Start.Stop.Start.Stop

rinse, lather, repeat.

I've started several times in the last week blog posts.

Each time...I've started.  And then stopped.  For whatever reason.

Not much blog worthy.  Only reason I'm blogging tonight is for my "own" ability to look back.  Check in.  See the difference or lack there of.

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While listening to a commercial from local news station tonight I 'glanced' and saw someone I knew.  I nearly fell off the couch.  My dh nearly had a kiniption fit as I told him over and over "back that up...stop...OMG....that is _____"  He wasn't impressed.  Nor was I.  But he was less impressed on how "this person triggered a really bad response" in me. 

I've not been able to shake it.  I needed to see the segment to know if it truly was this person.  I wish I could say it wasn't bothersome to me.  I had an instant headache come on.  I literally threw up several times and was unable to read what the article was on.  Which btw: I REALLY am very supportive of. 

I've not mentioned much on here about a rather difficult time in my life where I was hospitalized.  This person played a very large role in it.  She triangulated between my dh and I.  She claimed to be a very good friend.  Claimed that I was her best friend.  And yet, she betrayed me in a way that was rather traumatic.  She triangulated between my BFF and I.  It wasn't until she dropped her child off at my BFF's house and was clearly high on drugs that my BFF cut the cord w/her. And so did I.  There was something else that happened shortly there after that again sent me for a really bad tailspin. 

Needless to say......this was a rather shock seeing her in the news and what the segment was on and having her family be a part of it.  PUKE!

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Friday will be my first big day back to work since the accident a week ago.  I did work a long day last Friday. However, most of that was oncall.  And so was Sunday.  I've got nearly a 12 hr day tmw.  And I"m not looking fwd to it.  Who would. 

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I went back to the massage therapist I've seen a few different times.  Actually today was the 3 or 4rth time I've seen her.  It is very interesting to have such a different type of massage.   This person really follows her intuition and goes w/that flow.  Her light touch was very much appreciated today.  However, sometimes I think deep tissue/touch is just as good.  I've got some thoughts on the differences and how it relates to triggers, anxiety, past traumas, ect ect.  Sometime when I'm able to gather those thoughts and put them all in one place that makes sense...I will post it. 

Sadness

There is a deep sadness in my heart this evening.  Tragic and freak accident that involved a close friend and co-worker.  Her life will be forever changed...

The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity.

I'm praying for peace.  For understanding.  For guidance.   And so much more.

I'm due to go back to work tmw.  I didn't work today due to a medical procedure that involved VERY RARE complication.  I have had a significant melt down s few different times tonight as i bear the thought of returning to work and facing the people of this city.

Somehow I will have to pull my big girl panties up and step back into that building.

I'm very hesitant to meet with tie critical response team.  Ive been told it is something that all employees shove had close contact with jet need to do.  I'm worried if I meet with them i will jot be able to work.

I'm angry.  Very very angry at this situation.  At the media. Omfg....at the media.  At fellow employees.

And...at the Dr who put a picc line threw an arterial vein/vessel causing me to bleed uncontrollable for over an hour..

Raw and Choppy

There is no other way to describe it.

Simple Raw.
Simple Choppy.

Yesterday was a rather emotional day.  I had scheduled a  Dr appointments and a therapy appt.  Followed by a massage at the end of the 2 appts.  Then a date night at a very nice restraunt we had a gift certificate for.  Things didn't go as planned.  I left the first appt w/o receiving the treatment.  Then off to the other 2 appts.  I struggled to slow down my thoughts and emotions in order to get the most out of my massage.  From there I had to return to the clinic.  I left OVER 3 hrs later.

While there my aunt called.  She doesn't know how much her call meant. Soon as she said hi I burst into tears. 

The course of treatment is up in the air.  The nursing staff suggest hospitalization for 24-48 hrs or a picc line.

Ive got some thoughts swirling around re the new massage therapist i am seeing.  Again.....very raw!!  My therapist mentioned she could be intense. Ive kind of felt it.  Just not to the extent as i did yesterday.  VERY INTENSE. I'm not sure how to process some of the emotions and triggers.  A very different experience than ive had with other massages.

My hand (due to the treatment) is very swollen and bruised.  And typing is bothering me. 

Lost

Friends

I don't have to many friends tht live close by.  My bff has her share of issues and so as the whirlwinds come tumbling down rarely do i say much if anything.  I'm guessing shes learned that no calls = not doing so hot.

Several years ago i met a gal in a 'over 40' chat room.  I was not 30. But found myself agreat friend!  Her daughter lived with us for a few months.  I spent a month with her and my 2 yr old daughter.  We've seen each other only a handful of times in the last few years. 

Last night i took a therapeutic road trip to a much larger city and visited her while she was here for the night.  Wht a breathe of fresh air.  I miss her!!

It's Going To Be Alright

It's gonna be alright!!

A few months ago, Corey sent this to me or posted it on her blog. I can't remember. I'm thinking she posted it. Regardless, it spoke volumes to my heart. Over the last few months I've brought it back up on Y.outube and listened to it again....and again....and again!!

I don't know when or how it will be alright. I don't know that it is even for me to know. I've had many hard weeks over the last several months. I know deep down in my heart where most of that struggle has come from.

It isn't an easy fix. The whole is deep.

I had a few hours to myself today. Where I wasn't laying in bed.....or....working. I went to lunch...by myself. And spent 3 hours round trip in the car with me, myself, and I. During about an hour of that time I was able to toalk to one of the other lovely ladies....Soul Sisters....who was in Orlando this year. What a blessing in disguise it was.

Pressure points

Earlier this week after a Dr. Appt i had, I scheduled a massage.  I spent nearly 45 min in the car before trying to soak in the appt i had just had.  Blaring Pink's F*cking  Perfect on repeat.

The music change from Pink to soft massage therapy music.  But one thing you should know abt me is...i find comfort in both types of music.  H* the massage therapist, mentioned she has clients whom she plays music such as Pink
  It is a very different but energizing type of massage.  Interesting to me...I may have to check it out sometime.

Anyway....

A few times during my massage there were moments were I found 100% relief from every thing.  A release that ive not had in a VERY long time.  It is really hard to explain with out thinking I'm completely crazy.  When i saw this gal a few weeks earlier there were a few moments the same but nit as intense.  I would have to say maybe its because i was in a tad better place. 

I emailed someone last night as insomnia has taken up residence ...hate it.  She responded today with her holistic and professional experience.....it would maybe appear that these moments were I'm finding complete relief and also seem to check out ...are when the massage therapist works in areas of pressure points.  This would make sense.  Specially in my feet.  I hate my feet being touched.  BUT....IM TRYING SOMEONE NEW...and I WANF TO try and get the best experience and benefit i can with her.  So ive not said anything. 

I'm trying very hard to stay above water.  Today is not one that ive been able to accomplish much in that direction.  I came home from work and have been in bed since.

Its dark in my room...and...that is comforting at the moment.

One Mindful Activity

Homework Assignment:

Notice once each day what you are doing in that moment.....being mindful of what is around you...

Today...I had several moments where I tried very hard to be mindful of what was going on at that exact moment and where the thoughts/feelings were coming from.  The smells, the lighting, touch, breathing, ect ect.

This morning as I was working.  Trying very hard to not miss my turns.  Keep my thoughts on my work.  Not missing a turn.  Where the sun was at on the horizon.

This afternoon as I sat in a specialists office.  My blood pressure was 133/98.  High for me.  Normal is 100/70 ish.  Trying to slow my breathing.  Trying to recognize and be mindful of the anxiety associated with this particular appt and how I got there.  Not only listening to the words coming out of this drs mouths but watching her lips.  Every.last.word. 

Every.last.word.  And the treatment option, not the worst, not the best.  Is there really a best?  Hell to the No!

Then following that appt I had a massage scheduled.  I've found a new massage therapist.  Amazing.  I was rather early to this appointment.  So for 45 minutes I sat back in my car, proccessed what just took place at my dr appt, with F*cking Perfect by Pink blaring on repeat.  45 minutes of F*cking Perfect repeat.  At one point I became a tad parnoid the neighbors might get upset and so I turned the radio down. 

90 minute massage where I tried for every single minute to be in the moment...to gain as much relaxation and benefit as I could.  There were several moments where I found myself checking out.

And in some cases checking out during a massage can be beneficial I'm sure.  Checking out for me, in my current frame so to speak....is not really a good idea. 

I'm exhausted!

alone and terrified

...the only thing that is getting me through each day leading up to my dr. appt tmw is the thought that immediately after...I have a massage.  This could be a good or bad thing.  I'm hoping a good thing.

...if I could fast forward the next several hours/day I would.

...if I could just not get up.....I would choose that option.

...alone and terrified is beyond an understatement.

...I would rather just not get up in the morning.

Comfort Zone

Today I went out of my comfort zone.

Few months ago, my therapist discussed a new group a few of her co-workers were offering.  It is one that my doctor has suggested for me several times.  Because of insurances issues there was never one in our city or area that would be offered under our plan.  Well, that has changed.

The logical part of my brain and self says "hey you need to do this and so do it and shut the hell up".  So I am.

That doesn't make it any easier.  It might seem that I was somewhat eager to try this out.  I did contact 2 gals who are leading this group immediately.  However, I knew if I didn't do it as in...the VERY day (right after I left) my therapists office...I wouldn't do it. At all. Ever. And then we would continue the 'this is a good idea debate...".

Today was my first attempt at going.
Today may be the last attempt at going.

There is a work issue and because I'm adamant that my work not know about the group and/or why I'm requesting off every single week for the next several months at the exact same time.....I need to find a way that will offer me the confidential aspect of going vs needing a work note.

This small piece of the puzzle could very well be the reason why...I don't return.   Because, in reality.....the work portion has/is causing me a great deal of stress.

PTSD

...sucks giant donkey balls!!!

This weekend has been way to short.  And way to long.  All.in.one.

Really not one to say "oh yeah...this is all related to PTSD....and that is why x.y.z are ramping up with in my head, sleep, response to x.y.z...blah blah blah".

I will, however, say that at tis very moment.  As in this very day....it has been a day filled with significant ups and downs.

Because, I've blogged a tad about this before elsewhere and I care to keep this particular blog somewhat private....I will not state what happened.  IDK...maybe I could/should and it wouldnt' make to shits bit of different if I did.  Regadless, tonight is a rather tense evening in my home. 

Proccessing some of todays events will be forthcoming for many months/days/weeks I'm sure.  I can only hope and pray it will not bring a divide with in my marriage.  I've tried very hard to be sympathetic, loving, and open with the situation at hand.  At the same time, I can't always keep my snarky self, quiet.

I've been told by others a few different times that I would benefit from EMDR.  I don't believe (nor do I care to even find out) if my current therapist is experienced in this type of therapy.  It just is not something that has been on the top of my "you really need to do this bc it is awesome list". 

Picking up the pieces for sure.....and there will be and are....lots of pieces..broken pieces.

Tired

It is no secret that when I get over tired...I also get over sensative and especially depressed.  Given the current state health issues I'm dealing with it is no small wonder that I am able to get out of bed every day.  Add in being depressed and such and well....it.is.really.hard.  Then add in that most days my job requires that I report around 4:30-5:00 AM.  Somedays I'm working right away.  Sometimes I'm on call.  (Given the nature that this blog is still rather private...I will attempt to keep my actual profession undisclosed).  I'm guess that it won't be hard to figure out what I do for a living. However, I will not be outwardly announcing what I do.

Today, was a very long day.  This week...ended up being rather long.  Because of the holiday things were a bit different.  However, my hours sucked giant donkey balls...3 VERY long days.  Today my day started with my first report at 5:00am.  No work came available w/in my first few hours and I was released to go for 90 min. and had to come back and sit on call.  When work came to me (becuase it was 90 degrees on a pay day friday and many people called in sick) I was less than impressed.  It was close to a time when I was going to be released to go home for the day/weekend. 

I wasn't mentally prepared to go actually go out and work.  Sitting on call was fine with me.  The people I came into contact with were annoying as hell.  I wanted to bash my head against the wall.  On more than one occasion I had rather negative thoughts and let some of the things slip.  oooppppsss!!!

And when I get really tired, as I did this afternoon, the random and impulsive thoughts of no longer wanting to fight this battle, no longer wanting to continue on w/the fight....and in cases like today it truly is a 'fight for my life..."   

I called to be released from my work shift early.  I was told that there was not another person immediately available would I be able to hold out for a little bit longer.  Since, I wasn't sick so to say...to the geneeral population...I said sure.  I said I would call them back in 30 min. if I for sure needed to be released.  The more I thought about it I decided that I couldn't afford to take the time off.

And so began....

VERY deep breathing.  Inhale in....exhale out.  IN/OUT....over and over. 

Telling myself..."you can do anything for 1 hour. In 1 hr you will be at this point in your schedule...."  And then when that hour came/went....rinse and repeat. Over and Over....for 4 more hours.  It was tough.  Intense thoughts of being completely power-LESS to this bs that over takes my thinking and life at times. 

I hope and pray the intensity and frequency of the suicidal ideation that overtook my thinking today were clearly a result of being over-tired.  I hope and pray!!  Because, I know my body can't keep up w/the pace that this was at today.  One of the worst in a rather long time.  Actually, maybe not.....maybe it was just because I was working and so there was much more thinking time than usually.

Tonight, I am safe. In a room all by myself.  No husband.  My daughter is outside my room w/few of hter friends being silly. 

the Before

Last night I had a sometime where  I was able to write out  a post....a long one...about the Before.  Before , I came to this spot where depression and anxiety often kick my ass. It disappeared into cyber-space.

It is frustrating to me , to have this post gone off into cyber space.  

This post touched upon areas that I don't discuss, ever.  

Blessings