Today.....

....I got up.  Again. Not by choice. Not because I had to.  Not for any other reason than....I got up.

Early this morning my husband came and tried to wake me.  Asking me "are you going to get up and go to the grocery store with me or are you going to stay in bed?" I pretended I didn't hear and/or feel him touching me. I laid there. Silent. Wishing that he wouldn't have talked to me. Wishing that everything would just go away....dog barking, kids yelling and getting ready for school, constant chatter outside my bedroom door.  Nothing horrible.  Really, it wasn't.

Then there was a few angry barks from our little dog.  She's little. Very little.  Very fierce.  Severe separation anxiety...when my husband leaves.  I recognized the bark.  After 30 seconds she was quiet and back to wrestling w/the cats.

I rolled over and picked up my phone.  Deleted 9 out of 10 emails.  Read one.  The one from another online friend whom I've reached out to.  One that knows how deep this bout of depression has gone.  Re-read it.  Thought she was nuts if she thought I was going to talk to my husband.  And then rolled back over and closed my eyes in hopes of shutting out the world.

It didn't work.  The world continued to spin as it does. 

I thought for a split second I should call my psychiatrists office.  Remind them and ask again if she has any openings. Truth is, I don't want to see her. Yet, I know I need to.  We've had a long history.  Not always good.  Not always one where I feel like I can be honest and not have her hospitalize me.  Because, you know that is her job.

I saw my therapist yesterday.  She wanted to know the how deep and dark things are. What was spinning. I can't share it. I've not shared it. I wont repeat it. She mentioned, as she has many times over the last 3+ years, thoughts are thoughts. They don't get you hospitalized.  And continued to tell me that I could trust her by now and encouraged me to share w/her the depths of those thoughts.  This is where it gets cloudy.  As in really cloudy.  Because, in the past as in several years ago - I was hospitalized.  For the same thoughts that I have had yesterday, today, last week, ect ect.  So when I hear 'thoughts don't get you hospitalized.....actions do' I don't believe you. NOPE. I Don't.

Just so I'm clear. I don't need to be hospitalized.

Suicidal Ideation and I've been friends for 5+ years.  I am not sure when/where/why this bullshit has had to land with me.  But it has.  And I dont' like it. Not one. bit.  Reality is...I hate these downward spirals that leave me in such a deep dark depression where life would be so much better for those around me if I weren't around. Damn it all. It sucks.

So yeah today, I got up again. I scheduled a massage for noon-time.  I wish that I could say it was 100% wonderful.  It was.  However, I really really really needed my therapist to not be a Chatty Cathy today.  When you see someone as often as I've seen her in the past....as in every two weeks for 6+ months...you get to know each other and so forth.  I've cut back in my massages since November.  Actually, since November I've had 2 massages, including today.  And much has happened in both of our lives.  I've been struggling with this deep dark depression that has gotten worse and worse.  I didnt' share that w/her.  She seems to be struggling also.  I can't blame her.  Her fiance' of 2 plus years - left her. Then 4 weeks later the day after Christmas her mother passed away unexpected.  So yeah, she had a bit to say.  I tried to be nice and just respond in a caring...but short 'manner'.  I need another massage.  A very relaxing and Reiki centered massage.  VERY MUCH SOOOOOOOO.  If only my checkbook thought the same thing.