Stigma

Every day this is the routine. 

Get up. Pretend. Attempt to go back to sleep. 

Over. And. Over. Again. 

I'm fairly dang good at the 'pretend to be ok' part. Even though it takes a huge toll. 

Today would be one of those day where it proved to be to much. Majority of my morning was spent in tears. Silent, wipe away from your cheeks and keep on working tears

Today would be yet another reminder that this illness...it has plagued so many aspects of my life. It has robbed me so incredible much. 

And it hurts. 

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to care. It hurts not to care. Every aspects physical and emotionally. 

Today the reminder has come in the form of my shoulders hurting. Not a little. But a lot. Today for the first time in several months I took pain meds during the day. More than tylonel and ibuprofen. I can't take ibuprofen for the next 10 days bc I'm having surgery. I took them when I was working. Which I've not done in several months.   That reminder has stung as I think abt the first surgeon and his words to me. 

If I had cancer or diabetes...he wouldn't have dismissed me. Instead, because of the stigma associated mental illness he did dismiss me. The lasting effects 18 months later still replay themselves over and over. And I wonder if he would have taken me seriously...would I still be having the issues I  today. 

There isn't much compassion when it comes to mental illness. 

Those who judge....can kiss my a$$.