Dear Depression

Dear Depression,

You are the road that I never imagined I would travel.  You are the road that I thought for sure that I would certainly be able to overcome.  An illness that is dark and deep like a cave on a deserted island.  I find myself so very lost.

You have stolen from me time.
You have stolen from me more than my time.
You have stolen from me my family, my zest for life, my love for other people, and so much more.


I have worked in a swimming school.  I prepared manuals for lifeguard training.  Lifeguards are trained on how to bring a struggling swimmer, child, adult, whomever to safety as they struggle to survive in water.  Often times the lifeguard is met with resistant, combative swimmer who is scratching, kicking, screaming, and unable to control their fear. 

You are that person, Depression, in the story who is failing, biting, kicking and doing everything in your power to bring me down.  It is your job or so you think to make it to the top of the water yourself.  Leaving me behind.  Often the rescuer becomes the victim.

Damn it.  I refuse to let you win.  I will not let you bring me down. I will not let you win.

I refuse to let you define who I am.  You are scary.  You are not welcome.  You are not who I am.  Come hell or high water...I will beat you and rise above.  Trust me.  I will.

You Can Leave Now,
Lil Ol' Me

Peace

Finding little moments in between the moments that are tougher.  Last night was rough.

There are brighter moments ahead for this weekend...and ...that will tide over and help in those rougher moments.

Love-Hate

I do it all the time.
You may do it all the time.
Often it happens without even knowing it...with out even knowing it.
As mentioned previously, I fell to this trap once again....self sabatage.  I did so knowing fully that the outcome would most likely not be favorable.  Regardless, I did it anyway.  I reasoned my way to thinking it was for the better.  And at the time, I thought it was the best thing for me.

It is the old war against medication.  It is the battle that I've found for many moons.  It is the thing that keeps me up at night.  It is the thing that creates a love/hate relationship w/my psychiatrist.  It is the one thing that I TRULY HATE about depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, you name it....I f*cking hate it.

And so....as I've done many times before...I decided that I've had enough.  Clearly, the lowest dose of effexior could not be helping me that much. 

And clearly it wouldn't make that big of a difference since I was on the lowest dose. 
And damn it all...I am sick and tired of this freaking constant caffiene/jittery buzz.
And damn it all...I'm sick and tired of having nightmares that are MUCH different than the norm.
And so....I did not refill the bottle when it came time.
And so...as history seems to always repeat itself....the downward spiral began.

It's not to the depths of despair as I've been previously been in. 
But it was headed there....

And so...I refilled the rx on Monday and began taking it again.
I hate this drug.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  I hate how it makes me feel.  I hate that it makes me feel jittery and high on caffiene all the damn time.  I hate that it does this and yet on the LOWEST dose....it takes the so-called-edge of depression and ultimately deep despair...it takes the edge off and makes it somewhat manageable.  I hate that there is something out there that CAN help and I can't seem to get myself past the lowest dose.  I hate...that I hate it.  I hate...that after all these mother freeking years of trial and error....I'm STILL RIGHT FREEKING HERE.

And you know what else I hate tonight.....

that eventually...as in the next 6 months (if I switch insurances..which I'm thinking I won't bc I can't bare the thought of changing therapists) or the next couple years....assuming I DON'T switch insurance companies....I will have to find a new psychiatrist.  And even though K* and I have a love-hate relationship 99.99% of the time.....I LOVE that she KNOWS me inside and out.

B* Fest

I'm trying very hard to be positive.  You could probably say it isn't really working all that well.  Actually, not at all.  I've deleted several blog posts today bc it amounted to no more than a B* fest. 

I'm pissed at myself.  For doing stupid shit.  Something that I am not even going to go into.  Self sabatoge is what J* and every other therapist I've ever seen will tell me.  She's right. I know it.  I would have hoped and thought that after the amount of time I've been in therapy I would have figured this shit out.  Obviously, something hasn't clicked or I just don't give a f*.  Probably both.

Taking care of myself is something that I'm obviously not very good at doing.  Shit, one could say taking care of anything is not my forte'.  I wouldn't argue one bit.  I'm fortunate, even though he makes me mad as ever somedays, my dh brings me lunch when I'm working.  He notices when I don't make something or will not take anything but soda and popcorn.  Today, he brought me a sub from my favorite sub shop.  This evening he made a quick and easy dinner.  Unfortunately, I had a rather severe allergic reaction.  There were no eggs in anything I ate.  My children were very quick to pull the packaging out of the garbage to see.  It's something I've had a 1000 times.  And today....it kicked my ass.  I'm going to venture to say that my lack of proper diet...aka: protien intake was the culprit. So when I at nothing but protein....I became very ill.  Lesson learned---I wish. 

J* gave me a homework assignement....I attempted to read over the materials today.  Only it was missing some pages.  As in 3-4 pages.  Can't do it...if I don't have it all.  I get the jist of it..

Finding a safe place that doesn't involve children, husband, noise, animals, chaos....should be easy in my home.  My children and dh are rather easy going and tend to be supportive.  However, as I read this homework assignment (the part that I had....lol)...I found myself struggling to figure out "where my safe place in a time of need would be.  Where could I sit in quiet...peacefullness....being present w/no distractions..where could that be? 

Time will tell.

And because I've just been in this kind of mood.....here is a rather "snarky" picture of the day.

Coming Soon...

I don't know what I'm more excited about.

Doing photography for a wedding - my very first one.

OR OR OR OR OR

My beloved BFF who lives 5.5 hrs away coming to see and help me this weekend with the photos. 

Regardless.....

COMING very soon.....both will be happening.  At the same time.  And I can't hardly contain myself.

Random Ramblings

***My dh has been struggling a great deal with pain over the last several weeks/months.  This isn't anything new.  It isn't uncommon and something that he/we deal with often.  However, this particular stint of time...it cost us a tad bit. I'm not talking about only money, either.    Thankfully, part of this stint of poor choices was able to be fixed this week.  I'm slowly working on the trust aspect.  He's still dealing w/the emotional backlash...and he's still in pain.  He knows he can't take certain types of medication.  He openly talks about this.  Yet, he took it anyway.  Because, at the time he did the best he could do with what he was given.  It's tiring being in constant pain.  I know first hand, just not to the extent he's been struggling or for as long as he's been battling it. 

Part of this is his own doing.  I can only do my part.  Accept my part.  Encourage him to do his part.  Encourage him to accept that he's doing the best he can with what he's been given.  Acceptance is a very hard part for him.  I don't know if he will ever accept the fact he is unable to work due to his back injury and failed surgeries. 

***My son is still....10 months later....battling this never ending bullcrap w/his legs.  They break out.  They bleed.  They turn black.  They hurt.  We call the clinic.  They see him several days later.  It's somewhat better.  They dismiss us.  It comes back.  Never. Freaking. Ending.   

***My dd and her bf were getting in a little bit much for 12 yr olds.  His parents are very Utah Mormon.  And ultra strict.  I can respect that. I do respect that.  However, they told their son he had to break up w/my dd.  What they told him and what he heard might have been 2 different things.  What he choose to tell my dd is different.  Two weeks after the fact his parents and I had a conversation at church.  Their first question to my dh and I was "does ** think we hate her?"  "Uh, yeah."  "Well, that isn't the case...blah blah blah".  I get where they are coming from.  I also, read nearly every single email between the 2 kids.  I really didn't see much other than "my dd12 has some low self esteem.  As in really low self esteem."  I made sure that his mother knew that what she told me they told him and what he told my dd are 2 completely different things.  And both have and would effect her thinking of herself.  I also, revealed that we recently started taking dd to therapy bc her self esteem is so low and based on what I had read in the emails between their son and my dd. 

We discussed a few other things, such as the 'rideshare' part of church activities.  This evening there was a fireside well over 30 miles away.  DD had secured a ride w/another family that she isn't all that fond of.  About 45 minutes before it was time to leave dd received a text from the mother of this boy inviting her to ride w/them.  If you could only see the visable change I saw in my dd. (for the good)...it was heart warming and wrenching all in one. 

***I've been all over the map as far as mood, depression, suicidal ideation, and so forth.  I'm tired of hearing from me. I'm tired of reading my posts. I'm tired of being in this constant state of whirlwind.  After the surgeon consult that went sour...I was all over the map.  Initially extremely depressed and hopeless would ben an understatement.  Turned to anger.  Turned to intense anger.  Turned to I'm gonna fight.  And then I saw the new surgeon on Monday.  Then I saw Jodi on Tuesday.  I had a bit of fight to get the initial surgeon's report for her.  I planned on doing some other things.  And had every intention on...taking care of myself, getting the report, eating well, excercising, blah blah blah....

It all went to hell in a hand basket.  REALLY quick.

And that is where I'm at. 

Bit of a whirlwind - up and down - all around.  Somedays good.  Some moments great.  Then I wake up this morning and the pit and despair are so thick I can't see straight...

Round and round I go.

Today is the start of a new week. 
With the start of a new week brings the hope of brighter days.
That is all one can ask for. 
And it is what I'm asking for on this Sunday evening. 

Second Opinion

I saw a new surgery yesterday.
I'm hurting today.  More than I ever have.  And that is saying a ton.

And it's beginning to wear me down.  I didn't really think it had until J* mentioned a few things today.

Mother's Day

For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted in life was to be a Mother.

Then 18+ yrs ago as a young, naive bride, I thought it would be indefinate that Motherhood would be around the corner.

And it wasn't.

And with each passing year it became harder and harder.

It is with great pain that Mother's Day became a day that I had no hopes or expectations.

Adopting a child who had been traumatized was the first of many years of heartache.  He mourned his bio Mother and Grandmother.  My dh was his first daddy and so Fathers Day was never an issue.

During the last 13 years of being a Mother there have been very few to celebrate.

The last time I had a visit with our adopted son was Mother's Day.  It became a trauma-versy for me.   Then the next 2 yrs were met with huge grief.  One of those years I had a lump in my breast found and removed.  Waiting for pathological testing was horrible.  Mixed with the impending death of my beloved Grandmother.  She stuck that Mothers Day out.  Against all odds. 

The last few years I havd tried hard to soak in my 2 children for all they are all the time.  But specially on Mother's Day.

Today....

Has been no different.

They are the reason I get up every day!
They are the wind behind my sail!

I'm blessed to he their Mother!!

Answer to Questions from Comment

I can't email you back bc I don't have your email.  Please feel free to leave a comment w/your name-email and I will email you back.  I will NOT post the comment.  All comments are moderated bc of personal information. 

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I've looked into hands on healers.  My insurance and wc insurer will not pay for it.  As long as I'm not getting paid my full wage, I'm unable to afford to move fwd with that.

I currently see a massage therapist that works from an energy/natural aspect.  I would have gotten a doctors order for more visits to be covered from her or someone else, but the dr proved to be a true asshat and so I asked him nothing bc I just needed to get out of there. 

I DO HAVE A 2nd OPINION next Monday.  I will be seeing an independent surgeon at a private clinic.  The surgeon that I was orgininally calling to see couldn't see me for a month.  His collegue and best friend could see me asap.  he comes highly reccomended from all areas that I can tell.  I spoke to his nurse/receptionist again today who made me feel like I was truly a patient and NOT a number.  That my needs were important."  I asked if I should drop off the 2 MRI reports and dvd/disk prior to my appt next week bc I had them in my hand.  She said "WOW...already." I replied "Sweetheart, I had them in my hand w/in 2 hrs of leaving the surgeon I saw yesterday."  She replied:  "Bringing them in early will not be beneficial. He will not look at them before your appt.  He will look at them WITH YOU.  He will treat you AS HIS patient and will explain everything to you....you have nothing to worry about.  He will take a great deal of time w/you and answer any questions you have."  I hung up and cried.  His nurse/receptionist...she cared.  I'm not a number..I'm a patient whom he will treat me as just that...his patient.

Rug Pulled Out from Under Me

At a loss to what to write.

I'm angry.
I'm very angry.
I'm depressed.
I'm very depressed.
I'm flabbergasted.
I'm very flabbergasted.

Once again the medical profession has proven that mental illness is a taboo subject.  And based on my mental health dx I am not a surgical candidate.   If...IF...this fucktard had left that piece out....it would have been a totally different outcome.  And I would not have a swollen face from crying non stop all day.

Its not a matter of "can't" continue on fighting these fucktard morons.  It is matter of.....I don't want to and I have no mother fucking fight left.  And so be it..let them win.

Finding Joy

~~~in the little things.

Such as this picture that I took yesterday at a birthday party for my cousins who turned 2 and 4 yrs old. 

State Fair Award Winning Rose Bush

My Aunt and her darling family (4 children ages: 2, 4, 7, & 7) recently bought a new home.  It was very hard for her to leave her last house.  There are many things coming to bloom in her home and she is loving every ounce of it. 

Finding joy in the little things.  The beauty that our beautiful earth provides.  Spending time w/my Aunt and her children. Old fashion water spickets such as this one.  Found in the entry to my Aunt's home.

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All in all I was able to find some sort of peace and comfort in my day yesterday.  I tried like hell to make it be a good day.  And when I came home and lost my sh*t for personal reasons w/my daughter.  I managed to find some peace and comfort. 

Today has been about the same day.  I had a rather interesting private conversation with my Bishop at church.  As we discussed some issues w/our adopted sons bio family that is currently somewhat of an issue and causing some grumbling between them, their ward members and their bishop of the ward they moved from....I was able without being emotional and getting upset tell my Bishop our "story" in short form.  What he needed to hear.  I was also able to matter of fact w/o using judgement on myself or birthfather mention to him how deep my issue w/church leaders, priesthood holders, and bishopric members goes.  I don't know who was more shocked...Bishop G or myself. 

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I have a barage of appts this week.  Well, not any different than any other week.  I see the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday, again.  Hoping that he will be able to provide some answers.  I know the results of my MRI.  I know that surgery isn't always suggested.  And yet, I also know something NEEDS to be done and I can't keep living w/pain.  Yesterday pain was bad.  Really, really bad....and I was near tears when I made it home last night.  I took portraits of my Aunts kids during the bd party.  I was in a great deal of pain when I came home last night.  And frustrated because of it!!!  Today hasn't been that much better in that department.  I need some relief.  it's making me crabby....crabby...crabby!!

TODAY

Its 8am.
I'm laying in bed listening to 3 of the 4 children in my home make tons of noise.  Two of them will be leaving about 9 am.

I'm determined to make today be one heck of a GOOD day.  Nearly every night this week I came home and retreated to my room.

I will do my best to not retreat to my room.

Report coming later.

The most difficult thing in life...
Is to know yourself.
Thales

Tapping with Brad Yates

Not much I can really say about this right now.
Overwhelmed is an understatement.
This week has been tough...hell when is it not tough.

Traditional medicine isn't helping.
Medication isn't helping.

As a friend mentioned in a private FB group she was rebelling the concept of tapping.  I've continued to rebel.

I know why I've rebelled and I really dont' care to say why.  I guess its a bit personal.

I did take this from the conference call tonight.  It isn't easy to hear.  It is harder to repeat to myself.

Even though I feel this despair, I choose to deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself ... and my kids ... and anyone else who might be involved in this." - tapping session with Brad Yates

Sinking. Endocrinology. MRI. Kisses. Barbies.

I'm sinking.  At a steady rate downward. Since I try to be honest and forthcoming....suicidal ideation has been strong.   And the energy it takes to ward these thoughts off is draining.  Work has helped some with keeping me preoccupied.   I'm not sleeping.   Herein lies the problem.

Endocrinology evaluation today went okay.  Reluctant to have hope finding answers.

I picked up MRI report and CD.  Googled dx.  Surgery is not the suggested course of treatment.  Rarely ever.  Unless all avenues have been attempted.  They have been attempted.  I've developed post cortisone issues.  Which tells me no more injections and they will no longer help.  Crap.

When I was 12 ...I was still playing with my barbies and cabbage patch doll.

My 12 yr old...well she's kissed her bf.  Who happens to be the first councilor in our wards 12 yr old.  I think duct tape is on the shopping list.