Monday, March 21, 2011

Scream - Can I? Really Loud?

this post was wrote a while back....posting it today bc it has been in my archives for a lil bit.

The last few days, I've completely shut down.  The only reason I've worked is because I have to. Or I will loose my job. As the main source of benies and income I can not afford to loose my job. 

I work. I come home. Sleep. Go back to work (split shifts). Come home. Go back to bed.  Rinse and repeat.  Few days ago on my day literally slept the entire day. I got up for an hour.  Then back to bed.   Up for an hour or two.  Then back to bed.

I'm a rather good typist.  I can type on a good day on the upward of 60-65 wpm.  Typing this post and in general the last few days, I've barely been able to get my thoughts/words out in a manner that is worth even attempting.

The world continues to spin and I continue to try to stop it. In my mind.  Concentration?  What the heck is that? I couldn't tell you. 

I've caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror a few times over the last few weeks.  It scares me.  Really, it does.  I dno't like what I see, my eyes are vacant and tired.  I've had a few coworkers call to  say "_what is going on? You don't look well?"  that just makes things worse.  I've cried.  Cried more than I could ever imagined.  I cried during our disruption, infertility years, and the worst of the worst w/our child before our child went to residential treatment.  Those were different tears. 

Often, thoughts are the worst.  they are thoughts that I can't really put on paper.  Becuase if I do. It terrifies me.  More than just the ideation thoughts I often have.  I know my body is safe. I know my husband and children are safe.  I know that if/when I just wait it out the reboot will come and go and I will be on my way to just being depressed and anxious instead of severely depressed and somewhat suicidal.  But Lord, it is draining.  Speaking of the Lord, I wish I could say that I was able to find comfort in that area of my life.  Not so much.  I guess, the mere fact that I'm still here. Still writing.  Still breathing. Still kicking.  Means that in some sort of crazy way my prayers have been answered.  That doesn't even sound right.  But it is what it is.

Often, I'm afraid if I open my mouth and start talking to those around me, I might scream.  I might cry.  I might scream that I'm loosing myself.  Then again, I can't stand to be around anyone.  It is emotionally and physically draining just being home and around my family.  Then going to work....that just does me in.  SO help me God.....there are moments where I just want to scream "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP".  Then again, I need to keep my job. So that is not an option. I only scream it in my beady lil head.

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