This evening after a long day of appts (5 different appts folks...3 of the 5 were shoulder related, an appt with my therapist and a massage....thank heaven for wonderful massage therapists!!!)
When I got in my car and ready to head home I saw I had several private messages from our sons foster mom. He turned 18 and has been on his own since he got out of jail a few months ago. I keep tabs on him ever so often via FB. Sometimes more than others.
I've not heard from the FM for a while. I had just came out of my last appt...a therapy appt with J*. And I couldn't really decide if I should respond back or not. My gut told me I should. And so I did. And one thing led to another in a 2 minute conversation and I gave her my cell to call me since I was going to be driving and couldn't be texting and driving.
For the next 50 minutes the range of emotions went from pure rage, heartbreak over and over, anger, and over and over.
Our mental health system is broken. It is broken in a really bad way. Our police departments are not equiped to deal with people who are ill. This young man is more than ill. He's not received transition services and is on his own. In a world that is cruel. Doctors are cruel.
He needs help.
He doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to ask for help.
Beacuse he is now 18 and his OWN guardian he can refuse help.
Today because of his mental illness he broke cour orders to and showed up at FM's house (they have phone contact and she sets up meetings with him in public only bc he's hurt her before). When reminded he needed to leave he insisted that 'he was worried she was in jail or the hospital or something because she hadn't returned or taken his calls. He WANTED help." She called 911. And the small town police department, who are tired of hearing about/from him arrived. He resisted arrest bc he broke court orders not to be there. He was then tazed. NOT ONCE...but TWICE. He's asking for help. On more than one occasion in the last few weeks. He's just not been able to 'ask' in the right ways. I believe strongly his emotional disabilities are getting in the way.
My heart aches for him. I've tried hard to distance myself. To protect myself and children. Yet, this kid whom once called me mommy...whom...I was his mommy....he's hurting. He needs help. And doesn't have the ability to advocate for himself. It is all so wrong. So very wrong. The system has failed this kid from the very day his birth mom abandoned him when he was 6 months old at her parents home.
It rips my heart apart. I want to help him so incredible bad. And I can't. For my own mental health and safety. And the safety of my children.
I came home and talked to my husband about my conversation with FM. He seemed so incredible distant. Concrete. And just plain made it clear that 'he really doesn't care'. I want to scream "how can you not care?" I know. I know. He didn't say that. That is what I think and feel...that he doesn't care.
All I've ever wanted for this kid was for him to get the help he needed....for 14 yrs that has been my prayer. I'm obviously praying for the wrong thing or not doing it faithfully enough...or something.