Love-Hate

I do it all the time.
You may do it all the time.
Often it happens without even knowing it...with out even knowing it.
As mentioned previously, I fell to this trap once again....self sabatage.  I did so knowing fully that the outcome would most likely not be favorable.  Regardless, I did it anyway.  I reasoned my way to thinking it was for the better.  And at the time, I thought it was the best thing for me.

It is the old war against medication.  It is the battle that I've found for many moons.  It is the thing that keeps me up at night.  It is the thing that creates a love/hate relationship w/my psychiatrist.  It is the one thing that I TRULY HATE about depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, you name it....I f*cking hate it.

And so....as I've done many times before...I decided that I've had enough.  Clearly, the lowest dose of effexior could not be helping me that much. 

And clearly it wouldn't make that big of a difference since I was on the lowest dose. 
And damn it all...I am sick and tired of this freaking constant caffiene/jittery buzz.
And damn it all...I'm sick and tired of having nightmares that are MUCH different than the norm.
And so....I did not refill the bottle when it came time.
And so...as history seems to always repeat itself....the downward spiral began.

It's not to the depths of despair as I've been previously been in. 
But it was headed there....

And so...I refilled the rx on Monday and began taking it again.
I hate this drug.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  I hate how it makes me feel.  I hate that it makes me feel jittery and high on caffiene all the damn time.  I hate that it does this and yet on the LOWEST dose....it takes the so-called-edge of depression and ultimately deep despair...it takes the edge off and makes it somewhat manageable.  I hate that there is something out there that CAN help and I can't seem to get myself past the lowest dose.  I hate...that I hate it.  I hate...that after all these mother freeking years of trial and error....I'm STILL RIGHT FREEKING HERE.

And you know what else I hate tonight.....

that eventually...as in the next 6 months (if I switch insurances..which I'm thinking I won't bc I can't bare the thought of changing therapists) or the next couple years....assuming I DON'T switch insurance companies....I will have to find a new psychiatrist.  And even though K* and I have a love-hate relationship 99.99% of the time.....I LOVE that she KNOWS me inside and out.