Sunday, May 20, 2012

Random Ramblings

***My dh has been struggling a great deal with pain over the last several weeks/months.  This isn't anything new.  It isn't uncommon and something that he/we deal with often.  However, this particular stint of cost us a tad bit. I'm not talking about only money, either.    Thankfully, part of this stint of poor choices was able to be fixed this week.  I'm slowly working on the trust aspect.  He's still dealing w/the emotional backlash...and he's still in pain.  He knows he can't take certain types of medication.  He openly talks about this.  Yet, he took it anyway.  Because, at the time he did the best he could do with what he was given.  It's tiring being in constant pain.  I know first hand, just not to the extent he's been struggling or for as long as he's been battling it. 

Part of this is his own doing.  I can only do my part.  Accept my part.  Encourage him to do his part.  Encourage him to accept that he's doing the best he can with what he's been given.  Acceptance is a very hard part for him.  I don't know if he will ever accept the fact he is unable to work due to his back injury and failed surgeries. 

***My son is still....10 months later....battling this never ending bullcrap w/his legs.  They break out.  They bleed.  They turn black.  They hurt.  We call the clinic.  They see him several days later.  It's somewhat better.  They dismiss us.  It comes back.  Never. Freaking. Ending.   

***My dd and her bf were getting in a little bit much for 12 yr olds.  His parents are very Utah Mormon.  And ultra strict.  I can respect that. I do respect that.  However, they told their son he had to break up w/my dd.  What they told him and what he heard might have been 2 different things.  What he choose to tell my dd is different.  Two weeks after the fact his parents and I had a conversation at church.  Their first question to my dh and I was "does ** think we hate her?"  "Uh, yeah."  "Well, that isn't the case...blah blah blah".  I get where they are coming from.  I also, read nearly every single email between the 2 kids.  I really didn't see much other than "my dd12 has some low self esteem.  As in really low self esteem."  I made sure that his mother knew that what she told me they told him and what he told my dd are 2 completely different things.  And both have and would effect her thinking of herself.  I also, revealed that we recently started taking dd to therapy bc her self esteem is so low and based on what I had read in the emails between their son and my dd. 

We discussed a few other things, such as the 'rideshare' part of church activities.  This evening there was a fireside well over 30 miles away.  DD had secured a ride w/another family that she isn't all that fond of.  About 45 minutes before it was time to leave dd received a text from the mother of this boy inviting her to ride w/them.  If you could only see the visable change I saw in my dd. (for the good) was heart warming and wrenching all in one. 

***I've been all over the map as far as mood, depression, suicidal ideation, and so forth.  I'm tired of hearing from me. I'm tired of reading my posts. I'm tired of being in this constant state of whirlwind.  After the surgeon consult that went sour...I was all over the map.  Initially extremely depressed and hopeless would ben an understatement.  Turned to anger.  Turned to intense anger.  Turned to I'm gonna fight.  And then I saw the new surgeon on Monday.  Then I saw Jodi on Tuesday.  I had a bit of fight to get the initial surgeon's report for her.  I planned on doing some other things.  And had every intention on...taking care of myself, getting the report, eating well, excercising, blah blah blah....

It all went to hell in a hand basket.  REALLY quick.

And that is where I'm at. 

Bit of a whirlwind - up and down - all around.  Somedays good.  Some moments great.  Then I wake up this morning and the pit and despair are so thick I can't see straight...

Round and round I go.

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