that revealed some things that were extremely hard to digest.  I am not going to sugar coat anything.  There were moments which I felt so incredibly hopeless and  filled with extreme guilt and grief...I had no clue why I should continue on.  As I sat at work on a few moment break, the racing thoughts and suicidal ideations were pretty damn strong.  And in those desperate and horrible moments.and..I got a text from one of my children.  Reminded once again, why....I continue on. 

It sucks.  It sucks giant effing donkey balls.

As the week continued on I have tried day-after-day to get back up...again and again.....and over and over it has been nothing but.......shoe drop....after shoe drop. 

With the last shoe smacking me right in the smack in the face on Saturday morning.  

I sat in a Mc.D's parking lost yesterday morning approx. 65 miles from my home.  Unable to move.  Unable to do anything.  Unaware of the fact that I was blocking traffic.  Unaware of anything around me.  As I sat in my car.....trying to catch my breath and attempt to regroup....I sent my dh a txt.  "Sitn in D_ McD's parking lot.  I can't believe how TALL __ has gotten....jst seen him go into McD's"  

There have been many lows the last few days/weeks/months.  The low (Blow) that I felt yesterday was one that has not hit in a long time.  I was able to regroup and continue on w/my day.  I had an appt I needed to attend.  There was no way that I could cancel.  And so, I pulled myself together...stuffed those raw, painful, and truly overwhelming memories/guilt/shame/grief....deep down.  WAY down deep.  Because, I had no choice but to continue on with my day!

I drove home....blaring Pink's F*cking P.erfect.  There were not enough Kleenex in the box I keep in my car.

Today...I sit.  TV playing for background noice.  Unable to concentrate with out thinking about yesterday mornings events.  Irritated as all get out at my husband for starting a very large project with very little man power.  We don't have the ability to have this project NOT finished this weekend.  Here it is...4pm on Sunday evening and there are 4 posts cemented into our yard.  We need many more posts cemented AND the rest of this project FINISHED before next Saturday. 

How Can I Get Off The Escalator?

This is/was the topic in the d.bt group I am attending.  Because it was such a hot topic last week, the facilitators decided to extend it a week.  Which is good, I guess, for me bc last week I did not go to the group.  I could not bare the thought of going, let alone leaving the house.

The first page of the handout diagrams "why do i keep....."
Cutting, drinking, yelling, ect.

Goes on to say for every BEHAVIOR their equals a REWARD.

EXAMPLE:
You work....you get paid.
You garden...you get flowers and veggies.
You have panic attack...you get attention n compassion.
You cut...you get physical/emotional relief.

And the list goes on and on.

For every temporary reward there is a long-term cost/danger.

I, for one, can understand and relate with this aspect.

I, don't fully agree, with the first part of this.

Sure, I have my outbursts and say things I regret. Sure, that brings with it, attention.

However, more and more....I AM the ONLY person that knows...

*I am having full blown panic attack
*I am in a really ROUGH patch.

I am struggling with the homework portion of this weeks assignment.

Naming a emotion/thought and listing the behavior...then the reward for that behavior and the how the behavior might bee repeated.

I am sure those around me may be able to figure this out.  I,  not so much.

Defeated

Wow!  As I lay in bed....at 9:45am...i am choking back tears.  Just momets away from getting up, I got an email from my Drs office with a note and the results of my lab work.

I will be staying in bed a tad longer.
Hell maybe I will not even get up today.