In all honesty, I really don't know.
In general, most days, I have a small glimmer of hope. Hope that there will be something...just S.O.M.E.T.H.I.N.G. she might say to me that will sink in.
That something I've probably heard many times before since I've seen a therapist for just a FEW years. And it is very likely I already know what it is. Yet, so often just like a broken record, I need to hear it repeated...again and again...and again and again.....and even then I don't always have faith that it will sink in to my brain and do any justice.
I believe there are a few other pieces to this puzzle of why I continue to not cancel my therapy appts but often cancel my other appts. Even though, I logically know that I need to continue with those appts and generally are pretty important health wise.
One of those factors is trust.
I've lost my trust in the general medical field in general. I've had some awesome primary care physicians. In the last year I have switched to a new PCP. I loved my old PCP and it was a very tough choice to change. However, she is one of the top 10 Physicians in our large city. We have 3 major hospitals and 4 major medical groups and each of those groups have several clinics. She is wonderful. I miss her. Actually, I miss her tons. However, there were many days when I needed to be seen for whatever reason and couldn't see her. Sure, I could see her PA's or other doctors available. However, it goes back to trust. I didn't choose them to be my PCP. I in general do not see male docs. This became an issue. The icing on the cake was when I made my yearly physical with her and it was cancelled. Rescheduled for 2 months later. Cancelled again and rescheduled for 4 months later...and this repeated itself. When I complained and said something I was told that I could see a different doctor. If I wanted them as my PCP then I would have initially choosen them to be just that...my PCP.
I found a Physician Assitant that worked w/a family practice doctor that I had seen before. This particular PA worked w/my old PCP when we lived in the smaller city several years ago. I HEART her lots! Like...a LOT! This lady truly does not get paid enough. I was more than thrilled when I realized that M_ worked with Dr. S. And so, I switched clinics and doctors. Even though, I trust M. I still struggle with going to see her. Because so often I've been told that some of the medical issues I have are in my head. Are related to my depression. The really dark days I had few years ago, that has followed me.
My current therapist, J_ didn't see me during those dark(er) days. Sure, I've had my ups and downs. But what I've not had is a spurt of several hospitalizations in a short period of time. In the few years I've seen her I've not been hospitalized and so that story line has not followed me w/her.
(I'm sure at some point in this journaling about depression I may dip into that time. However, at this point......as in today...I see no need to do so. *grin*)
So not cancelling an appt w/her when there is a downward spiral on the horizon is safe. I feel completely safe with calling her at this very moment and telling her that I'm struggling with not wanting to live, that putting one foot in front of the other is to much today, ect ect. I know that she will do as she always has. Asked me the same damn question that she always does (which btw is rather irratating to me...) and there will be no jump to conclusion it's time to put a safety plan in place, blah blah blah....it would be just what I need at that moment/day...trust and support that all will be okay - maybe not today or tmw - but it will be okay!
....and so this continues. I could and probably would continue on this subject. However, at this very moment I'm tired. Very tired. And it is time to end this.