Up and down and Up and down...

Oh dear God...I'm about to loose my mind. I swear. I'm so damn tired of the up/down/up/down roller coaster.  Do you find it odd that I love roller coasters?  But hate this roller coaster.

Work is about as good as it will ever get.

However, work is about to go down hill for the time being because...I am on the downhill swing.

I'm very behind in my blog reading.

Not because I've been busy, have better things to do, or just haven't got to it.

Nope. None of those things.

I don't have it in me.

Regardless of the never ending 'you're not alone' montra. I"m alone. I am here in this cold friggn state. Alone.  Not one person that gets it.  Hell I don't get it.

Keeping my anxiety in control is a full time job.  And I am not sure how much longer I can keep the smile on my face and pretending all is well. (Montra).

Depression and Illness

~~Don't really go hand in hand.

That's all I got to say about that.  And to add to that...I'm pretty sure that just like antibiotics screw w/birth control (oh' how I'm glad I don't have to worry about that)...I'm pretty sure that it screws with antidepressants.

Just sayin'...

Before

There was a point before I was diagnosed with depression that I never ever thought about my thoughts or mind.  Then again, who does?  What somewhat normal person thinks about what they think?  Goes into a semi panic attack that his/her thoughts were not appropriate, they are going to lead to an anxiety attack, or in some cases (mine specifically) suicidal ideations become a rather every day part of life?  Really, I never imagined before that this would be an issue. 

A combination of meds and therapy have brought me to where I am today.  I do not really believe the meds do much.  I've improved a great deal in the last several years.  However, I don't believe it has anything to do with the meds.  I do believe it has much to do with an awesome therapist who has my back.  Who believes in me.  Who isn't just there to listen.

Often, life has continued on around me, while I am walking in my own little world. Trying desperately to hold on to that before that I have in my head.  It is something that my therapist has on several occasions wanted to know about.  Who were you before this all came about?

I really don't know...anymore.

I've lost that person I was B.E.F.O.R.E.

I want her back.

Scream - Can I? Really Loud?

this post was wrote a while back....posting it today bc it has been in my archives for a lil bit.


The last few days, I've completely shut down.  The only reason I've worked is because I have to. Or I will loose my job. As the main source of benies and income I can not afford to loose my job. 

I work. I come home. Sleep. Go back to work (split shifts). Come home. Go back to bed.  Rinse and repeat.  Few days ago on my day literally slept the entire day. I got up for an hour.  Then back to bed.   Up for an hour or two.  Then back to bed.

I'm a rather good typist.  I can type on a good day on the upward of 60-65 wpm.  Typing this post and in general the last few days, I've barely been able to get my thoughts/words out in a manner that is worth even attempting.

The world continues to spin and I continue to try to stop it. In my mind.  Concentration?  What the heck is that? I couldn't tell you. 

I've caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror a few times over the last few weeks.  It scares me.  Really, it does.  I dno't like what I see, my eyes are vacant and tired.  I've had a few coworkers call to  say "_what is going on? You don't look well?"  that just makes things worse.  I've cried.  Cried more than I could ever imagined.  I cried during our disruption, infertility years, and the worst of the worst w/our child before our child went to residential treatment.  Those were different tears. 

Often, recently....my thoughts are the worst.  they are thoughts that I can't really put on paper.  Becuase if I do. It terrifies me.  More than just the ideation thoughts I often have.  I know my body is safe. I know my husband and children are safe.  I know that if/when I just wait it out the reboot will come and go and I will be on my way to just being depressed and anxious instead of severely depressed and somewhat suicidal.  But Lord, it is draining.  Speaking of the Lord, I wish I could say that I was able to find comfort in that area of my life.  Not so much.  I guess, the mere fact that I'm still here. Still writing.  Still breathing. Still kicking.  Means that in some sort of crazy way my prayers have been answered.  That doesn't even sound right.  But it is what it is.

Often, I'm afraid if I open my mouth and start talking to those around me, I might scream.  I might cry.  I might scream that I'm loosing myself.  Then again, I can't stand to be around anyone.  It is emotionally and physically draining just being home and around my family.  Then going to work....that just does me in.  SO help me God.....there are moments where I just want to scream "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP".  Then again, I need to keep my job. So that is not an option. I only scream it in my beady lil head.

Today.....

....I got up.  Again. Not by choice. Not because I had to.  Not for any other reason than....I got up.

Early this morning my husband came and tried to wake me.  Asking me "are you going to get up and go to the grocery store with me or are you going to stay in bed?" I pretended I didn't hear and/or feel him touching me. I laid there. Silent. Wishing that he wouldn't have talked to me. Wishing that everything would just go away....dog barking, kids yelling and getting ready for school, constant chatter outside my bedroom door.  Nothing horrible.  Really, it wasn't.

Then there was a few angry barks from our little dog.  She's little. Very little.  Very fierce.  Severe separation anxiety...when my husband leaves.  I recognized the bark.  After 30 seconds she was quiet and back to wrestling w/the cats.

I rolled over and picked up my phone.  Deleted 9 out of 10 emails.  Read one.  The one from another online friend whom I've reached out to.  One that knows how deep this bout of depression has gone.  Re-read it.  Thought she was nuts if she thought I was going to talk to my husband.  And then rolled back over and closed my eyes in hopes of shutting out the world.

It didn't work.  The world continued to spin as it does. 

I thought for a split second I should call my psychiatrists office.  Remind them and ask again if she has any openings. Truth is, I don't want to see her. Yet, I know I need to.  We've had a long history.  Not always good.  Not always one where I feel like I can be honest and not have her hospitalize me.  Because, you know that is her job.

I saw my therapist yesterday.  She wanted to know the how deep and dark things are. What was spinning. I can't share it. I've not shared it. I wont repeat it. She mentioned, as she has many times over the last 3+ years, thoughts are thoughts. They don't get you hospitalized.  And continued to tell me that I could trust her by now and encouraged me to share w/her the depths of those thoughts.  This is where it gets cloudy.  As in really cloudy.  Because, in the past as in several years ago - I was hospitalized.  For the same thoughts that I have had yesterday, today, last week, ect ect.  So when I hear 'thoughts don't get you hospitalized.....actions do' I don't believe you. NOPE. I Don't.

Just so I'm clear. I don't need to be hospitalized.

Suicidal Ideation and I've been friends for 5+ years.  I am not sure when/where/why this bullshit has had to land with me.  But it has.  And I dont' like it. Not one. bit.  Reality is...I hate these downward spirals that leave me in such a deep dark depression where life would be so much better for those around me if I weren't around. Damn it all. It sucks.

So yeah today, I got up again. I scheduled a massage for noon-time.  I wish that I could say it was 100% wonderful.  It was.  However, I really really really needed my therapist to not be a Chatty Cathy today.  When you see someone as often as I've seen her in the past....as in every two weeks for 6+ months...you get to know each other and so forth.  I've cut back in my massages since November.  Actually, since November I've had 2 massages, including today.  And much has happened in both of our lives.  I've been struggling with this deep dark depression that has gotten worse and worse.  I didnt' share that w/her.  She seems to be struggling also.  I can't blame her.  Her fiance' of 2 plus years - left her. Then 4 weeks later the day after Christmas her mother passed away unexpected.  So yeah, she had a bit to say.  I tried to be nice and just respond in a caring...but short 'manner'.  I need another massage.  A very relaxing and Reiki centered massage.  VERY MUCH SOOOOOOOO.  If only my checkbook thought the same thing.

Interesting post....

from a fellow blogger.

I've followed/lurked on this blog for a few years.  I've followed her family during ups and downs.  As her children have changed and as they've weathered different seasons in their life as a family.

Today she wrote this post on Mental Illness.  And it is something that I could have wrote myself.  I have something very similiar in the archives of my other blog that I've not published yet. 

Seen Better Days...

Yep, I have.

It has been quite sometime since I've been in such an incredible low spot.  So much so.....that I've had many days where I've struggled to believe that this fight is actually worth it.

Why continue w/therapy?

In all honesty, I really don't know.

In general, most days, I have a small glimmer of hope.  Hope that there will be something...just S.O.M.E.T.H.I.N.G. she might say to me that will sink in.  

That something I've probably heard many times before since I've seen a therapist for just a FEW years. And it is very likely I already know what it is.  Yet, so often just like a broken record, I need to hear it repeated...again and again...and again and again.....and even then I don't always have faith that it will sink in to my brain and do any justice.

I believe there are a few other pieces to this puzzle of why I continue to not cancel my therapy appts but often cancel my other appts.  Even though, I logically know that I need to continue with those appts and generally are pretty important health wise.

One of those factors is trust. 

I've lost my trust in the general medical field in general.  I've had some awesome primary care physicians.  In the last year I have switched to a new PCP.  I loved my old PCP and it was a very tough choice to change.  However, she is one of the top 10 Physicians in our large city.  We have 3 major hospitals and 4 major medical groups and each of those groups have several clinics.  She is wonderful.  I miss her.  Actually, I miss her tons.  However, there were many days when I needed to be seen for whatever reason and couldn't see her.  Sure, I could see her PA's or other doctors available.  However, it goes back to trust.  I didn't choose them to be my PCP.  I in general do not see male docs.  This became an issue.  The icing on the cake was when I made my yearly physical with her and it was cancelled.  Rescheduled for 2 months later.  Cancelled again and rescheduled for 4 months later...and this repeated itself.  When I complained and said something I was told that I could see a different doctor. If I wanted them as my PCP then I would have initially choosen them to be just that...my PCP. 

I found a Physician Assitant that worked w/a family practice doctor that I had seen before.  This particular PA worked w/my old PCP when we lived in the smaller city several years ago. I HEART her lots!  Like...a LOT!  This lady truly does not get paid enough.  I was more than thrilled when I realized that M_ worked with Dr. S.  And so, I switched clinics and doctors.  Even though, I trust M. I still struggle with going to see her. Because so often I've been told that some of the medical issues I have are in my head.  Are related to my depression.  The really dark days I had few years ago, that has followed me.

My current therapist, J_ didn't see me during those dark(er) days.  Sure, I've had my ups and downs.  But what I've not had is a spurt of several hospitalizations in a short period of time.  In the few years I've seen her I've not been hospitalized and so that story line has not followed me w/her.

(I'm sure at some point in this journaling about depression I may dip into that time. However, at this point......as in today...I see no need to do so.  *grin*)

So not cancelling an appt w/her when there is a downward spiral on the horizon is safe.  I feel completely safe with calling her at this very moment and telling her that I'm struggling with not wanting to live, that putting one foot in front of the other is to much today, ect ect.  I know that she will do as she always has.  Asked me the same damn question that she always does (which btw is rather irratating to me...) and there will be no jump to conclusion it's time to put a safety plan in place, blah blah blah....it would be just what I need at that moment/day...trust and support that all will be okay - maybe not today or tmw - but it will be okay!

....and so this continues.  I could and probably would continue on this subject.  However, at this very moment I'm tired.  Very tired.  And it is time to end this.

Sufficating

That is the first thought I had when I woke up yesterday morning and this morning.  It has been a rather long stint of this up and down roller coaster ride I've been on for the last few weeks (months).

Initially was thought that maybe the holiday was a part of the downward spiral that I was starting.  I don't believe that is really so.

The moment I woke up yesterday and climbed my tired rear end into the shower at a mere 3:30am I knew I was in for a long day. I knew I was screwed as the sufficating darkness was sitting on my chest. I thought maybe a very hot shower would be helpful.  No such luck.  I worked my semi-short (-4 hr) shift.  Fighting back tears for no real apparent reason.  Because the sky was blue.  That is just me, like many other days recently, trying hard to not burst into tears while I'm working.  Because, seriously it doesn't bode very well when your morning commute consists to of your bus driver crying. 

After coming home I even tried to run the dispair and darkness away by spending 30 minutes on my eliptical.  Which only made me more upset as I continued on my jourey to get this to pass.  After all was said and done all the darkness was still there.  Still eating away at my soul.

After my first appt I met my friend and husband for lunch and then on to a massage.  My usually talk-a-tive massage therapist had to have sensed that I was not very interested in talking.

From there I had a therapy appointment with my therapist.  One of her questions for me upon hearing that I cancelled my appt with my Natural Path Doctor was "how come you are here?  why did you show up for this appointment?"

More on that....next.

Always a beginning....

...and for today...this is the beginning.

I am a daughter of an all loving Father in Heaven. Who would do anything for me.  However, that is easier to write than to believe, somedays.

I am a daughter of 2 beautiful and loving parents.  One who took me in as his own daughter.  Rarely did the word step-daughter surface itself in our home.

I am a 30 something year old.... wife of 17 years to a wonderful man.  A man who, 17 years ago, I'm sure did not know what he was signing up for when it comes to what laid ahead of him.

I am blessed to be the mom of 2 beautiful spirits that came into my life by birth.  I never thought it possible to love anything as deep as I do these 2 special spirits.

I was once the mom of a blonde haired little boy who came to us via adoption.  Although, I can tell you that I know my Heavenly Father orchistrated deeply the path in which this young man took to get to our home and it was because of our Father in Heaven's plan for each and every one of us that this little boy came into or home.  However, many days I don't like that plan and don't agree with that plan.  The heartache, dispair and grief that surrounds this entire situation is somedays more than I can handle.

I struggle with depression.  Some days, weeks and in some cases months......with severe depression.  So much so that I firmly believe that I should no longer be living, never been born, my husband and children would be better off with out the burden of that I bring into our home w/this struggle.

I realize that a few of the comments above contridict themselves.  Sure they do.  How can you be a be a Chrstitian and want to no longer live?  It is complicated.  More so than one might ever believe.

I once heard someone say "If I could only erase myself....." and on she went.  There are many days that is the montra that is replayed in my thought process.  Erase is a perfect description.

When I talk about being depressed, depression, severe depression, ect ect... I am not talking about the kind of sadness that comes over someone because their cat died, they are not able to do something, just plain down and otu for a day or so and sad all in one.

No, I'm talking about I can't get up...again. I don't want to get up again.  The I can't get out of bed and if I do the entire world will fall from underneath me. And other than the truth that I really am a daughter of a wonderful Heavenly Father, 2 beautiful parents and have a family who loves and cares about me. 

There are times when my depression is directly related to grief over our disruption of our son.  The guilt, shame, pride, you name it all comes crashing down all while the pure "I miss him so damn much" are playing the tape with in me.

There are times when I can't really give cause.  It just purely is what it is.  And it is in these moments that I personally feel much worse.  Fiind myself swimming through the crap and sinking further and further.  This is the point where that ol' saying "if I could only disapear and/or erase myself from this earth..." are the hardest to fight off.

There is healing in knowing that there is an all knowing and loving Father in Heaven to take away the sorrows and pains of each and every one of us. 

Now if I could just find a place where I can believe it....