Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Lights Went Out...

The lights have been flickering on and off for quite sometime. I've managed to keep them on for a few weeks.  Pull myself up and keep them from flickering off more than they were previously.

It's been a very fine line the last few weeks.  This morning I woke up with an impending doom.  One that I knew wasn't going to be easy to fight off.  I went to work, a therapy appt, and then back to work.

Overall I had a rather nice holiday.  Being home to much isn't very healthy for me.  And most certainly being home to many days...aka: stranded due to weather in the same house w/my dh....can be a recipe for disaster.  But...I DID IT.  And other than a few minor ppfffts here and head remained above water, positive, and do what I can to make the best of a situation that I had no control over.  I mean...really I can't control when Mother Nature decides to dump 19 inches of snow in my back yard.

I was able to keep my focus and head in a positive light until after all my family and friends left Christmas night.  I went to bed with a heavy heart.  One that aches for my husband to acknowledge my existance.  Today J mentioned "he must care if he did xyz...".  I don't see what he did/said as caring. It was more of a show of "I (dh) do everything...she can't do anything".  I seen it as a act on his part to make me look bad.  Which he often tries hard to do.  I see it. My family sees it. My dad. My mom. My friends.  

When bringing it up today with J, I prefaced it on the grounds of I just needed her to listen and here me out w/o judgement. I don't need to be told what I"m doing wrong in my marriage.  Fuck if I dont' know it.  And for a few moments she did listen w/o judgement.

I get that I"m there for me. I get that he's not there in that appt. I get that she can't change him. I get that it is her job to help me change me and my perceptions/reactions and blah blah blah.

A month or so ago I believe I bloggd about the Charlie Brown Teacher's voice.  I also wrote about how my massage therapists interpretations of my 'charlie brown's teacher voice....' was me.  Me doing it to me.  

Regardless...that voice is back.
It is louder than ever.
I know I continue to go back week after week for my appts.
I've btdt and have the emotional baggage and scars to show for what it got me. I don't for a moment believe that I'm thinking on the all or nothing/black or white spectrum.  Regardless of how I come at my husband and regardless of what tone, empthatic bullshit or whatever I do....he's not going to open up to me. His walls will go up. They already have. He will shut me out. He will make it be MY fault. MY problem. He already has. the end of the is me who bears the weight and pain.  And it is me in the end who will loose regardless. I'm fighting a battle I can't win. I either conform to be "nice and empathic' towards him as J pointed out in my therapy appt or I loose in the end and it becomes about me and my anger.

Fuck the trauma aspect that gets brought into the picture. I'm sick of it always being about me.

And no couples therapy isn't something I'm willing to do at this point. He's the master of saying what therapist want to here and it comes back to bite us/me in the ass in the end. I know from experience. I sat threw months and months of it.  Only to be the one who ended up in the hospital with an eating disorder.  

SO fucking glad I took a vacation day so we could spend the weekend together. To do something no matter how small or insignficant...just to spend some time together. For our anniversary.  Instead, I've come home from work to a cold shoulder. To having him say 4 words to me all night. Thus why I've stayed in bed since after we ate dinner.  And I have no plans on getting out of bed.  I have a massage in the morning and I plan on coming right back to the very place that I am laying in at the moment.

The lights have definately went out.  There's no flickering. 

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