Friday, August 16, 2013

What are they saying....

A few nights ago, I tried out Google Hang Out with one of my dear friends who lives in Utah.  We've skyped on our phones and my ipad.  There is usually a feedback or some sort that is annoying as ever.  And so we tried Google + Hangout....or...whatever it is called.

There are good and bad things about using Skype/Google Hang Out or any sort video chat.

My friend could tell I was really struggling.  Struggling with the thoughts that were running ramped in my head.  Trying to have a conversation, talk about whatever struck our fancy, and some more serious things.  She is the level headed, thinking things clearly, and gives sound but sometimes hard to hear harsh advice.  And I'm more the fly by the seat of my pants whatever I'm on a whim kind of person and say what I think as it comes to my head.

This night however, I wasn't able to say what I was thinking.  I was silenced by the thoughts that were running rampid.  She took a screen shot picture of me.  I think she knows it pissed me off.  The next morning, when I was thinking a bit more clearly, the screen still up on my computer from our video chat on Google...I saw that picture.  And it struck me as harsh.  Holy freaking hell it was harsh.

Then later in the day I read this post by Jen Daisybee.  I was struck by how very similiar the things that go in out of of my thoughts were the same on some cellular level.

I sat on my couch and thought....if only I could have relayed that back to D last night as we were chatting.  Or to my therapist yesterday as she tried reminding me to not shut down and remember her office was a safe place.

And then I re-hashed that appointment over and over in my head.  WHY can't I share.  WHY is it that I let these things have so much power over me.  WHY?  Why is is so damn hard to put words to the self harm.  WHY?

I hear D's voice.  "What are they saying?"

They were/are saying I can't trust anyone.
They were/are saying everyone is lying to me.
They were/are saying my family deserves better.  And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying my children deserve a better mother.  And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying if you just push a little bit harder on that scar on your forehead you will inadvertantly check out/pass out and be able to numb all this out.
They were/are saying if you continue to take scalding hot showers you can numb everything out for that time being.  Enough you can fall asleep.
They were/are saying don't take that shower bc if you do then you will feel safe enough to fall asleep.  Sleeping is not okay. You need to stay up.
They were/are saying your husband is tired of seeing you like this and going to find someone/where else to meet his needs...emotionally, physically, sexually, you name it...he will find it.  And you/I will continue to be here.  Alone.
They were/are saying this is as good as it gets.  Always.
They were/are saying my therapist is full of shit.  She believes I'm fine.  She doesn't believe I'm fine. She is just a waste of my/your time.
They were/are saying you had a job you loved and you have screwed it up by hurting yourself.
They were/are saying you can't change.  You can't get past this. You deserve every ounce of everything that comes your way.
They were/are saying the only way to end the insanity and the pain is to give up and let mental illness win.  Resign to it.

And it goes on and on.  I could sit here for hours.  And get into the more intimate and details.  I could go on about the abuse.  About what a fucktard Randy was or was he?  I could go on about all the things that keep me up at night.

These things.  They are what the thoughts are saying.

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